Good Parenting Brings Good Karma

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Good parenting brings good karma. If you sow good seeds today, you not only benefit your children. You also benefit your grandchildren and their children and so on.

My mother warned me before I moved in to live with my grandfather, her father, about one year and eight months ago.

Initially I thought my mother was wrong. I thought she was simply prejudiced due to her experience with her father.

But she was right.

About six months after I lived with with, he started to call me every night at 10pm asking where I was, who I was with, what was I doing, and what time would I reach  home. This lasted for about a year and finally came to a stop after I had a breakdown in my neighbourhood park and complained to my father that I couldn't take it anymore. It was a torture. At the worse, he called 15 times within an hour because I didn't pick up his call.

He even had a good reason for it. He was worried about my safety, he said. On the surface it seemed a good reason, but I was 29 years old, going towards 30 years old, and being treated like a child. No wonder my mother felt suffocated.

But the worse thing that he could ever do to a child was to lie and lie again, and refusing to admit he was telling lies. I told him not to bring my clothes out to dry by direct sunlight. I told you to just leave my clothes indoor. He refused. Every day, he would promise that he heard me but every day, he would bring out the clothes as if he had never understood what he promised. For one year, I kept telling him nicely not to hang the clothes out. Eventually, several of my clothes faded because of the strong sunlight and some were lost as they were dropped onto the ground floor (we lived on the 8th storey) without his knowing.

And still, he insisted that he didn't bring the clothes out to dry. He even said that he didn't touch my clothes and he didn't know how my clothes were lost. What a blatant lie! I threw a very bad temper that day, and thereafter, he stopped doing it completely.

Recently I was trying to see if I can successfully grow garlic from a bunch of garlic cloves that I had. I put these garlic cloves in a small bowl and added quite a substantial amount of water to the bowl, but for two days, the bowl was surprising totally dried up after I came home at the end of each day. I knew my grandpa had drained the water. I confronted him about it and he said he didn't know. So for the third day, I continued my routine and added the same amount of water before I left home for work but this time, the water that remained in the bowl at the end of day was substantial. It meant that my grandpa had actually been draining the water. It wasn't that I didn't place enough water in the bowl.

After so many such episodes for the past one year and eight months, I couldn't bring myself to trust him again.

Only then I realised why my mother didn't trust anyone, including me. I wondered how she live twenty over years of her life with my grandpa. This lack of trust has seriously undermined my relationship with my mother. I often wondered and was angry with her for not believing in me.

I told my grandpa that was exactly the reason why his daughter and son didn't want him anymore. He simply shut me up, and told me if I was so unhappy with him, he would call the police and ask me to talk to the police. Instead of reflecting on himself, he simply insisted that the problem was me, not him.

Calling the police was his habit. In the one year and eight months I lived with him, I had seen more policeman coming to his house than for the past 29 year I lived with my parents. In face, I have never seen any policeman before at my house. He called those policemen because I threw my anger at him over his behaviour.

If the only thing that he could do was to call the police when his children or grandchildren made him very unhappy, what good could he do?

And I also had reason to believe his bad karma affected the career of his children.

No wonder his children, my mother and my uncle, forsook him. And now, I am ready to do the same as well.

He had to reason to blame anyone for not caring about him. This is karma.

The Rules of Parenting - Don't Guilt-Trip Them

Is this an Asian culture?

My Vietnamese friend told me because Asian parents are unlike western parents. Asian parents invest a lot time, money and effort to groom a child but western parents don't really care whether their children study or not. (I think this is not always true.) Western parents take a lassez faire approach towards the education of their children but Asian parents are very invested. Western parents don't save up for their children's university education but Asian parents do. (Again, I think this is not always true.) That's why Asian children often feel indebted to their parents. There's always the thought of paying back. 

I have no problem with the idea of filial piety. But if it becomes an obligation to meet certain standards set by the parents, it becomes such a burden. Some parents also unknowingly want to make their children feel guilty. Then the relationship becomes something not made of love, but a transaction-based relationship where everything is measured based on cost and benefit. If they don't get their expected return, they use guilt to trap you.

Both my parents set a standard for me to adhere to show that I'm filial to them. For my father, it was a monthy allowance of $500, while for my mother, it was $1500 per month. Since I couldn't afford that kind of allowance, I gave a sum which I felt comfortable but much lower. They weren't very happy naturally and I was labelled as unfilial and they told many relatives about that. Strangely, even though my sister did not give them that kind of allowance, she wasn't labelled as unfilial. I wondered if 'filial piety' was just a smokescreen for favouritism. They said the allowance I gave was not enough and I was so stingy. They thought I was earning 5-figure income per month. I told them I didn't earn that kind of income but they didn't believe. To them, I seemed to be trying to lie my way out so that I could escape from the obligations they set for me. Our relationship has evolved into a business relationship. There's no love to talk about other than monetary benefit.

In short, I have only a lot of guilt.

I didn't earn enough to give them the kind of income they expected.
I didn't feel I'm good child.
I didn't do as good in life as they expected me to.
I didn't play my role properly as the elder child to take care of them.

But I was doing okay for my career.
I was giving them an allowance.
I was helping with household chores.
But no. No compromise is allowed.

A lot of tensions arose.

That's when I snapped, and sort of ran away from them to stay with my grandfather. Finally I could have some peace and quiet to think of my own life instead of just revolving my life around my parents' needs. 

Have you experienced this kind of treatment from your parents? Or if you are a parent yourself, are you finding yourself doing this?

It is not a good idea to continue the relationship this way. You need to sit down and think of a better way. You need to be open-minded to allow a compromise to happen. At least both parties can win a little.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Or download my book from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

Grown Up Rule 97: Don't Guilt-Trip Them

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

The Rules of Parenting - Treat Them As Adults

As I have shared in a previous post, The Rules of Parenting - Everything Comes With String, many parents want their teenage children to grow up and start to behave more responsibly and think more maturely in an adult-like manner but at the end of the day, it is the parents who end up doing the thinking for the children, and some even end up doing homework for them and marking their mock test papers. These same parents also "threaten" to confiscate their children's mobile phones, laptops, and console games and other gadgets if they don't study but will often give in. Such behaviour sends the contradicting signals to the children, and so , when will they start to learn?

My mother's approach towards my upbringing has been very off-handed. She always told me, since I was very little, that my sister and I need to be as independent as possible and as early as possible because she would be working and nobody would be taking care of us, except ourselves. I have been carrying housekeys since 6 years old. I went to a music school by myself since maybe 7 years old to have piano lesson. I went to abacus class by myself when I was 11 or 12 years old. I learned to use the knife and cook (not instant noodles but proper meat and vegetable dishes) since 15 years old. She didn't supervise me on my homework a lot since I was primary one. She always said the future was our individual responsibility. If we wanted to have a better, we should take the initiative to study harder and longer, But if we did not want to have, you could have it your way as well. I chose all the subjects and schools that I went to all by myself as my mother believed in letting us decide what we wanted for ourselves.

Take buying food or eating food as an example. 

I always had to help out in buying food for the family for lunch or dinner, and also the groceries. My mother would also let my sister and me serve rice ourselves from the rice cooker. But in the course of tutoring, these teenage children that I tutored often had food bought back by their parents or maids. They also have maids to serve food for them. They also don't need to wash the dishes after eating. 

Yes, we are treating these children like adults, or more specifically, "pampered adults". 

What's my solution for you?

JUST DO IT!

Just push them, bit by bit.

Remember:

A stone will become a jade only after polishing.

Check out also my post on how Japanese raise independent kids.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view by clicking the link at the bottom so that you can see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Or download my book from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

Grown Up Rule 93: Treat them as adults

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

The Rules of Parenting - It's Better To Agree Than To Be Right

Parents, do you find yourself always wanting to prove to your children that you are right? Even to the extent of insisting you are right when the evidence is pointing to the opposite?

This is your ego.

Where does your ego come from?

There can be many reasons. One of the biggest reasons was what you had experienced when you were young.

After living with my grandfather for more than a year, I can finally understand why my mother acts the way she does. My grandfather is a very stubborn person, always insisting he's right. My dgrandfather is nearly blind. When I told him that the bread he bought had tuned mouldy, he became overwhelmed and told me that "it is not possible for bread to turn mouldy." When I told me I didn't want to hang my clothes out in the balcony to be dried and instead wanted to clothes to be hung indoors, he told me, "I'm stupid and my clothes will NEVER dry." When I told him that the floor was dirty, he told me he had already mopped a while ago and the floor was not dirty. Initially, I used to insist what I said, but nowadays, I just told him, "Up to you. If you don't want to believe my words, it's okay."

I can imagine my mother living with this kind of father, he's always right and the child's always wrong. Their relationship is extremely bad. My relationship with my mother is equally bad as my had knowingly or unknowingly taken on her father's persona. 

So ask yourself, if it's just a small matter, would it be worth scarring the relationship between you and your child by insisting you are right?

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view by clicking the link at the bottom so that you can see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Or download my book from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

Crisis Rule 87: It's better to agree than to be right

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

The Rules of Parenting - Everything Comes With String

I tutored many students in Mathematics and Sciences for the past decade and I have seen so many ways that parents supervise their children. This gives me many opportunities to think about parenting and observe what parents are doing.

Many of my students are around the age of 14 to 15. Their parents were all respectful of the tutor and when the students do not do well in tests and examinations, they do not blame the tutor. (Disclaimer: This does not mean I don't do my best to impart all that I know to the students.)

Come examination time, the parents would become very anxious, much more than their children would. The parents would come up with a revision schedule for their children to adhere to. Most of the time, it didn't work because the motivation does not come from within the students.

On one hand, parents would tell their children, "You are a big boy now. You have to learn to think more about your own future. You should learn to organise your time and stick to it." Some also threaten to disconnect the internet and confiscate their mobile phones and laptops.

But on the other hand, parents would do a lot of nagging, telling them what they should do for their future, which contradicted their wishes for their children to think and learn for themselves. Some parents also help their children by doing the work for them, such as by helping them to draw for their artwork. They also didn't really confiscate their gadgets. They might turn off the internet for a few hours or guard over their children's mobiles phones and laptops for a few hours and that's all because these children would demand their phones and laptops back and made lots of noises. 

It is understandable why parents behave that they because they love their children and wouldn't want their children to "suffer". Their children are their soft spot, their Achilles' heel. Where to balance the scale would depend on parents' priorities and their will to execute what they say.

Many of the children that I tutor also come from rich family. Their guardian once told me that one of the girls who came to Singapore had come empty-handed because her mother told her that she would get all the necessary items once they arrived in Singapore. Indeed, after touching down in Singapore, they headed to Orchard Road to branded bags, shoes and clothes. The guardian told me that these kids hardly have any financial constraint over how they spend their money and she had a difficult them teaching them the value of money. These children often do not have the motivation to do well in studies too, possibly because they have been so well taken care of.

On the contrary, the world's second richest man Carlos Slim from Mexico had been taught how to personally account for every single cent he received and spent. Many rich people that I read about have this kind of education in their family. This could be a big reason how he had become so wealthy.

In my family, my parents don't really fret about examination results. They still expect good result at the end of the year but during the school year, they don't really  Due to that, I was always so anxious about how well I would do because if nobody cared that much, I had to care for myself. So I was very disciplined about studying. For this to happen, fortunately, I belonged to that group of children who cared about studies. For many other children who are not, it might be good to let them fail so that they learn their lessons hard. If they don't even feel anything about it, maybe they have other interests and parents can let their children discover where their true talents are.

If your child wants to be treated like an adult, then show them how they should behave and think like an adult. Tell them that words are cheap and the only way they can prove that they are worthy of being treated like an adult is to act, behave and think like one. Let them know that you want to treat them like an adult by being firm and not giving them to their whims and wishes unnecessarily.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Or download my book from Amazon to read how I lived under my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

Teenager Rule 78: Everything comes with strings

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

The Rules of Parenting - Yelling Isn't The Only Answer

It's okay to be angry, both you and your children. More specifically, it's okay to express anger and disapproval but the means to express anger have to be selected. Yelling, shouting and screaming do not solve the issue ALL of the time. They just make matters worse. You know that as well as I do. Moreover, you are telling your children indirectly that it's okay to become verbally abusive when it comes to expressing anger. Guess what? Your children will learn from you and not long after you will realise that peaceful days in the household are getting numbered. 

As parents, you have the ability to calm yourself.

Be a role model. Treat your children as young adults and talk things out to straighten out issues.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Or download my book from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

Teenage Rule 77: Yelling isn't the answer

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

The Rules of Parenting - Give Them A Voice

Richard Templar, a parenting expert, author of The Rules of Parenting, suggested that as your children become teenagers, get them involved in all kinds of decisions made at home. They will feel more responsible and closer to the family as they can how their decisions affect everyone in the family.

My take is: get them involved as early as you can. Do not belittle your kids. They are great. They are smart. They are perfectly capable. There are kids as young as ten years old running their own businesses. So kids are perfectly able to make good decisions.

Be open-minded

Since you have made the decision to let your children be involved in the decision making process in the family, be open-minded and listen to what they have to say. Only be judgmental and critical towards the end. Don't let this kind of discussions be downgraded into one where you keep saying "You're wrong" to your children. Otherwise, your children will not be interested to participate when they see that their views are not properly evaluated.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Download my book too from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

Teenage Rule 73: Give them a voice

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

The Rules of Parenting - Anti-Favouritism

Some parenting experts will tell you to keep mum about your favourite child and never speak to anyone about it, except only your spouse.

Although I'm not an expert, my take is: keep mum at first, but at the appropriate time, reveal it to your children. This is from my own experience.

I could not recall the umpteen times my mother had berated me as I grew up. I also did not pay too much attention to how differently she treated my sister. Perhaps I didn't care then. But maybe I thought my sister was still young and so my mother had to be gentle with her.

In recent years, I found my mother was getting harsher on me while still treating my younger sister with the same gentleness. I confronted my mother a few times and all she said was that my sister was different and why I couldn't be more understanding towards my sister.

It was only one or two years ago that my mother finally told me that she cared for my sister more because she was much weaker, mentally and psychologically. But my sister was already a working adult. I just couldn't take her argument any longer. 

But I'm thankful. Thankful that my mother had finally been truthful to me, even though it was a painful truth. I am grateful to her for not revealing much earlier, otherwise I might not be able to take as steadily as I could if I had been younger and less matured.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Download my book too from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

The Rules of Parenting - Different Children Need Different Rules

Each child is unique. Different children have different needs.

There's no one-size-fits-all approach to rules.

I made that mistake too. I was not that smart so I studied very hard. I had a revision schedule every day. I had a strong desire to do well because I wanted to become a university graduate and do my mother proud. I also wanted to get a good job to be financially independent so that I didn't have to burden my parents any longer. I was doing well academically. I thought my younger sister should be similar to me and with some hard work, she can and should do well in school too. I pushed her very hard. Guess what? My attempts to push her in this direction failed miserably. I was very disappointed in her and myself, and she was very stressed as well.

But at a later time, I realised my mistake. I am always amazed at how my sister is able to draw anything from her imagination. She's very creative, only unfortunately the economy in my country does not appreciate her kind of talents. Since then, I have encouraged to keep her passion in this area alive, even if she's working in jobs that's not related to her talent.

But sometimes the same rules must apply across all children if it is the only fair approach. 

- Sibling Rule 57, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

What I felt unhappy about was about my mother who kept saying she treated both my sister and me "equally".

Over a long period of time, I found that it wasn't always true. My mother told me she could not scold my sister in front of all other family members because she was different. She was vulnerable and would break down if she had scolded her the way she scolded me. My mother told me because I had a strong character, she had no qualms about reproaching me in front of everybody.

Surely, my mother can have her own justification but it feels terrible from my perspective, from the perspective of a child. Just because I can take it means she has the liberty to hurl verbal abuse at me? 

There are times when you need to be unfair. The most important is how much you are asking of each child... ...and whether other children understand and agree.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Download my book too from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

Sibling Rule 57: Different children need different rules

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

The Rules of Parenting - NEVER Compare Children With Each Other

Although my mother did not compare my younger sister and me in a conspicuous way, there were things my mother did that showed her inclination more towards one of us than the other.

For example, when my sister was young and left the home without a word to go to a neighbour's house to play, I was blamed for losing my sister instead of her being irresponsible not to tell the family member where she went.

When my younger sister was in secondary school, like many other teenagers, she was rather rebellious. Since young, my mother has told both my sister and me time after time to inform where we went when we went out ourselves. I always did, because I did not want my mother to worry about where I was. But my sister did not. She would come back home late at night. At that time, we still did not carry a mobile phone. My sister broke the rule.

If I broke any of my mum's rule, I would be severely reprimanded. My mother would bawl out at me in front of all my family members. I understood why she did that. To shame me. As for my sister, all she did was to ask her to go to her bedroom. My mother would then nicely talk to my sister behind closed doors. That's it. 

Recently I asked her why. Her explanation was because she knew very well my character could take the kind of public scolding that she lashed out on me but my sister would not be able to take that kind of stress. In other words, my sister had to be dealt with in a gentle way.

My mother not only compared my sister and me. She also compared me with our neighbour's son, but she did not compare my sister with anyone. She compared my education attainment with our neighbour's son (I had a bachelor degree in computer engineer while he had a master degree in education). She compared our jobs (I was a software engineer while he was a teacher). She compared how much we earned. She also compared how much allowance we each gave back to the family.

In the end, I feel suspicious of my mother. Am I really that lousy? Do you really love me as your daughter? 

Parents, are you doing these to your children? Maybe what I was feeling then is how your children feel about you now. If you think you are committing such parenting mistakes, it will only do your children good if you can stop what you are doing right now.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Download my book too from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

Sibling Rule 56: Never compare children with each other

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

The Rules of Parenting - It's OK To Be Angry!

(Source: http://www.birthorderguy.com/podcast/078-right-and-wrong-anger-management-methods-and-little-points-that-will-bring-peace-to-your-home/)

From young, we were told off when we showed anger.

Anger is just one of the ways we express our emotions and having emotions is the most basic thing of being a human.

Not allowing our children to express their anger causes them to bottle up their feelings, and that can lead to emotional issues. They can grow up to be adults who don't know how to express how they feel and this can be damaging in their future relationships with others.

Richard Templar has written this problem very well in his book, The Rules of Parenting:

People who have grown up without rows may not understand that if you [have a] row it can still be alright afterwards. So they're afraid to argue with their partners... ... That means problems aren't aired, resentments build up, feelings are bottled up, and all that stuff we know isn't healthy.

That can partially explain why some of my friends and their friends have family issues. Being brought up in Asian families, they are not allowed to express any deviation in opinions from their parents. They were expected always to obey and be respectful, which meant to always go along with the opinions and recommendations made by parents, even though it might not suit their needs. Thus these led to many invisible conflicts. On the surface, the whole family may seem to be happy. But beneath that lamination, lots of discontent exists arising from the children.

What needs to be managed is the way our children express their anger. 

First of all, it should be free of violence. Remember if you had ever thrown things all over the place when you were so angry? We need to constantly remind our children that they must learn to be angry without agressiveness, being abusive or threatening. You must also be able to show your children that you can do it too. Children are always watching you and imitating your behaviour. Beware.

Second, when they are in the middle of their madness, have them talk about their anger. On what basis is their anger justified? They can start the sentence by saying, "I am angry because ..." In this way, they start to understand they can be angry and still have good behaviour.

What's your experience dealing with your angry emotions or angry children?

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Download my book too from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

078: Right and Wrong Anger Management Methods–And Little Points that Will Bring Peace to Your Home.
http://www.birthorderguy.com/podcast/078-right-and-wrong-anger-management-methods-and-little-points-that-will-bring-peace-to-your-home/

The Rules of Parenting - Focus on the Problem, Not The Person

Have you been labelling your kids?

I can't imagine any parents who truly love their kids for who they are and yet still utter lots of labels onto their kids.

Have you used these words on your children?

You are naughty.

You are stupid.

You are so rude.

You are so careless.

You are already so big and you cannot organise your stuff?

You are lazy.

You are selfish.

You may think that your child may change once you point out his or her flaws using such strong words but no. On the contrary, you may be reinforcing their negative behaviour because your kids start to live up to the labels you give.

Have you been telling your kids not to do this not to do that?

“Don’t drop the groceries."
“Don’t drive dangerously.”
“Don’t feel bad about your grades.”
“Don’t be nervous about your test.”
“Stop being so rowdy. You’ll knock something down running around like that.”
“Don’t be so noisy while we eat.”
“Quit pestering your brother.”
“Don’t feel bad.”

Instead, whenever your child has done something that is not up to your expectations, tell him or her the facts and how to improve next time.  For example, instead of saying "It is rude not to greet uncle", you may want to change it to "It will be polite of you to say hi to uncle". Feel the difference?

Read from the beginning to the end. Then read from the last sentence to the first. Do you sense a complete change in the meaning?

Source: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/103301385175851049/

Change your perspective and you change your words for the better.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Download my book too from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Negative and positive commands
http://www.motherinc.com.au/magazine/kids/kids-education/476-negative-and-positive-commands

The Rules of Parenting - Be Consistent

When I was a kid, I would answer my mum back one day and she'd laugh and tell me she was pleased I could stand up for myself. Next day I could say the same thing and get walloped for it. And there was never any clue to which way she'd go.- Discipline Rule 33: Be consistent, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

This is another excerpt that I can completely relate to. I have written many such incidents in my book as well. Be sure to download it.

One incident was the dish washing incident. If I don't help my mother to wash the dishes after a meal, she would scold me and say I didn't care about the family. But when I decided to help out in washing the dishes, she would scold me again and say I was pretentious and that I was trying to 'pretend' to be nice. That hurts! Since then, I don't really care about doing anything about washing because either way I am going to be wrong. I would rather scolded by my mother for wrongdoing than being scolded for doing right too.

Another one concerned a thirty grand loan I lent to my younger sister who asked me for the loan on behalf of her husband for her husband's investment purpose. I was hesitant about this at first but I wanted to show my mother that I still cared for my younger sister even though I was still against her decision of marrying her China boyfriend. For readers who may not know the background, I am not against her marrying someone from another country. I support my sister to marry anyone who is trustworthy. So in the end, I decided to lent to her. To cut the long story short, in the end, my sister and her husband delayed paying me back by a pre-agreed deadline and I had made a big fuss out of it as I wanted to pressure them to return me as quickly as possible. My mother came into this story and reprimanded me that I was wrong to lend my sister money. I was in a quandary because if I didn't lend her, there was a possibility my mother would scold me again for not supporting my sister. Yet when I finally showed support, I was seen in the wrong again by her.

It was really hard to please my mother. It was only a few months before starting this blog that I decided I have lived enough for my mother. When I do the positive things, I will be scolded. When I go the negative things, I will get scolded too. Which instruction of my mother should I follow? Enough is enough. It's too confusing and complicated. I decided to live for myself and move away from her to stay with my grandfather. 

Have you learnt any lessons from my experience?

Hope that from my experience you see the problems of inconsistency and you will strive to be consistent in your words and deeds for your children.

(If you are using a mobile phone,  please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Download my book too from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

The Rules of Parenting - Communicate

In any relationship, not just parent-child relationship, communication is very very important.
In the communications class that I took while I was attending university, and in those communications training classes that I attended after I started working, communication is defined as a two-way process by which information is exchanged between individuals.

Simple? But not that simple actually.

How do you communicate effectively with your children?
There are two main types of communication: verbal and non-verbal communication. Verbal communication is about the words you use and it makes up only a small part of a person's overall communication mix. In fact, it's only about ten percent. The rest is made of non-verbal communication which consists of tone, eye contact, gestures, body posture,

Appropriate Words
Use neutral and positive words as much as possible. Use praise wisely. Positive words nourish the spirits in children while negative words drains them. Be wise with your words.

Tone
Your tone can either help you to reinforce the message you want to convey to your children or contradict it. If you want to emphasise certain rules, make sure you look at your child in the eye and use a firm tone. A casual tone will contradict the seriousness you want to communicate to your child.

Eye Contact
Always look at your child when you are talking to your child. Sometimes, you can be very busy. But speaking to your child without looking at him or her brings across the message of inattentiveness and also that you are not valuing your child.

Gesture
When my mother is angry, she will stretch out her index finger and wave it up and down in front of me for every word she's yelling, to emphasise each word. I felt so disrespected and humiliated. Especially when she started each sentence with 'you', she would point her finger squarely at me. If she's fuming mad, which could also become physical and use her finger to press hard on my head, so that I looked at the ground instead of staring at her. Fortunately she did not go to the extent of using her middle finger. Can you learn any lesson from my experience?

Body Posture
If you have a young child or young teenager, make sure you sit in a proper manner. Your children are always imitating you, including the way you sit and stand. Proper spinal development is essential for general good health and physical development of children. I have seen so many cases where children and young teenagers develop curved spine. Some had to undergo surgery while others need external support to adjust their spine to a healthy curvature. 

Cheers to better communication!

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Download my book too from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar