But in the book "The Rules of Parenting", by Richard Templar, under Attitude section, there is a Rule 14: Treat Your Child With Respect
This is totally different. It's not just about reversing the conventional mindset that many parents have. It is about adding this mindset to your existing set of beliefs and values.
Conventional wisdom or family culture may have inculcated in you that parents are superior and have authority over children and children are to listen to parents whatever the parents say to their children, no matter how unreasonable it is. This is not being respectful as respect should be a quality that comes from the heart, not forced. Respect is about being equal parties. By forcing your will over your children, how do you to expect the so-called respect that is exhibited by your children to be genuine and is made from a comparable position as you?
Holding on to an authoritarian position may be important when children are younger so that by conditioning they know that there are certain limits to doing certain actions that may be detrimental to them or to others. For example, if they mess up a place and do no wish to clean up, parents have the responsibility and the authority to discipline the child to clean up a place. Being authoritarian may even be necessary when the child is being unreasonably rebellious.
But in many daily activities, do parents also fall into the trap of not showing respect to your child?
Back to the time when I was between fifteen and sixteen years old, my mother has been retrenched from a Compaq during the time Singapore was undergoing a major economic restructuring period. She was moving in and out of odd jobs. Money was hard to come back and my parents still had to service mortgage payment while supporting my and my sister's studies. It was a very stressful two years, and every day, my mother would vent her anger, stress and worries on me, beating me sometimes as well when I retaliated. Why did she scold me every day? It's mostly because I left a strand of hair after sweeping the floor or had not cooked as good as my mother.
Instead of showing appreciation of the housework and cooking that I did every day for those two years, I had endless scolding and formulating thoughts of suicide in my head.
Last August, after a major conflict with my mother, my uncle called me up to continue bashing me. he said,
"You owe your life to your mum. Without your mum, you wouldn't be here. If she wants you dead, you better listen to her and kill yourself in front of her. If she wants you to jump down from the twelfth floor, you better do it and no question should be asked. Do not retaliate. You should be grateful to your mum for bringing you up. You should be filial, not rebellious and ungrateful."
After telling me such things, I would be shocked if he thought that I would continue to listen to them and show respect to them.
Parents, do you... ... ...?
Treat your child as a channel for you to pour out your sorrows and vent your anger?
Treat your child as an object?
Behave in a way that deserves respect from your child?
Appreciate your child enough?
Recognise the strengths in your child instead of only the flaws?
It's time for a review of your relationship with your child and take action to improve it.
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More Links:
The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar
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Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar
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