The Rules of Parenting - Don't Guilt-Trip Them

Is this an Asian culture?

My Vietnamese friend told me because Asian parents are unlike western parents. Asian parents invest a lot time, money and effort to groom a child but western parents don't really care whether their children study or not. (I think this is not always true.) Western parents take a lassez faire approach towards the education of their children but Asian parents are very invested. Western parents don't save up for their children's university education but Asian parents do. (Again, I think this is not always true.) That's why Asian children often feel indebted to their parents. There's always the thought of paying back. 

I have no problem with the idea of filial piety. But if it becomes an obligation to meet certain standards set by the parents, it becomes such a burden. Some parents also unknowingly want to make their children feel guilty. Then the relationship becomes something not made of love, but a transaction-based relationship where everything is measured based on cost and benefit. If they don't get their expected return, they use guilt to trap you.

Both my parents set a standard for me to adhere to show that I'm filial to them. For my father, it was a monthy allowance of $500, while for my mother, it was $1500 per month. Since I couldn't afford that kind of allowance, I gave a sum which I felt comfortable but much lower. They weren't very happy naturally and I was labelled as unfilial and they told many relatives about that. Strangely, even though my sister did not give them that kind of allowance, she wasn't labelled as unfilial. I wondered if 'filial piety' was just a smokescreen for favouritism. They said the allowance I gave was not enough and I was so stingy. They thought I was earning 5-figure income per month. I told them I didn't earn that kind of income but they didn't believe. To them, I seemed to be trying to lie my way out so that I could escape from the obligations they set for me. Our relationship has evolved into a business relationship. There's no love to talk about other than monetary benefit.

In short, I have only a lot of guilt.

I didn't earn enough to give them the kind of income they expected.
I didn't feel I'm good child.
I didn't do as good in life as they expected me to.
I didn't play my role properly as the elder child to take care of them.

But I was doing okay for my career.
I was giving them an allowance.
I was helping with household chores.
But no. No compromise is allowed.

A lot of tensions arose.

That's when I snapped, and sort of ran away from them to stay with my grandfather. Finally I could have some peace and quiet to think of my own life instead of just revolving my life around my parents' needs. 

Have you experienced this kind of treatment from your parents? Or if you are a parent yourself, are you finding yourself doing this?

It is not a good idea to continue the relationship this way. You need to sit down and think of a better way. You need to be open-minded to allow a compromise to happen. At least both parties can win a little.

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More Links:

Grown Up Rule 97: Don't Guilt-Trip Them

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Living on The Expectations of Others

In primary school, I was expected by my teachers to teach my younger sister well, and ensure she did as well as me in her studies.

In my secondary school, because it was a girls' school, all students (including me of course!) were expected to be good in the working world and good in kitchen. This was enshrined in our school motto.

During application of scholarship for university studies, I was expected to showcase how unique I was yet I didn't know I needed to do that. Pretty stupid huh. Of course I did not make it.

Growing up, the government told the nation my country is a place where if you worked hard, you would do well in life.

In my family, as an elder sister, I was expected to take full responsibility for my sister: her safety, her studies, even after some of the financial obligations my sister would have to undertake after her marriage such as housing and children expenses.

After graduation from university and stepping into the corporate world, I was expected to go beyond my job scope, to be smarter and more diligent than all of my peers, so that I could climb the corporate ladder faster.

After earning an income, I was expected to pay monthly rental for my room in my parents' house, I was expected to give a stipulated a amount of allowance to each of my parents, not meeting which would result in me being labelled as unfilial.

During a heated family argument, my uncle expected me to let me be scolded by my mother; he also expected me to allow myself to be killed if my mother wanted to kill me. In other words, he expected me to have complete obedience to my mother.

I found some of these expectations were not so bad for self-development but many were unfair.

Think about your life. Are you here on earth living on your own terms or living to meet the expectations of others? If you are, STOP doing it for a moment. You really have got to re-examine your way of life. Some of the expectations of us are good for our self development but many others has not much real value. 

So choose the way to want to leave.

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Follow The Usual Path or Follow Your Dream?

This is a question as old as the universe. (Well, not that old but it's old)

Have you pursued a degree just because all the people around you expected you to take up? Like studying for medicine, law or architecture? But in the end, you found it wasn't what you wanted and you felt really empty inside you?

Or, like me, perhaps you have studied for a subject you really like but found that the work that the society has for you is not that stimulating after all? 

Then, just like me, you want to strike out on your own. You want to do something you are good at or are passionate about. You find that it is time to do so because you realise there isn't much point working all your life making the company your work for becoming richer. Maybe, like me, you want to live a more purposeful life. You want a more flexible work schedule. You want to leave a legacy behind.

If you have the aptitude, good for you, because you will most likely succeed. However, for the rest of us ordinary people, you must have been warned by your loved ones that it's too risky.  

I am going to tell you the truth. Yes, they are right. But that doesn't mean it should stop you from pursuing your passion, your dream. Although we see many businesses succeeding, the truth is that a lot more do fail. Out of 10 businesses, only 1 may eventually succeed. You have a 90 percent chance of failure, so to say.

Trust me. I've been through it. When I stopped myself from pursuing my passion and asked myself to concentrate just on my day job, I found terribly empty. When I quitted my job to pursue my passion, I found I couldn't sustain myself and had to go back to the job market to look for a job.

So what's my answer to you?

Keep your job and start a sideline pursuing your passion, until you are able to replace what you are earning at your day job with what you earn in your sideline. Follow both the conventional path and your dream at the same time. But not for too long. Always find ways to automate your business so that you can scale up your sideline without you becoming more busy. And now, you can step back more and focus even more on areas that you truly care about. For me, it has always been access to good education and healthcare for the less privileged people in the world.

What's your decision?

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Time To Define Yourself

You go through the motions of living.
You go through the busyness of life.
You work hard to climb the levels of education.
You take part in all sorts of after-school activities to make sure you are ahead of others.
You graduate from a good university.
You then work hard to climb up the ladders in the corporate world.
You then start a family and ask your children to do the same.
Your children grow up and you retire.
And you wonder what you have given your life to.

If you truly go through all of it only because you are interested in it, good for you.

But if you go through all of it to impress your parents, to get their approvals, impress your bosses and shareholders, impress your friends and relatives, what's the point?

At the end of the day, what do you really gain? What true value can you bring with you to the grave?

After working so hard, in studies and in work, I finally stopped myself in the frenzy of it. I feel so empty inside and begin searching for answers three years ago. I kept asking myself what my life is for, what is my purpose here and what can I leave behind so that my trip on earth is worthwhile?

It took me three years to figure out. But it's definitely worthwhile. I know why I jump out of bed everyday. I really and truly wants to build develop myself in the education, healthcare and entrepreneurship fields. And I'm doing step by step, one day by one day, and I know I will eventually reach there. Now this truly feels like it's me!

Now the important question is: Have you figure out who you really are and what you are here on earth for?

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Who Are You Really? Who and What Have You Been Living For?

When you were young, did you live for your parents?

If you live in a Chinese family, like I am, or in a typical Asian family, you might have done so.

Did you listen to your parents and were always busy studying to make sure you score those A's?

Did your parents keep telling how important it is to go to university and you tell yourself you got to make it?

Did you have to do well in studies so that your parents would have enough 'face' to show to your relatives?

Did you have to endure slapping and beating all the way till adulthood and being told you couldn't and shouldn't retaliate because the perpetrator was your mother?

Did you have to be an obedient kid and go home every day to do housework because your mother told you to?

Did you try very hard to please your mother but you always did not get any recognition?

Were you always not good enough for your parents even though you have tried hard and tried many times to improve?

I would answer 'Yes' to all those questions above.

As the elder of two children, I felt I had to do well to improve the living conditions of my family. I learn to do housework, cooking, studies, extra-curriculum activities very well. I sacrificed all the idle time that I had, and even social life. All because I wanted my mother to be proud of me. But my mother couldn't remember that I had contributed to the household at all.

Although I don't feel a strong emotion now, I was very devastated for a time back then. What was I sacrificing for? Who was I doing it for? I was lost for a while. I kept asking myself what was I born for? What is my mission here? Why didn't the universal god just take my life? Why must I suffer for nothing? Why did I have to miss out so much in life just to hear my mother say, "I forget that you have ever helped in the house"?

I read self-help books. I read autobiographies and biographies. I read history. I went from one success seminar to another one, taking down detailed notes of what each speaker had to say about being successful. I wanted to find myself back. After about five or six years, I seemed to know myself better and that was why blog was born. Because I have gone through similar sufferings as many others, I feel I am in a very good position to understand what you are going through. I also introspect myself to see what I'm good at and passionate about. And I'm very happy to tell you I have clarified what I want to do for the rest of my life.

What have you been living for? Have you found the real you?

Feel free to leave your comments.

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