Good Parenting Brings Good Karma

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Good parenting brings good karma. If you sow good seeds today, you not only benefit your children. You also benefit your grandchildren and their children and so on.

My mother warned me before I moved in to live with my grandfather, her father, about one year and eight months ago.

Initially I thought my mother was wrong. I thought she was simply prejudiced due to her experience with her father.

But she was right.

About six months after I lived with with, he started to call me every night at 10pm asking where I was, who I was with, what was I doing, and what time would I reach  home. This lasted for about a year and finally came to a stop after I had a breakdown in my neighbourhood park and complained to my father that I couldn't take it anymore. It was a torture. At the worse, he called 15 times within an hour because I didn't pick up his call.

He even had a good reason for it. He was worried about my safety, he said. On the surface it seemed a good reason, but I was 29 years old, going towards 30 years old, and being treated like a child. No wonder my mother felt suffocated.

But the worse thing that he could ever do to a child was to lie and lie again, and refusing to admit he was telling lies. I told him not to bring my clothes out to dry by direct sunlight. I told you to just leave my clothes indoor. He refused. Every day, he would promise that he heard me but every day, he would bring out the clothes as if he had never understood what he promised. For one year, I kept telling him nicely not to hang the clothes out. Eventually, several of my clothes faded because of the strong sunlight and some were lost as they were dropped onto the ground floor (we lived on the 8th storey) without his knowing.

And still, he insisted that he didn't bring the clothes out to dry. He even said that he didn't touch my clothes and he didn't know how my clothes were lost. What a blatant lie! I threw a very bad temper that day, and thereafter, he stopped doing it completely.

Recently I was trying to see if I can successfully grow garlic from a bunch of garlic cloves that I had. I put these garlic cloves in a small bowl and added quite a substantial amount of water to the bowl, but for two days, the bowl was surprising totally dried up after I came home at the end of each day. I knew my grandpa had drained the water. I confronted him about it and he said he didn't know. So for the third day, I continued my routine and added the same amount of water before I left home for work but this time, the water that remained in the bowl at the end of day was substantial. It meant that my grandpa had actually been draining the water. It wasn't that I didn't place enough water in the bowl.

After so many such episodes for the past one year and eight months, I couldn't bring myself to trust him again.

Only then I realised why my mother didn't trust anyone, including me. I wondered how she live twenty over years of her life with my grandpa. This lack of trust has seriously undermined my relationship with my mother. I often wondered and was angry with her for not believing in me.

I told my grandpa that was exactly the reason why his daughter and son didn't want him anymore. He simply shut me up, and told me if I was so unhappy with him, he would call the police and ask me to talk to the police. Instead of reflecting on himself, he simply insisted that the problem was me, not him.

Calling the police was his habit. In the one year and eight months I lived with him, I had seen more policeman coming to his house than for the past 29 year I lived with my parents. In face, I have never seen any policeman before at my house. He called those policemen because I threw my anger at him over his behaviour.

If the only thing that he could do was to call the police when his children or grandchildren made him very unhappy, what good could he do?

And I also had reason to believe his bad karma affected the career of his children.

No wonder his children, my mother and my uncle, forsook him. And now, I am ready to do the same as well.

He had to reason to blame anyone for not caring about him. This is karma.

The Rules of Parenting - Tell Them What's Going On?

Six years ago, in 2009, when my younger sister announced her decision to marry to a man I met for the first time, I questioned my mother,

"Why have you agreed to let them get married when the guy has only worked in Singapore for only a few years and have very little CPF to buy a house, is a S-Pass holder who can be asked to go back to his country every two years?"

My mum was very angry about why I didn't want my sister to get married?

She replied, "They have known each other for a very long time. And your sister is very keen and eager to marry him."

"How long have they known each other?"

"1 year."

"You called that 'long'?"

I didn't know that I wasn't being told the whole truth until last year, in 2014. My mum told me that before I saw that guy who was to become my sister's husband, she had already talked with him for hours and she was convinced of his sincerity in marrying my sister. She also assured him that it's okay if he didn't have the money to buy the air tickets and accommodation for his parents to fly here for the wedding dinner as she would pay for all those expenses. It's also okay if he didn't have the money to buy a house yet as she would let him and my sister stay in her master bedroom while she moved to a common bedroom. They could stay as long as they need to save the necessary amount of money for them to buy a flat. They would not need to pay any rental or allowance to my mother.

Only then I understood how that guy was able to marry my sister, despite having no financial means. I have been kept in the dark for years, including my father, who was also not aware of her doings.

In August 2013, I loaned out a rather big sum of money to that guy, my sister's husband. I did it because he had been so insistent and seemed so sincere. He was thanking me a lot and said that he would "forever" remember my kindness and be forever indebted to me. He also asked my sister to come and beg me for money for days. I also did it because I wanted to support my sister, to let her know I did not have ill intention of opposing her marriage and that as her sister, I would support her when she needed help. So I gave. 

In February 2014, during Chinese New Year, I shared this my father and he was shocked. He then revealed to me that that guy had also borrowed money from him a few years back. The loan was about four thousands dollars. My father did not charge any interest yet it took him about four months to pay back. My father said he took his money back from my mother and he suspected that it could be money from my mother, not from that guy. It seemed very likely to be so because my mother told my father not to mention that matter anymore to anyone, including me. When I confronted my mother about this matter, she again told me to shut up, saying it's none of my business and I didn't need to know anything. I was feeling unhappy about it because I didn't feel I'm a part of the family. It seemed that there are two factions. One consisting of my father and me and the other made up of my mother, sister and her husband.

Those are just a few instances of how my mother wasn't open to discuss matters that affect everyone in the family. Don't be mistaken. I love my mother. I admire her for her determination in raising me and my sister up. But I am very frustrated about being treated as second-class member in the family. Her decision to keep quiet about important matters alienated me and bred in me a distrust of her. 

No matter how hard it is to say, always tell your children the truth. Now, not later.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view by clicking the link at the bottom so that you can see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Or download my book from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

Crisis Rule 85: Tell them what's going on?

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

The Rules of Parenting - NEVER Compare Children With Each Other

Although my mother did not compare my younger sister and me in a conspicuous way, there were things my mother did that showed her inclination more towards one of us than the other.

For example, when my sister was young and left the home without a word to go to a neighbour's house to play, I was blamed for losing my sister instead of her being irresponsible not to tell the family member where she went.

When my younger sister was in secondary school, like many other teenagers, she was rather rebellious. Since young, my mother has told both my sister and me time after time to inform where we went when we went out ourselves. I always did, because I did not want my mother to worry about where I was. But my sister did not. She would come back home late at night. At that time, we still did not carry a mobile phone. My sister broke the rule.

If I broke any of my mum's rule, I would be severely reprimanded. My mother would bawl out at me in front of all my family members. I understood why she did that. To shame me. As for my sister, all she did was to ask her to go to her bedroom. My mother would then nicely talk to my sister behind closed doors. That's it. 

Recently I asked her why. Her explanation was because she knew very well my character could take the kind of public scolding that she lashed out on me but my sister would not be able to take that kind of stress. In other words, my sister had to be dealt with in a gentle way.

My mother not only compared my sister and me. She also compared me with our neighbour's son, but she did not compare my sister with anyone. She compared my education attainment with our neighbour's son (I had a bachelor degree in computer engineer while he had a master degree in education). She compared our jobs (I was a software engineer while he was a teacher). She compared how much we earned. She also compared how much allowance we each gave back to the family.

In the end, I feel suspicious of my mother. Am I really that lousy? Do you really love me as your daughter? 

Parents, are you doing these to your children? Maybe what I was feeling then is how your children feel about you now. If you think you are committing such parenting mistakes, it will only do your children good if you can stop what you are doing right now.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Download my book too from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

Sibling Rule 56: Never compare children with each other

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Trust Nourishes Relationship Above All Else

The basis of all relationships is TRUST. No doubt about that. Stephen Covey (https://www.stephencovey.com/) really puts it well when he says:

Trust is the glue of life. It's the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It's the foundational principle that holds all relationships.

Mother

Before moving out from my parents' residence (actually I should say it's my mum's place because she was and is still the one making all the final decisions in the household). I respect my mum a lot because she is such a tough woman, yet very well-read too. No matter how she criticise for not being good enough, I take it positively to improve myself, whether it's my studies or housework or relationship with classmates. I trust her that all the things she told me was for my benefit.

And so, I couldn't believe it when just a few years ago she admitted that she loved my younger sister a "bit" more than me. She has always drilled into me that she treated my younger sister and me equally.

In another instance, she complained that I didn't contribute enough allowance to her and that my $1800 red packet during Chinese New Year was too little! Yet in the following year, when my younger sister gave her a mere $260 as red packet, she was delighted and didn't complain.

As a result, I talked to my mother lesser and lesser because I didn't trust her.

Father

As for my father, he has never had my trust for decades. Yes, ever since I was a child. But still I convinced myself to trust him still because he was my father.

"Tomorrow I will bring money home."

But he never did.

"Tomorrow I will fix the light bulb."

Yes, but only one week later will he remember about the light bulb. Meanwhile, usually my mum or my younger sister or me would get it fixed by ourselves.

"I don't like the way your mother treats me and you. I will stand by your side. Don't worry."

The reality was that when conflict broke out on the next day, he dared not even speak a word against my mother.

So eventually the trust between us eroded. Our conversations are mostly superficial.

Sister

I have a younger sister and we used to be close until she was married 6 years ago. The incident that broke all trust between us was two years ago in Aug 2013 when she borrowed thirty thousand dollars from me on behalf of her husband for investment purpose. My sister told me she would return the money exactly one year later on time. I decided that I would trust my sister. But nearly one year later when I reminded her that she needed to return my money she asked me when she had to repay.

I had not expected her to forget the due date but she did. I was even accused by her that I had given her too much pressure to return the money. 

I don't trust my sister thereafter.


Maggie Gyllenhaal puts it well:

Who can I trust? You have to invest in somebody and chances are you're probably going to invest in somebody who's going to deceive you. I've been conned a couple of times, but now I'm a little more savvy.

For now, I have largely unplugged myself from my parents and sister. It's scary though because suddenly I felt I had lost an ecosystem of family support that I had taken for granted.

But I feel better now. No more quarrels. No conflicts. I'm choosing an avoidance strategy. This may be the worse strategy to take, as I have learned in a human resources management class because it does not solve the root problem. But it does quench all the conflicts at once. The next step to do is of course to solve the root problem.

How about you? Do you have trust issues with your family members? Care to share with others? Remember, sharing is healing!

Download my book too from Amazon at a special rate. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight. Download my book too from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Websites:

Stephen Covey
https://www.stephencovey.com/

Maggie Gyllenhaal
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maggie_Gyllenhaal

Distrust Destroy Guatemala Indigenous Communities

When I was a student in junior college (in some countries you call it the high school or pre-university college), I had to study a subject called "General Paper". It was an English subject that tested us on a broad range of topics from war, politics, economics, social issues, environmental issues, relationships, to arts and culture. It was during the time when we studied about war and conflicts that I became aware about this country called Guatemala and the issue of violence among its people. However, it was just a shallow understanding then. Recently, when surfing the internet looking for information about human behaviour, I came upon another view about the Guatemalan violence and I would like to share with you because it has disturbed me and opened up my mind. I hope it opens yours too.

Before militancy took over their daily lives, the Guatemalan indigenous people have lived as close-knitted communities with strong family relationship and strong kinship with other members of their communities. They trust one another and depend on another for social and economic support. These strong ties form a firm resistance against intruders and is the foundation of their existence.

However, when the military took over the daily lives of the indigenous people, the controls that they instituted broke that all-important trust. The military came up with a civil patrol system where they picked young boys and men to serve as foot soldiers in their communities. Sounds good and harmless right? 

But NO! These males were often implicated as accomplices in the violence and death of their own people when the real perpetrators were the official military. As a result, people within the same community could not trust one another and that fabric that holds them together fall apart. That is why the kind of violence that has happened in Guatemala is different from other kinds of violence. The distrust and suspicions among people have made them turn against one another so that even without much interference from the official military, the communities collapse spontaneously. What is most disheartening to learn is that widowed women and children suffered the most.

In the book "The Rules of Parenting", the author talked about the importance of being open and frank so that trust can be built between parents and children. He said that if you want your children to come to you for guidance, you have to let them trust you and you do that by being open and honest to them. I agree with him completely.

My distrust for my parents has led to the breakdown of relationship between us. If you have read my book, you would have read that after my sister was married, I found that my mother desire to keep more things to herself. When I started to question why she treated me differently from my sister's husband, she decided to avoid answer me and questioned me back about my motive. When I asked her to tell me more about the background and history of my sister's husband, she was also unwilling and said it was not for me to know. In my ebook, I also talked how how my father's lapses in what he promised made it difficult for me to trust him. I found it absurd that why we couldn't be open with one another as family members. I grew more and more distrustful of them and felt no motivation to talk to them. Eventually, this culminated in my leaving them to seek accommodation from my grandfather. 

I have released a lot of my anger against my parents but I haven't yet felt ready that I could trust and depend on them again. I hope our trust will build up again. As for the Guatemalan indigenous people, there are many voluntary organisations on the ground helping them to rebuild their communities once more. I salute them for their effort and pray that their good work pay off soon.

What are your experiences? Feel free to share. Sharing is Healing!

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight.)

More Websites:

The Paradoxes of War and Its Aftermath: Mayan Widows in Rural Guatemala
http://www.culturalsurvival.org/ourpublications/csq/article/the-paradoxes-war-and-its-aftermath-mayan-widows-rural-guatemala