The Rules of Parenting - Don't Guilt-Trip Them

Is this an Asian culture?

My Vietnamese friend told me because Asian parents are unlike western parents. Asian parents invest a lot time, money and effort to groom a child but western parents don't really care whether their children study or not. (I think this is not always true.) Western parents take a lassez faire approach towards the education of their children but Asian parents are very invested. Western parents don't save up for their children's university education but Asian parents do. (Again, I think this is not always true.) That's why Asian children often feel indebted to their parents. There's always the thought of paying back. 

I have no problem with the idea of filial piety. But if it becomes an obligation to meet certain standards set by the parents, it becomes such a burden. Some parents also unknowingly want to make their children feel guilty. Then the relationship becomes something not made of love, but a transaction-based relationship where everything is measured based on cost and benefit. If they don't get their expected return, they use guilt to trap you.

Both my parents set a standard for me to adhere to show that I'm filial to them. For my father, it was a monthy allowance of $500, while for my mother, it was $1500 per month. Since I couldn't afford that kind of allowance, I gave a sum which I felt comfortable but much lower. They weren't very happy naturally and I was labelled as unfilial and they told many relatives about that. Strangely, even though my sister did not give them that kind of allowance, she wasn't labelled as unfilial. I wondered if 'filial piety' was just a smokescreen for favouritism. They said the allowance I gave was not enough and I was so stingy. They thought I was earning 5-figure income per month. I told them I didn't earn that kind of income but they didn't believe. To them, I seemed to be trying to lie my way out so that I could escape from the obligations they set for me. Our relationship has evolved into a business relationship. There's no love to talk about other than monetary benefit.

In short, I have only a lot of guilt.

I didn't earn enough to give them the kind of income they expected.
I didn't feel I'm good child.
I didn't do as good in life as they expected me to.
I didn't play my role properly as the elder child to take care of them.

But I was doing okay for my career.
I was giving them an allowance.
I was helping with household chores.
But no. No compromise is allowed.

A lot of tensions arose.

That's when I snapped, and sort of ran away from them to stay with my grandfather. Finally I could have some peace and quiet to think of my own life instead of just revolving my life around my parents' needs. 

Have you experienced this kind of treatment from your parents? Or if you are a parent yourself, are you finding yourself doing this?

It is not a good idea to continue the relationship this way. You need to sit down and think of a better way. You need to be open-minded to allow a compromise to happen. At least both parties can win a little.

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More Links:

Grown Up Rule 97: Don't Guilt-Trip Them

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Emergency Landing

You are your most important person in the world!

If you have been attentive when you are onboard a plane, you would have known that in the case of an emergency, you must always put on your oxygen mask before helping others. Even if your child is right beside you, that is something you must adhere to. The reason is simple: you have to make sure you have been taken care of before you can help others. As the saying goes, you can only give what you have. If you can take care of your safety, you are more likely to help others to safety. If you cannot even take care of yourself, who are you to take care of other people's lives?

I really like many of the things that Kim Wong Keltner wrote in her book, "Tiger Babies Strike Back:. She wrote:

A baby bird grows up and eventually leaves the nest. It was simply time for me to spread my wings, and fly away.

Sometimes, when a relationship doesn't work out, the best thing to do is to walk out. Are you facing a bad romantic relationship right now? Or a worsening family issue that strains your relationship with your family members? Or a bad relationship in your workplace? You don't have to feel guilty about it. You should be happy for yourself.

In my previous job as a Senior System Analyst in a healthcare firm, I was expected to be on call twenty fours a day, seven days a week. We had a whatsapp group and every hour, strangely enough, there will be updates. The CTO could be asking for work progress and the manager could be assigning work to individual analyst and following up with work progress. The whatsapp update the last thing to make a sound before I slept and was first sound I would hear when I awoke. During the night while I slept, there were also updates made by the CIO, manager and other analysts who worked on certain projects and bug fixes. Every evening, at about six, the business development people would also come round and ask for urgent work to be done for them in an hour's time. When I fell sick, my manager also whatsapped me to tell me that if I was feeling a bit better, can I work from home? Finally I gave it up. I quitted and found another better job.

Do I feel a sense of regret and guilt? Yes, a bit. Because I was doing quite different stuff from my previous engineering job and I really liked to do healthcare domain. But it was too much of a pressure cooker and my health was adversely affected, having to visit doctor at least once per month. But I really felt so much better now! Sometimes, you just have to decide to walk out and better could be waiting for you. Save yourself first before you can start contributing to other people's lives.

About one and a half years ago, I decided to move out from my parents' house. Too much unhappiness. Why did I have to contribute allowance to my parents alone? Why do I have to take care of my sister's financial well-being after she has a child even though she's already married and has a job? Why would I want to wash plates only to let my mother criticise me for being pretentious? I decided to walk away.

Do I feel a sense of regret and guilt? Yes, a bit. Because in Chinese culture, the elder has to bear all family responsibilities. I was under tremendous pressure to do for others, and put myself last. That's when I saw the whole unfairness of it. When all others have advanced in their lives, whether it's marriage or career, a bell started to ring in me. I must leave as I can no longer deal with so many issues. To day, I'm so much more happy now without the obligations. It isn't that bad after all.

So, are you in a difficult circumstance now and don't know what to do? You may very light need to walk out of it.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight. Download my book too from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

Can The Tiger-Parented Adult Love Their Children Unconditionally?

Are you a tiger-parented adult?

As I was reading Kim Wong Keltner's (http://www.kimwongkeltner.com/) book "Tiger Babies Strike Back", she asked a question similar to this.

Was she assuming that these adults who have lived with tiger parents, especially tiger moms, are incapable of love? Also, are they able to love their children with no strings attached?

The problem with tiger parenting is that parents, especially the mothers, devote a lot of their time to groom their children, and they made children feel indebted to the investment made onto them.

From my own experience, this can lead to parents using guilt and emotional blackmailing to trap their children. I was brought up having absolute obedience to my mother. However, when I have grown up and started to have my own opinions, my mother would start to bring up how much she had invested in my studies, including both time and money, and how she didn't expect that I would go against her will. This made me feel miserable too, because I was brought up for almost twenty years conditioned to please my mother, but when I started to see the world differently from her, I felt bad because I couldn't please her anymore. Like what the author did, I moved out eventually from my parents' residence. I also felt disappointed that I was treated like an investment, being expected to obey her every wish in exchange for the investment she had put in on my upbringing.

Also, love is subjective as well. In western countries, caning children is seen as an unloving act, but in Chinese culture, it is seen as a loving act. So how do you resolve which is the best? It depends on the temperament of the child and also your intention and this is important. Do you cane your child because you are inclined to hurt your child? Or because you love your child and want him or her to learn their lesson fast?

So, can the tiger-parented adult love their children unconditionally? 

Yes. Absolutely! Both authors Amy Chua (amychua.com) and Kim Wong Keltner have done it. Remember the ABC rule.

Awareness: Be aware of whether you expect your child to give you back certain things in exchange for your investment in their development. Do you know if you have given any physical pain and emotional encouragement to your child on a regular basis?

Before: Having had the awareness, assess yourself. If you do attach conditions towards loving your children, have a talk with your inner self to gradually reduce or eventually to eliminate all those conditions. How much physical pain and emotional encouragement do you give? Are they the right mix for your child? If not, how would you adjust it?

Change: Action leads to result. Having done an assessment of how you behave towards your child and the steps to talk to improve it, implement them right now! Waste no time, as the longer a parent-child issue lingers, the worse the relationship can become.

It takes a conscious decision and deliberate effort to improve your relationship with your child, if it is currently not doing well, but you definitely can do it. It's definitely worth it too!

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