The basis of all relationships is TRUST. No doubt about that. Stephen Covey (https://www.stephencovey.com/) really puts it well when he says:
Trust is the glue of life. It's the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It's the foundational principle that holds all relationships.
Mother
Before moving out from my parents' residence (actually I should say it's my mum's place because she was and is still the one making all the final decisions in the household). I respect my mum a lot because she is such a tough woman, yet very well-read too. No matter how she criticise for not being good enough, I take it positively to improve myself, whether it's my studies or housework or relationship with classmates. I trust her that all the things she told me was for my benefit.
And so, I couldn't believe it when just a few years ago she admitted that she loved my younger sister a "bit" more than me. She has always drilled into me that she treated my younger sister and me equally.
In another instance, she complained that I didn't contribute enough allowance to her and that my $1800 red packet during Chinese New Year was too little! Yet in the following year, when my younger sister gave her a mere $260 as red packet, she was delighted and didn't complain.
As a result, I talked to my mother lesser and lesser because I didn't trust her.
Father
As for my father, he has never had my trust for decades. Yes, ever since I was a child. But still I convinced myself to trust him still because he was my father.
"Tomorrow I will bring money home."
But he never did.
"Tomorrow I will fix the light bulb."
Yes, but only one week later will he remember about the light bulb. Meanwhile, usually my mum or my younger sister or me would get it fixed by ourselves.
"I don't like the way your mother treats me and you. I will stand by your side. Don't worry."
The reality was that when conflict broke out on the next day, he dared not even speak a word against my mother.
So eventually the trust between us eroded. Our conversations are mostly superficial.
Sister
I have a younger sister and we used to be close until she was married 6 years ago. The incident that broke all trust between us was two years ago in Aug 2013 when she borrowed thirty thousand dollars from me on behalf of her husband for investment purpose. My sister told me she would return the money exactly one year later on time. I decided that I would trust my sister. But nearly one year later when I reminded her that she needed to return my money she asked me when she had to repay.
I had not expected her to forget the due date but she did. I was even accused by her that I had given her too much pressure to return the money.
I don't trust my sister thereafter.
Maggie Gyllenhaal puts it well:
Who can I trust? You have to invest in somebody and chances are you're probably going to invest in somebody who's going to deceive you. I've been conned a couple of times, but now I'm a little more savvy.
For now, I have largely unplugged myself from my parents and sister. It's scary though because suddenly I felt I had lost an ecosystem of family support that I had taken for granted.
But I feel better now. No more quarrels. No conflicts. I'm choosing an avoidance strategy. This may be the worse strategy to take, as I have learned in a human resources management class because it does not solve the root problem. But it does quench all the conflicts at once. The next step to do is of course to solve the root problem.
How about you? Do you have trust issues with your family members? Care to share with others? Remember, sharing is healing!
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More Websites:
Stephen Covey
https://www.stephencovey.com/
Maggie Gyllenhaal
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maggie_Gyllenhaal
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