The Rules of Parenting - Don't Guilt-Trip Them

Is this an Asian culture?

My Vietnamese friend told me because Asian parents are unlike western parents. Asian parents invest a lot time, money and effort to groom a child but western parents don't really care whether their children study or not. (I think this is not always true.) Western parents take a lassez faire approach towards the education of their children but Asian parents are very invested. Western parents don't save up for their children's university education but Asian parents do. (Again, I think this is not always true.) That's why Asian children often feel indebted to their parents. There's always the thought of paying back. 

I have no problem with the idea of filial piety. But if it becomes an obligation to meet certain standards set by the parents, it becomes such a burden. Some parents also unknowingly want to make their children feel guilty. Then the relationship becomes something not made of love, but a transaction-based relationship where everything is measured based on cost and benefit. If they don't get their expected return, they use guilt to trap you.

Both my parents set a standard for me to adhere to show that I'm filial to them. For my father, it was a monthy allowance of $500, while for my mother, it was $1500 per month. Since I couldn't afford that kind of allowance, I gave a sum which I felt comfortable but much lower. They weren't very happy naturally and I was labelled as unfilial and they told many relatives about that. Strangely, even though my sister did not give them that kind of allowance, she wasn't labelled as unfilial. I wondered if 'filial piety' was just a smokescreen for favouritism. They said the allowance I gave was not enough and I was so stingy. They thought I was earning 5-figure income per month. I told them I didn't earn that kind of income but they didn't believe. To them, I seemed to be trying to lie my way out so that I could escape from the obligations they set for me. Our relationship has evolved into a business relationship. There's no love to talk about other than monetary benefit.

In short, I have only a lot of guilt.

I didn't earn enough to give them the kind of income they expected.
I didn't feel I'm good child.
I didn't do as good in life as they expected me to.
I didn't play my role properly as the elder child to take care of them.

But I was doing okay for my career.
I was giving them an allowance.
I was helping with household chores.
But no. No compromise is allowed.

A lot of tensions arose.

That's when I snapped, and sort of ran away from them to stay with my grandfather. Finally I could have some peace and quiet to think of my own life instead of just revolving my life around my parents' needs. 

Have you experienced this kind of treatment from your parents? Or if you are a parent yourself, are you finding yourself doing this?

It is not a good idea to continue the relationship this way. You need to sit down and think of a better way. You need to be open-minded to allow a compromise to happen. At least both parties can win a little.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Or download my book from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

Grown Up Rule 97: Don't Guilt-Trip Them

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

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Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

The Rules of Parenting - Leave The Strings Off

Do you use money to control your children or thinking of using money to control them?
Do you use other means to control them too?

I moved out of my parents' house last year after a communication breakdown with them, and stayed with my grandfather. Occasionally, my grandfather gives me some allowance even though I am already 30 years old. I told him that I was working and had my own money and he would keep it for himself. But he would become angry if I refused. If I didn't accept the money today, he would pester me the next day and the day after  next and so on until he finally passed the money to me. I believed he did it because all he wanted was for me to be happy. But whenever disagreements arise, he would use this as a way for me to back down. He would say something like, "I give you money. You don't have the right to say anything."

The same kind of thinking goes for my parents. Because they have spent the time, money and effort to bring me up, they think they "own" me. I wasn't allowed to have my own life, to have my own thinking. If I need to set myself free, they told me I needed to repay them one million dollars, inclusive of interest. There was once I retaliated and I said they could kill me because my insurance policy can pay them half a million dollars if that's what they wanted. After hearing their philosophy, my understanding of my parents is that I am nothing to them but a money making machine. Frankly speaking, I still love them as my parents yet I don't find that I have the same level of respect for them as I was younger. I may not be able to raise one million but I have a lot of focus now to earn money, to redeem myself.

Do you do this kind of thing? Please stop.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Or download my book from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

Grown Up Rule 96: Leave The Strings Off

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

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Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

The Rules of Parenting - Treat Them As Adults

As I have shared in a previous post, The Rules of Parenting - Everything Comes With String, many parents want their teenage children to grow up and start to behave more responsibly and think more maturely in an adult-like manner but at the end of the day, it is the parents who end up doing the thinking for the children, and some even end up doing homework for them and marking their mock test papers. These same parents also "threaten" to confiscate their children's mobile phones, laptops, and console games and other gadgets if they don't study but will often give in. Such behaviour sends the contradicting signals to the children, and so , when will they start to learn?

My mother's approach towards my upbringing has been very off-handed. She always told me, since I was very little, that my sister and I need to be as independent as possible and as early as possible because she would be working and nobody would be taking care of us, except ourselves. I have been carrying housekeys since 6 years old. I went to a music school by myself since maybe 7 years old to have piano lesson. I went to abacus class by myself when I was 11 or 12 years old. I learned to use the knife and cook (not instant noodles but proper meat and vegetable dishes) since 15 years old. She didn't supervise me on my homework a lot since I was primary one. She always said the future was our individual responsibility. If we wanted to have a better, we should take the initiative to study harder and longer, But if we did not want to have, you could have it your way as well. I chose all the subjects and schools that I went to all by myself as my mother believed in letting us decide what we wanted for ourselves.

Take buying food or eating food as an example. 

I always had to help out in buying food for the family for lunch or dinner, and also the groceries. My mother would also let my sister and me serve rice ourselves from the rice cooker. But in the course of tutoring, these teenage children that I tutored often had food bought back by their parents or maids. They also have maids to serve food for them. They also don't need to wash the dishes after eating. 

Yes, we are treating these children like adults, or more specifically, "pampered adults". 

What's my solution for you?

JUST DO IT!

Just push them, bit by bit.

Remember:

A stone will become a jade only after polishing.

Check out also my post on how Japanese raise independent kids.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view by clicking the link at the bottom so that you can see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Or download my book from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

Grown Up Rule 93: Treat them as adults

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

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Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

The Rules of Parenting - It's Better To Agree Than To Be Right

Parents, do you find yourself always wanting to prove to your children that you are right? Even to the extent of insisting you are right when the evidence is pointing to the opposite?

This is your ego.

Where does your ego come from?

There can be many reasons. One of the biggest reasons was what you had experienced when you were young.

After living with my grandfather for more than a year, I can finally understand why my mother acts the way she does. My grandfather is a very stubborn person, always insisting he's right. My dgrandfather is nearly blind. When I told him that the bread he bought had tuned mouldy, he became overwhelmed and told me that "it is not possible for bread to turn mouldy." When I told me I didn't want to hang my clothes out in the balcony to be dried and instead wanted to clothes to be hung indoors, he told me, "I'm stupid and my clothes will NEVER dry." When I told him that the floor was dirty, he told me he had already mopped a while ago and the floor was not dirty. Initially, I used to insist what I said, but nowadays, I just told him, "Up to you. If you don't want to believe my words, it's okay."

I can imagine my mother living with this kind of father, he's always right and the child's always wrong. Their relationship is extremely bad. My relationship with my mother is equally bad as my had knowingly or unknowingly taken on her father's persona. 

So ask yourself, if it's just a small matter, would it be worth scarring the relationship between you and your child by insisting you are right?

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view by clicking the link at the bottom so that you can see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Or download my book from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

Crisis Rule 87: It's better to agree than to be right

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

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Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

The Rules of Parenting - Tell Them What's Going On?

Six years ago, in 2009, when my younger sister announced her decision to marry to a man I met for the first time, I questioned my mother,

"Why have you agreed to let them get married when the guy has only worked in Singapore for only a few years and have very little CPF to buy a house, is a S-Pass holder who can be asked to go back to his country every two years?"

My mum was very angry about why I didn't want my sister to get married?

She replied, "They have known each other for a very long time. And your sister is very keen and eager to marry him."

"How long have they known each other?"

"1 year."

"You called that 'long'?"

I didn't know that I wasn't being told the whole truth until last year, in 2014. My mum told me that before I saw that guy who was to become my sister's husband, she had already talked with him for hours and she was convinced of his sincerity in marrying my sister. She also assured him that it's okay if he didn't have the money to buy the air tickets and accommodation for his parents to fly here for the wedding dinner as she would pay for all those expenses. It's also okay if he didn't have the money to buy a house yet as she would let him and my sister stay in her master bedroom while she moved to a common bedroom. They could stay as long as they need to save the necessary amount of money for them to buy a flat. They would not need to pay any rental or allowance to my mother.

Only then I understood how that guy was able to marry my sister, despite having no financial means. I have been kept in the dark for years, including my father, who was also not aware of her doings.

In August 2013, I loaned out a rather big sum of money to that guy, my sister's husband. I did it because he had been so insistent and seemed so sincere. He was thanking me a lot and said that he would "forever" remember my kindness and be forever indebted to me. He also asked my sister to come and beg me for money for days. I also did it because I wanted to support my sister, to let her know I did not have ill intention of opposing her marriage and that as her sister, I would support her when she needed help. So I gave. 

In February 2014, during Chinese New Year, I shared this my father and he was shocked. He then revealed to me that that guy had also borrowed money from him a few years back. The loan was about four thousands dollars. My father did not charge any interest yet it took him about four months to pay back. My father said he took his money back from my mother and he suspected that it could be money from my mother, not from that guy. It seemed very likely to be so because my mother told my father not to mention that matter anymore to anyone, including me. When I confronted my mother about this matter, she again told me to shut up, saying it's none of my business and I didn't need to know anything. I was feeling unhappy about it because I didn't feel I'm a part of the family. It seemed that there are two factions. One consisting of my father and me and the other made up of my mother, sister and her husband.

Those are just a few instances of how my mother wasn't open to discuss matters that affect everyone in the family. Don't be mistaken. I love my mother. I admire her for her determination in raising me and my sister up. But I am very frustrated about being treated as second-class member in the family. Her decision to keep quiet about important matters alienated me and bred in me a distrust of her. 

No matter how hard it is to say, always tell your children the truth. Now, not later.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view by clicking the link at the bottom so that you can see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Or download my book from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

Crisis Rule 85: Tell them what's going on?

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

The Rules of Parenting - The Aftershock Can Last FOREVER

Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aftershock_(2010_film)

Many times, when our family members and friends are in some kind of setbacks, we console them and tell them that time will heal. Given enough time, they will gradually forget about whatever the matter that caused them misery in the first place.

For children who have gone through or are going through a difficult period, we think that children do not understand things and will therefore be less emotionally affected by what's going around them and even if they are indeed affected, we often think that they will recover soon. Some of these cases could be parents' divorce and death of a loved one.

Take for example, a friend that I went to the same primary and secondary school with. At 17 years old, I was pursuing A levels at a junior college while she opted for a diploma course at a polytechnic. I went to visit her one day and she told me she had stopped her polytechnic classes for a while as she was going through psychiatric treatment. She needed time and space to recover from her trauma and wasn't fit to continue her studies. What had happened?

It turned out that her father was involved in an illicit affairs and was caught red-handed by her mother. When the news was broken out to her, she was devastated and could not take in the reality. She broke down totally and was admitted to the Institute of Mental Health for psychiatric treatment. She had to take drugs to stabilise her emotions. 

I didn't manage to continue to keep in touch with her after that. After graduation from university, I met her on the street and we talked again. She had stopped her studies for at least two years. Her mental condition had stabilised. She was also attending regular pipa lessons with a Chinese pipa teacher. She had also started working part-time. I'm happy with her progress.  

However, it did not really seem like the friend whom I knew before that unfortunate incident happened. It was her eyes. They weren't very focused while we were talking. She was also feeling bad about being left so far behind from all of her close friends. If my friend at seventeen years old can be so severely affected by such a family incident, what about young children? Wouldn't they be more vulnerable?

I hope she can read this blog post from somewhere that I sincerely wish that she is making big progress now in her life.

As for me, I will also never forget the emotions that I had experienced during that last two years of my secondary school. My mother was retrenched. Our family had also received a letter from a law firm demanding that they pay their property dues. Otherwise my whole family had to move out within a month or two. My mother was going in and out of job, feeling stressful and taking her frustrations on me. I felt indignant over that kind of treatment and went into a few serious conflicts with her. I will never forget those two years of vulgarities hurled at me. I will also never forget having to tell myself to go to sleep early so that I would not feel again for the rest of the night. After being inspired by so many biographies and autobiographies of great men and women out there, and attending so many motivational classes, I can't forget. It stays with me. Not as much as before, but still the pain is there. 

So parents, if your child is going a difficult period in the family, remember to be very sensitive to your child's needs and give them emotional support. I know this is going to be hard for you to do because you are also going through the same ordeal yourself. But remember, after shocks can last forever, or at least for a long time. 

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Or download my book from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

Crisis Rule 84: The After Shock Can Last Forever

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

The Rules of Parenting - Everything Comes With String

I tutored many students in Mathematics and Sciences for the past decade and I have seen so many ways that parents supervise their children. This gives me many opportunities to think about parenting and observe what parents are doing.

Many of my students are around the age of 14 to 15. Their parents were all respectful of the tutor and when the students do not do well in tests and examinations, they do not blame the tutor. (Disclaimer: This does not mean I don't do my best to impart all that I know to the students.)

Come examination time, the parents would become very anxious, much more than their children would. The parents would come up with a revision schedule for their children to adhere to. Most of the time, it didn't work because the motivation does not come from within the students.

On one hand, parents would tell their children, "You are a big boy now. You have to learn to think more about your own future. You should learn to organise your time and stick to it." Some also threaten to disconnect the internet and confiscate their mobile phones and laptops.

But on the other hand, parents would do a lot of nagging, telling them what they should do for their future, which contradicted their wishes for their children to think and learn for themselves. Some parents also help their children by doing the work for them, such as by helping them to draw for their artwork. They also didn't really confiscate their gadgets. They might turn off the internet for a few hours or guard over their children's mobiles phones and laptops for a few hours and that's all because these children would demand their phones and laptops back and made lots of noises. 

It is understandable why parents behave that they because they love their children and wouldn't want their children to "suffer". Their children are their soft spot, their Achilles' heel. Where to balance the scale would depend on parents' priorities and their will to execute what they say.

Many of the children that I tutor also come from rich family. Their guardian once told me that one of the girls who came to Singapore had come empty-handed because her mother told her that she would get all the necessary items once they arrived in Singapore. Indeed, after touching down in Singapore, they headed to Orchard Road to branded bags, shoes and clothes. The guardian told me that these kids hardly have any financial constraint over how they spend their money and she had a difficult them teaching them the value of money. These children often do not have the motivation to do well in studies too, possibly because they have been so well taken care of.

On the contrary, the world's second richest man Carlos Slim from Mexico had been taught how to personally account for every single cent he received and spent. Many rich people that I read about have this kind of education in their family. This could be a big reason how he had become so wealthy.

In my family, my parents don't really fret about examination results. They still expect good result at the end of the year but during the school year, they don't really  Due to that, I was always so anxious about how well I would do because if nobody cared that much, I had to care for myself. So I was very disciplined about studying. For this to happen, fortunately, I belonged to that group of children who cared about studies. For many other children who are not, it might be good to let them fail so that they learn their lessons hard. If they don't even feel anything about it, maybe they have other interests and parents can let their children discover where their true talents are.

If your child wants to be treated like an adult, then show them how they should behave and think like an adult. Tell them that words are cheap and the only way they can prove that they are worthy of being treated like an adult is to act, behave and think like one. Let them know that you want to treat them like an adult by being firm and not giving them to their whims and wishes unnecessarily.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Or download my book from Amazon to read how I lived under my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

Teenager Rule 78: Everything comes with strings

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

The Rules of Parenting - Yelling Isn't The Only Answer

It's okay to be angry, both you and your children. More specifically, it's okay to express anger and disapproval but the means to express anger have to be selected. Yelling, shouting and screaming do not solve the issue ALL of the time. They just make matters worse. You know that as well as I do. Moreover, you are telling your children indirectly that it's okay to become verbally abusive when it comes to expressing anger. Guess what? Your children will learn from you and not long after you will realise that peaceful days in the household are getting numbered. 

As parents, you have the ability to calm yourself.

Be a role model. Treat your children as young adults and talk things out to straighten out issues.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Or download my book from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

Teenage Rule 77: Yelling isn't the answer

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

The Rules of Parenting - Give Them A Voice

Richard Templar, a parenting expert, author of The Rules of Parenting, suggested that as your children become teenagers, get them involved in all kinds of decisions made at home. They will feel more responsible and closer to the family as they can how their decisions affect everyone in the family.

My take is: get them involved as early as you can. Do not belittle your kids. They are great. They are smart. They are perfectly capable. There are kids as young as ten years old running their own businesses. So kids are perfectly able to make good decisions.

Be open-minded

Since you have made the decision to let your children be involved in the decision making process in the family, be open-minded and listen to what they have to say. Only be judgmental and critical towards the end. Don't let this kind of discussions be downgraded into one where you keep saying "You're wrong" to your children. Otherwise, your children will not be interested to participate when they see that their views are not properly evaluated.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Download my book too from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

Teenage Rule 73: Give them a voice

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

The Rules of Parenting - Anti-Favouritism

Some parenting experts will tell you to keep mum about your favourite child and never speak to anyone about it, except only your spouse.

Although I'm not an expert, my take is: keep mum at first, but at the appropriate time, reveal it to your children. This is from my own experience.

I could not recall the umpteen times my mother had berated me as I grew up. I also did not pay too much attention to how differently she treated my sister. Perhaps I didn't care then. But maybe I thought my sister was still young and so my mother had to be gentle with her.

In recent years, I found my mother was getting harsher on me while still treating my younger sister with the same gentleness. I confronted my mother a few times and all she said was that my sister was different and why I couldn't be more understanding towards my sister.

It was only one or two years ago that my mother finally told me that she cared for my sister more because she was much weaker, mentally and psychologically. But my sister was already a working adult. I just couldn't take her argument any longer. 

But I'm thankful. Thankful that my mother had finally been truthful to me, even though it was a painful truth. I am grateful to her for not revealing much earlier, otherwise I might not be able to take as steadily as I could if I had been younger and less matured.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Download my book too from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

The Rules of Parenting - Different Children Need Different Rules

Each child is unique. Different children have different needs.

There's no one-size-fits-all approach to rules.

I made that mistake too. I was not that smart so I studied very hard. I had a revision schedule every day. I had a strong desire to do well because I wanted to become a university graduate and do my mother proud. I also wanted to get a good job to be financially independent so that I didn't have to burden my parents any longer. I was doing well academically. I thought my younger sister should be similar to me and with some hard work, she can and should do well in school too. I pushed her very hard. Guess what? My attempts to push her in this direction failed miserably. I was very disappointed in her and myself, and she was very stressed as well.

But at a later time, I realised my mistake. I am always amazed at how my sister is able to draw anything from her imagination. She's very creative, only unfortunately the economy in my country does not appreciate her kind of talents. Since then, I have encouraged to keep her passion in this area alive, even if she's working in jobs that's not related to her talent.

But sometimes the same rules must apply across all children if it is the only fair approach. 

- Sibling Rule 57, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

What I felt unhappy about was about my mother who kept saying she treated both my sister and me "equally".

Over a long period of time, I found that it wasn't always true. My mother told me she could not scold my sister in front of all other family members because she was different. She was vulnerable and would break down if she had scolded her the way she scolded me. My mother told me because I had a strong character, she had no qualms about reproaching me in front of everybody.

Surely, my mother can have her own justification but it feels terrible from my perspective, from the perspective of a child. Just because I can take it means she has the liberty to hurl verbal abuse at me? 

There are times when you need to be unfair. The most important is how much you are asking of each child... ...and whether other children understand and agree.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Download my book too from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

Sibling Rule 57: Different children need different rules

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

The Rules of Parenting - NEVER Compare Children With Each Other

Although my mother did not compare my younger sister and me in a conspicuous way, there were things my mother did that showed her inclination more towards one of us than the other.

For example, when my sister was young and left the home without a word to go to a neighbour's house to play, I was blamed for losing my sister instead of her being irresponsible not to tell the family member where she went.

When my younger sister was in secondary school, like many other teenagers, she was rather rebellious. Since young, my mother has told both my sister and me time after time to inform where we went when we went out ourselves. I always did, because I did not want my mother to worry about where I was. But my sister did not. She would come back home late at night. At that time, we still did not carry a mobile phone. My sister broke the rule.

If I broke any of my mum's rule, I would be severely reprimanded. My mother would bawl out at me in front of all my family members. I understood why she did that. To shame me. As for my sister, all she did was to ask her to go to her bedroom. My mother would then nicely talk to my sister behind closed doors. That's it. 

Recently I asked her why. Her explanation was because she knew very well my character could take the kind of public scolding that she lashed out on me but my sister would not be able to take that kind of stress. In other words, my sister had to be dealt with in a gentle way.

My mother not only compared my sister and me. She also compared me with our neighbour's son, but she did not compare my sister with anyone. She compared my education attainment with our neighbour's son (I had a bachelor degree in computer engineer while he had a master degree in education). She compared our jobs (I was a software engineer while he was a teacher). She compared how much we earned. She also compared how much allowance we each gave back to the family.

In the end, I feel suspicious of my mother. Am I really that lousy? Do you really love me as your daughter? 

Parents, are you doing these to your children? Maybe what I was feeling then is how your children feel about you now. If you think you are committing such parenting mistakes, it will only do your children good if you can stop what you are doing right now.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Download my book too from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

Sibling Rule 56: Never compare children with each other

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

The Rules of Parenting - It's OK To Be Angry!

(Source: http://www.birthorderguy.com/podcast/078-right-and-wrong-anger-management-methods-and-little-points-that-will-bring-peace-to-your-home/)

From young, we were told off when we showed anger.

Anger is just one of the ways we express our emotions and having emotions is the most basic thing of being a human.

Not allowing our children to express their anger causes them to bottle up their feelings, and that can lead to emotional issues. They can grow up to be adults who don't know how to express how they feel and this can be damaging in their future relationships with others.

Richard Templar has written this problem very well in his book, The Rules of Parenting:

People who have grown up without rows may not understand that if you [have a] row it can still be alright afterwards. So they're afraid to argue with their partners... ... That means problems aren't aired, resentments build up, feelings are bottled up, and all that stuff we know isn't healthy.

That can partially explain why some of my friends and their friends have family issues. Being brought up in Asian families, they are not allowed to express any deviation in opinions from their parents. They were expected always to obey and be respectful, which meant to always go along with the opinions and recommendations made by parents, even though it might not suit their needs. Thus these led to many invisible conflicts. On the surface, the whole family may seem to be happy. But beneath that lamination, lots of discontent exists arising from the children.

What needs to be managed is the way our children express their anger. 

First of all, it should be free of violence. Remember if you had ever thrown things all over the place when you were so angry? We need to constantly remind our children that they must learn to be angry without agressiveness, being abusive or threatening. You must also be able to show your children that you can do it too. Children are always watching you and imitating your behaviour. Beware.

Second, when they are in the middle of their madness, have them talk about their anger. On what basis is their anger justified? They can start the sentence by saying, "I am angry because ..." In this way, they start to understand they can be angry and still have good behaviour.

What's your experience dealing with your angry emotions or angry children?

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Download my book too from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

078: Right and Wrong Anger Management Methods–And Little Points that Will Bring Peace to Your Home.
http://www.birthorderguy.com/podcast/078-right-and-wrong-anger-management-methods-and-little-points-that-will-bring-peace-to-your-home/

The Rules of Parenting - Apologise If You Got It Wrong

Parents, always be ready to admit your mistakes when it is very obvious you have made the wrong decision or say something wrong.

For Asian parents, I know it may be hard for you because of 'face' issues. I understand very well because I grew up in such a family.

Nevertheless, it is important.

As a child, I have never felt I was right. I was always wrong. Who was always right? My mother. Even till today, she's still the 'right' person in the family. Never once can she go wrong.

• I was wrong when I cooked for her, albeit not meeting her cooking standard.
• I was wrong when I pushed hard on my sister to do well in her studies.
• I was wrong when I swept the floor but left a few strands of hair.
• I was wrong to wash the dishes for her after a meal because I was 'pretentious', to quote my mother.
• I was wrong to buy supplements to improve my mother's health, because the supplements, as what my mother said, were meant for ghosts to eat, not for human beings like her to consume.
• I was wrong to graduate from university because my mother said because of me, she had less attention for my younger sister and that's why why sister did not make it to university.
• I was wrong when I moved out of my parents' house and stayed with my grandfather because my mother did not like her own father.
• I was wrong when I opposed to my sister's marriage when after marriage, her husband borrowed money from mother, then father, and then me.

I felt wronged. I  I felt indignant. As time passes, this grew to resentment and my eventual ran-away from home.

Till today, my mother has not apologised. I don't think I'll ever hear her 'sorry' because that's the way this household is set up. How can I expect an apology when my mother thinks she owns my life?

But I love my mother. I really want to give her a good life to the best that I can. I hope eventually she can loosen up a bit.

Apologising is not a sign of weakness because it takes courage. Today, if you show that you have a problem apologising to anyone, you will realise that your children will find it difficult to apologies for their own mistakes too. This might affect their social and romantic relationships in future, and even their work life.

A lot of relationship problems stem from ego problem, as Eckhart Tolle puts it. Another word to understand this is humility. I, myself, am sometimes guilty of this too. Many times we forget that we are fallible. We thought we are the smartest, or the most capable person. But no. No human beings are perfect. It's okay to make mistakes. The most important is to learn to apologise immediately when we realise we have upset, hurt, offended or inconvenienced someone. This is an act of humility and is only good if we teach it to our children by example.

Not only we want to raise smart and happy kids, but we want to raise kids with good character and with a sense of humanity.

Download my book to read more about my personal reflections on my family relationships.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Download my book too from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose (Oprah's Book Club, Selection 61), by Eckhart Tolle