The Rules of Parenting - Treat Them As Adults

As I have shared in a previous post, The Rules of Parenting - Everything Comes With String, many parents want their teenage children to grow up and start to behave more responsibly and think more maturely in an adult-like manner but at the end of the day, it is the parents who end up doing the thinking for the children, and some even end up doing homework for them and marking their mock test papers. These same parents also "threaten" to confiscate their children's mobile phones, laptops, and console games and other gadgets if they don't study but will often give in. Such behaviour sends the contradicting signals to the children, and so , when will they start to learn?

My mother's approach towards my upbringing has been very off-handed. She always told me, since I was very little, that my sister and I need to be as independent as possible and as early as possible because she would be working and nobody would be taking care of us, except ourselves. I have been carrying housekeys since 6 years old. I went to a music school by myself since maybe 7 years old to have piano lesson. I went to abacus class by myself when I was 11 or 12 years old. I learned to use the knife and cook (not instant noodles but proper meat and vegetable dishes) since 15 years old. She didn't supervise me on my homework a lot since I was primary one. She always said the future was our individual responsibility. If we wanted to have a better, we should take the initiative to study harder and longer, But if we did not want to have, you could have it your way as well. I chose all the subjects and schools that I went to all by myself as my mother believed in letting us decide what we wanted for ourselves.

Take buying food or eating food as an example. 

I always had to help out in buying food for the family for lunch or dinner, and also the groceries. My mother would also let my sister and me serve rice ourselves from the rice cooker. But in the course of tutoring, these teenage children that I tutored often had food bought back by their parents or maids. They also have maids to serve food for them. They also don't need to wash the dishes after eating. 

Yes, we are treating these children like adults, or more specifically, "pampered adults". 

What's my solution for you?

JUST DO IT!

Just push them, bit by bit.

Remember:

A stone will become a jade only after polishing.

Check out also my post on how Japanese raise independent kids.

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More Links:

Grown Up Rule 93: Treat them as adults

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Living on The Expectations of Others

In primary school, I was expected by my teachers to teach my younger sister well, and ensure she did as well as me in her studies.

In my secondary school, because it was a girls' school, all students (including me of course!) were expected to be good in the working world and good in kitchen. This was enshrined in our school motto.

During application of scholarship for university studies, I was expected to showcase how unique I was yet I didn't know I needed to do that. Pretty stupid huh. Of course I did not make it.

Growing up, the government told the nation my country is a place where if you worked hard, you would do well in life.

In my family, as an elder sister, I was expected to take full responsibility for my sister: her safety, her studies, even after some of the financial obligations my sister would have to undertake after her marriage such as housing and children expenses.

After graduation from university and stepping into the corporate world, I was expected to go beyond my job scope, to be smarter and more diligent than all of my peers, so that I could climb the corporate ladder faster.

After earning an income, I was expected to pay monthly rental for my room in my parents' house, I was expected to give a stipulated a amount of allowance to each of my parents, not meeting which would result in me being labelled as unfilial.

During a heated family argument, my uncle expected me to let me be scolded by my mother; he also expected me to allow myself to be killed if my mother wanted to kill me. In other words, he expected me to have complete obedience to my mother.

I found some of these expectations were not so bad for self-development but many were unfair.

Think about your life. Are you here on earth living on your own terms or living to meet the expectations of others? If you are, STOP doing it for a moment. You really have got to re-examine your way of life. Some of the expectations of us are good for our self development but many others has not much real value. 

So choose the way to want to leave.

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