A few weeks ago, my father sent an SMS to me, informing that my mother was about to throw all my books away. I met with my father personally to find out more details. At the end of the meetup, I told him to go back and save my books.
Never would I have expected that he went back home and initiated the greatest argument with my mother. My mother went into the kitchen and brought out a kitchen knife with her, threatening to either kill herself or my father.
After my mother was arrested by the police and placed into policy custody, my father then sent an SMS to inform me what had happened and told me he didn't think he was wrong and blamed my mother. I asked him why he did such a thing. "You said I didn't have the guts so I wanted to show you that I gave the guts to save your books!". Simpleton. Period.
So I went berserk upon hearing ridiculous news and that's how I landed up with the police.
This is not the first time my father did this kind of stupid thing.
My Father:
Quarrels and arguments almost every day since I was 5 years old, about money, about how he didn't care about her or us, my sister and me.
When I was about 5 or 6 years old, my mother would ask me to go and ask my father to bring home salary. From what my mother told me, my father was working for his brother and he didn't dare to ask for a salary.
He simply told me, "If you don't do well enough, you can go to polytechnic. It's just another three years anyway. If not, go to ITE. Then if you still cannot go into ITE, learn driving and drive taxi for a living just like me."
When the light bulbs went faulty, we had to ask him over and over again over several days before he would remember to change them. Gradually, my sister and I or my mother would change the light bulb ourselves and never wanted to ask him again.
For the past 20 years, he had never brought the family out for meals or gathering.
There were two things I am still extremely angry with him till this day. One happened after my A levels examinations. I was worrying whether I could do well enough to get into a local university. I told my father about my worries. He simply told me, "If you don't do well enough, you can go to polytechnic. It's just another three years anyway. If not, go to ITE. Then if you still cannot go into ITE, learn driving and drive taxi for a living just like me." ITE stands for Institute of Technical Education, a post-secondary vocational school for students who are less academically and more adept with hands-on work.
Fortunately, I did well to go into a local university. There was once I asked my father to fetch me back home with a lot of my belongings because I needed to vacate my hostel soon as the term would soon end. He missed a turning and couldn't find my hostel. I called him to find out where he was after waiting for a long time. After asking him a few questions, I knew where he was certainly and gave him directions to my hostel. He was not that far from my hostel. But he insisted that it was too troublesome and asked me to go back home myself. That's what I really did. Till this day, I found this episode ridiculous because he was already in the vicinity of where I stayed and yet I had to go back home myself.
My Mother:
I asked her why didn't she stop her brother and whether she really wanted me to go to jail, she just said, "Suit yourself."When I was a bit older, I asked my mother why she didn't want to divorce since my father had a useless man all his life and had created endless troubles for the three of us.
The only reason she gave was: she wanted to give us a complete family.
She wanted us to have a father and a mother, even when the circumstances had already shown that we weren't happy. She wanted my sister and me to have both parents, at all costs, regardless of all the quarrels and arguments that happened almost every day for the past 30 years.
Even now, my father still hasn't grown up to be a mature man and is still not showing care and concern for us all, she still didn't want to divorce him.
I don't understand her.
I really want my father to leave the house. My sister and I want a happy and peaceful home to live in. But the final decision has to be made by my mother.
She used to tell us very often how grandmother died when she was very young and how grandfather did not care about her and her younger brother (my uncle) and even beat them up often, and how her parents-in-laws and my father ill-treated her. Those may be true. But then, if she's suffering so much, why don't she just insist on moving away to a new place? Why is it that when she is aware that she is suffering she still insists on suffering in it?
Recently, I told her that her brother, my uncle, has been sending me SMSes to threaten me and sue me. I thought she didn't know. But when I showed her the messages, she said she already knew. Then I asked her why didn't she stop her brother and whether she really wanted me to go to jail, she just said, "Suit yourself."
My Uncle:
He said if I didn't move back to live with my mother, I will be deemed unfilial and will make my mother very unhappy.Ever since April 2014 when I first moved into my grandfather's house to seek a more peaceful life, my uncle has been sending me threatening SMSes to force me to move out of my grandfather's house, even though the house doesn't belong to him. He has also dictated to throw all my belongings out from my mother's house if I didn't move back. He has crossed the line. That's my parents' house, not his. Yet, he talked as if he owned the house.
On the day that my grandfather died, I went to the hospital ward to see my grandfather one last time. I didn't make any noise even though I don't want to see him. Yet he yelled at me and threatened me to move out of my grandfather's house immediately. I pointed my middle finger at him and he ran over and pushed me against the wall several times. It was stupid of me not to go and make a police case. He went one step ahead of me and make a police report against me about the middle finger gesture.
He even now expected me to apologies to him when he was the one who first yelled at me.
He said, "If your mother wants you to die, you better die immediately, if not you are unfilial!".
From what he said and all the information I could gather from my mother and father, he did all these in order to force me to move back with my mother. He said if I didn't move back to live with my mother, I will be deemed unfilial and will make my mother very unhappy. And if I don't move back, he will continue to threaten me. He told me to treat my mother better, or I will have to watch out for him. When my mother faced retrenchment 16 years ago, she scold me every day and beat me regularly and I didn't even make a police report against her or ran away from home. How many children nowadays will suffer like that? I asked so many of my friends what they will do. Most of them tell me they will leave the home or make a police report. But I didn't, simply because she's my mum. And he's now telling everyone how ungrateful I was to leave home.
One year ago, on the phone, he told me that my mother owns my life. Whatever she said, I must listen if not I am unfilial. He said, "If your mother wants you to die, you better die immediately, if not you are unfilial!".
All over the world, children move out temporarily or permanently to live on their own, why am I the only one faulted?
Besides, did he know why I didn't want to move back? My parents till this day are still quarrelling. Even after 30 years of marriage, my father still hasn't grown to become more mature. He is still irresponsible with words. Every thing that he can promise he will break it. He still doesn't care about us. The only thing that he understands what care and concern is about is buying some food home. It's not about asking how you feel when you fall sick. It's not about listening to you attentively.
In family problems, it is very easy for us to slip into the habit of pinpointing one person to blame for all the misery experienced by other family members. But after analysing all that had happened, everyone did have fault, some more, some less.
My Grandfather:
So I guessed it all started with my grandfather. My mother said he didn't care about her and her brother. He was always scolding them with vulgarities and beating them. He was always spending his money on alcohol and women. Life was tough. After marriage, my mother had to deal with my father's parents who again, as she told me, ill-treated her. Most of all, My father, the husband that she finally chosen, is a Mama's boy and didn't stand up for her and protect her when his parents were bashing her. But then, why my mother insisted on staying with such a man and torturing herself with it?
Many people, except my father, that originated all the troubles my mother faced for the past 30 years have already passed away. I have let go. But my mother is still holding onto her bad memories. She is still scolding me how I don't understand her despair in her past.
Who's at fault now? Am I causing her misery now or she is the cause of her own misery?
