Who Is The One With The Real Issue? Who Actually Has Fault?

Recently, the worst thing that has ever happened in my life was played out on me. I crossed path with the police and the mental institute. All because of the worst man I have ever seen in my life: my own father.

A few weeks ago, my father sent an SMS to me, informing that my mother was about to throw all my books away. I met with my father personally to find out more details. At the end of the meetup, I told him to go back and save my books.

Never would I have expected that he went back home and initiated the greatest argument with my mother. My mother went into the kitchen and brought out a kitchen knife with her, threatening to either kill herself or my father.

After my mother was arrested by the police and placed into policy custody, my father then sent an SMS to inform me what had happened and told me he didn't think he was wrong and blamed my mother. I asked him why he did such a thing. "You said I didn't have the guts so I wanted to show you that I gave the guts to save your books!". Simpleton. Period.

So I went berserk upon hearing ridiculous news and that's how I landed up with the police.

This is not the first time my father did this kind of stupid thing.

My Father:

Quarrels and arguments almost every day since I was 5 years old, about money, about how he didn't care about her or us, my sister and me.

When I was about 5 or 6 years old, my mother would ask me to go and ask my father to bring home salary. From what my mother told me, my father was working for his brother and he didn't dare to ask for a salary.

He simply told me, "If you don't do well enough, you can go to polytechnic. It's just another three years anyway. If not, go to ITE. Then if you still cannot go into ITE, learn driving and drive taxi for a living just like me."

When the light bulbs went faulty, we had to ask him over and over again over several days before he would remember to change them. Gradually, my sister and I or my mother would change the light bulb ourselves and never wanted to ask him again.

For the past 20 years, he had never brought the family out for meals or gathering.

There were two things I am still extremely angry with him till this day. One happened after my A levels examinations. I was worrying whether I could do well enough to get into a local university. I told my father about my worries. He simply told me, "If you don't do well enough, you can go to polytechnic. It's just another three years anyway. If not, go to ITE. Then if you still cannot go into ITE, learn driving and drive taxi for a living just like me." ITE stands for Institute of Technical Education, a post-secondary vocational school for students who are less academically and more adept with hands-on work.

Fortunately, I did well to go into a local university. There was once I asked my father to fetch me back home with a lot of my belongings because I needed to vacate my hostel soon as the term would soon end. He missed a turning and couldn't find my hostel. I called him to find out where he was after waiting for a long time. After asking him a few questions, I knew where he was certainly and gave him directions to my hostel. He was not that far from my hostel. But he insisted that it was too troublesome and asked me to go back home myself. That's what I really did. Till this day, I found this episode ridiculous because he was already in the vicinity of where I stayed and yet I had to go back home myself.

My Mother:

I asked her why didn't she stop her brother and whether she really wanted me to go to jail, she just said, "Suit yourself."

When I was a bit older, I asked my mother why she didn't want to divorce since my father had a useless man all his life and had created endless troubles for the three of us.

The only reason she gave was: she wanted to give us a complete family.

She wanted us to have a father and a mother, even when the circumstances had already shown  that we weren't happy. She wanted my sister and me to have both parents, at all costs, regardless of all the quarrels and arguments that happened almost every day for the past 30 years.

Even now, my father still hasn't grown up to be a mature man and is still not showing care and concern for us all, she still didn't want to divorce him.

I don't understand her.

I really want my father to leave the house. My sister and I want a happy and peaceful home to live in. But the final decision has to be made by my mother.

She used to tell us very often how grandmother died when she was very young and how grandfather did not care about her and her younger brother (my uncle) and even beat them up often, and how her parents-in-laws and my father ill-treated her. Those may be true. But then, if she's suffering so much, why don't she just insist on moving away to a new place? Why is it that when she is aware that she is suffering she still insists on suffering in it?

Recently, I told her that her brother, my uncle, has been sending me SMSes to threaten me and sue me. I thought she didn't know. But when I showed her the messages, she said she already knew. Then I asked her why didn't she stop her brother and whether she really wanted me to go to jail, she just said, "Suit yourself."

My Uncle:

He said if I didn't move back to live with my mother, I will be deemed unfilial and will make my mother very unhappy.

Ever since April 2014 when I first moved into my grandfather's house to seek a more peaceful life, my uncle has been sending me threatening SMSes to force me to move out of my grandfather's house, even though the house doesn't belong to him. He has also dictated to throw all my belongings out from my mother's house if I didn't move back. He has crossed the line. That's my parents' house, not his. Yet, he talked as if he owned the house.

On the day that my grandfather died, I went to the hospital ward to see my grandfather one last time. I didn't make any noise even though I don't want to see him. Yet he yelled at me and threatened me to move out of my grandfather's house immediately. I pointed my middle finger at him and he ran over and pushed me against the wall several times. It was stupid of me not to go and make a police case. He went one step ahead of me and make a police report against me about the middle finger gesture.

He even now expected me to apologies to him when he was the one who first yelled at me.

He said, "If your mother wants you to die, you better die immediately, if not you are unfilial!".

From what he said and all the information I could gather from my mother and father, he did all these in order to force me to move back with my mother. He said if I didn't move back to live with my mother, I will be deemed unfilial and will make my mother very unhappy. And if I don't move back, he will continue to threaten me. He told me to treat my mother better, or I will have to watch out for him. When my mother faced retrenchment 16 years ago, she scold me every day and beat me regularly and I didn't even make a police report against her or ran away from home. How many children nowadays will suffer like that? I asked so many of my friends what they will do. Most of them tell me they will leave the home or make a police report. But I didn't, simply because she's my mum. And he's now telling everyone how ungrateful I was to leave home.

One year ago, on the phone, he told me that my mother owns my life. Whatever she said, I must listen if not I am unfilial. He said, "If your mother wants you to die, you better die immediately, if not you are unfilial!".

All over the world, children move out temporarily or permanently to live on their own, why am I the only one faulted?

Besides, did he know why I didn't want to move back? My parents till this day are still quarrelling. Even after 30 years of marriage, my father still hasn't grown to become more mature. He is still irresponsible with words. Every thing that he can promise he will break it. He still doesn't care about us. The only thing that he understands what care and concern is about is buying some food home. It's not about asking how you feel when you fall sick. It's not about listening to you attentively.

In family problems, it is very easy for us to slip into the habit of pinpointing one person to blame for all the misery experienced by other family members. But after analysing all that had happened, everyone did have fault, some more, some less.


My Grandfather:

So I guessed it all started with my grandfather. My mother said he didn't care about her and her brother. He was always scolding them with vulgarities and beating them. He was always spending his money on alcohol and women. Life was tough. After marriage, my mother had to deal with my father's parents who again, as she told me, ill-treated her. Most of all, My father, the husband that she finally chosen, is a Mama's boy and didn't stand up for her and protect her when his parents were bashing her. But then, why my mother insisted on staying with such a man and torturing herself with it?

Many people, except my father, that originated all the troubles my mother faced for the past 30 years have already passed away. I have let go. But my mother is still holding onto her bad memories. She is still scolding me how I don't understand her despair in her past.

Who's at fault now? Am I causing her misery now or she is the cause of her own misery?

This May Be The Reason Why You Are Being Hated And You Just Don't Know Why and Love Is The Solution

The solution to my mum's hatred of me is LOVE!!!

It was a restless night last night.

I couldn't sleep until 4am. I woke up a mere 4 hours later at 8am.

It was a slow morning. I brushed my teeth slowly, washed my face slowly, changed into my work attire listlessly, all the while with all sorts of thoughts spinning at the speed of light in and around my brain.

Why and how did I end up that way?

Last night, I received an unexpected phone call from my father and we talked for a full 40 minutes. He shared so many things with my regarding the circumstances surrounding my grandfather's death this Wednesday morning on 27 April 2016.

One of the things that kept me awake last night was the photograph he had taken from one of the many photo albums that my grandfather had kept in his wardrobe. He told me that was a photo of my mum's younger self with her father, which is my grandfather. My father said I looked exactly like my mum when she was younger.

I was a split image of my mum!

This is so eerie!

Last year, I shared with a good friend of mine all the unpleasant things my mum did to me. As we chatted, he suddenly asked about how my mother looked like. I told him we were very alike. When we went out together, people often thought we are sisters. At that time, my friend told me that could be exactly the reason why my mother hated me!

Because I looked exactly like my mother, every time when we saw me, those nasty thoughts about how her father treated her filled her up completely and she couldn't help but hate me whenever she looked at me. At that time, I only took what he said with a pinch of salt. I had doubt if it could be true.

But now, there's evidence.

My friend advised me to take a look at the photo as soon as possible to verify if I was the split image of my mum.

And my friend added on that if that was the case, I need to love my mum, not hate her, because she probably went through a bad time with her father and she couldn't help but take her anger on me, and always dissatisfied and unhappy with me.

Now I sort of understand.

Yes, I will not hate my mum. She couldn't help it. I need to love her even more, and help her walk out of her shadows.

Bless me and my mum. Wouldn't you?

How To Know If You Are Living With A Control Freak?

Living with a parent or grandparent who is a control freak isn't easy. The worst thing is they are not even aware that they are control freak. If they are not aware, they won't realise they have a problem. Without realising that they have a problem, they will not take steps to change their behaviour and thinking.

After a meet-up with a friends lately, talking to him about my problem with my grandfather, he pointed out that grandfather was a control freak. Indeed.

I didn't know how my mother managed to live with him for over twenty years without going crazy but in these 1 year and 8 months that I have lived with him, I have suffered a few mental breakdown. Not only that, some people criticised me as being too emotionally immature or too quick tempered. These people should live with my grandfather for one year before they think they know everything.

So, going back to the main question. How do you know if you are living with a control freak?

1. He wants you to be back home by a certain time every day. 

My grandfather used to call me at 10pm every day, asking me the same five questions every time: where are you now? what are you doing now? who are you with? what time will you be back? are you coming back soon?

Years ago, when I was living with my parents, he used to wait at the bus stop every day where my mother would alight after work. He would walk behind my mother until they reach my parents' apartment. Then he would leave.

My mother told me he's crazy. But actually, he's not crazy. He has a very serious need for control. It wasn't that he really cared about my mother much as he needed to see that my mother was back home at a certain every day.

2. He guilt-trips you by giving you pretty reasons for the things he does.

I asked my grandfather why he called me the same time every night and he said it was for my safety. It was a good reason but I was 29 years old, and going to be 30 years old. Surely he knows that I'm able to take care of myself? But, the reason would make you feel guilty about not being back home early because you are making him worry, But don't be fooled. He wasn't worried. He just wanted to make sure you were back by a certain time. It's a kind of control!

Because I tutored almost every single night, so when I reached home, it would be almost 11pm. And he would always tell me he hadn't eaten. He was waiting for me to eat. I would always tell him to eat earlier when he's hungry. There's no need to wait for me. And he would always tell me he wasn't hungry. And if I told him I don't want to eat, he would be unhappy and say, "I waited for you for so long to eat yet you don't want to eat."

3. He doesn't allow you to do anything at home.

I like to water the potted plants outside my grandfather's apartment. But he would always stop me. He said he had already watered the plants and I didn't need to do it again. Or he would tell he he would water it later and there's no need to trouble me.

When I wanted to wash the dishes after a meal, he would also  tell me that he would do it later.

When I wanted to wash my clothes, he would also tell me that I didn't need to do it.

On the surface, he seemed like a good grandfather. But he's just a control freak. He's telling me not to do it not because he loved me but as a control freak, he couldn't stand anyone doing things their own way.

Are you living with a control freak?

The Rules of Parenting - You Are A Loser If You Do This

If you lose your temper, you're the loser.

This is Everyday Rule 37 in the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar.

Why will you be seen as a loser by your child? 

Because you lost yourself. You have lost control of yourself. Therefore, this tells the child that it's okay to lose temper.

But it may not be easy to control yourself. 

It can be done but it takes a lot of practice and discipline.

When you have decided that you will commit, do the following steps:

1. Stop yourself in your track once you start sensing the anger flowing out and walk to another place immediately.

2. Forgive yourself for being on the verge of anger. Forgive your child.

3. Bless yourself and bless your child.

You will find you have a calmer mind, and the relationship will be maintained. 

Both you and your child win because of your ability to manage your anger.

Cheers!

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter ang or my book. Download my book too from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

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Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

The Rules of Parenting - Be Consistent

When I was a kid, I would answer my mum back one day and she'd laugh and tell me she was pleased I could stand up for myself. Next day I could say the same thing and get walloped for it. And there was never any clue to which way she'd go.- Discipline Rule 33: Be consistent, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

This is another excerpt that I can completely relate to. I have written many such incidents in my book as well. Be sure to download it.

One incident was the dish washing incident. If I don't help my mother to wash the dishes after a meal, she would scold me and say I didn't care about the family. But when I decided to help out in washing the dishes, she would scold me again and say I was pretentious and that I was trying to 'pretend' to be nice. That hurts! Since then, I don't really care about doing anything about washing because either way I am going to be wrong. I would rather scolded by my mother for wrongdoing than being scolded for doing right too.

Another one concerned a thirty grand loan I lent to my younger sister who asked me for the loan on behalf of her husband for her husband's investment purpose. I was hesitant about this at first but I wanted to show my mother that I still cared for my younger sister even though I was still against her decision of marrying her China boyfriend. For readers who may not know the background, I am not against her marrying someone from another country. I support my sister to marry anyone who is trustworthy. So in the end, I decided to lent to her. To cut the long story short, in the end, my sister and her husband delayed paying me back by a pre-agreed deadline and I had made a big fuss out of it as I wanted to pressure them to return me as quickly as possible. My mother came into this story and reprimanded me that I was wrong to lend my sister money. I was in a quandary because if I didn't lend her, there was a possibility my mother would scold me again for not supporting my sister. Yet when I finally showed support, I was seen in the wrong again by her.

It was really hard to please my mother. It was only a few months before starting this blog that I decided I have lived enough for my mother. When I do the positive things, I will be scolded. When I go the negative things, I will get scolded too. Which instruction of my mother should I follow? Enough is enough. It's too confusing and complicated. I decided to live for myself and move away from her to stay with my grandfather. 

Have you learnt any lessons from my experience?

Hope that from my experience you see the problems of inconsistency and you will strive to be consistent in your words and deeds for your children.

(If you are using a mobile phone,  please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Download my book too from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

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Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

The Rules of Parenting - Treating Your Child With Respect

Many books and articles have taught parents how to discipline their children and how to teach their children how to respect people. Many parents also did a lot of searches on the Internet to look for guidance on how to discipline them and teach them about respect.

But in the book "The Rules of Parenting", by Richard Templar, under Attitude section, there is a Rule 14: Treat Your Child With Respect

This is totally different. It's not just about reversing the conventional mindset that many parents have. It is about adding this mindset to your existing set of beliefs and values.

Conventional wisdom or family culture may have inculcated in you that parents are superior and have authority over children and children are to listen to parents whatever the parents say to their children, no matter how unreasonable it is. This is not being respectful as respect should be a quality that comes from the heart, not forced. Respect is about being equal parties. By forcing your will over your children, how do you to expect the so-called respect that is exhibited by your children to be genuine and is made from a comparable position as you?

Holding on to an authoritarian position may be important when children are younger so that by conditioning they know that there are certain limits to doing certain actions that may be detrimental to them or to others. For example, if they mess up a place and do no wish to clean up, parents have the responsibility and the authority to discipline the child to clean up a place. Being authoritarian may even be necessary when the child is being unreasonably rebellious.

But in many daily activities, do parents also fall into the trap of not showing respect to your child?

Back to the time when I was between fifteen and sixteen years old, my mother has been retrenched from a Compaq during the time Singapore was undergoing a major economic restructuring period. She was moving in and out of odd jobs. Money was hard to come back and my parents still had to service mortgage payment while supporting my and my sister's studies. It was a very stressful two years, and every day, my mother would vent her anger, stress and worries on me, beating me sometimes as well when I retaliated. Why did she scold me every day? It's mostly because I left a strand of hair after sweeping the floor or had not cooked as good as my mother.

Instead of showing appreciation of the housework and cooking that I did every day for those two years, I had endless scolding and formulating thoughts of suicide in my head. 

Last August, after a major conflict with my mother, my uncle called me up to continue bashing me. he said, 

"You owe your life to your mum. Without your mum, you wouldn't be here. If she wants you dead, you better listen to her and kill yourself in front of her. If she wants you to jump down from the twelfth floor, you better do it and no question should be asked. Do not retaliate. You should be grateful to your mum for bringing you up. You should be filial, not rebellious and ungrateful."

After telling me such things, I would be shocked if he thought that I would continue to listen to them and show respect to them.

Parents, do you... ... ...?
Treat your child as a channel for you to pour out your sorrows and vent your anger?
Treat your child as an object?
Behave in a way that deserves respect from your child?
Appreciate your child enough?
Recognise the strengths in your child instead of only the flaws?

It's time for a review of your relationship with your child and take action to improve it.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight. Download my book too from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

The Rules of Parenting - Your Attitude Towards Your Child

In the book "The Rules of Parenting", by Richard Templar, under Attitude section there is a Rule 13: Look pleased to see them.

Have you been greeting your children nicely when they come home from school?
Have you asked how their days are when they come back from school or from a gathering or event?

Or maybe, you don't interact with them at all.

Or worse, you start to open your mouth and tell off the moment you see them!

I can still remember during the two years of upper secondary school education, I was being scolded every day for every little thing by my mother. She was retrenched and under tremendous financial pressures. The moment she stepped into the living from work, she would start to tell me off and say I had no swept the floor clean enough and I was useless. After that, she would criticise the dinner that I cooked: this was not good, that was not good, and so on. Every day.

Although it wasn't a very nice experience but it made me grow up. I didn't hate my mother. I felt it was an experience that had made me stronger. Those are definitely not very nice experience to grow up with. I was always scared and angry. So, as far as possible, my plea to you parents is to keep those negativity at a minimum.

At a boarding school where I teach Science subjects for the foreign students, the owner was a dynamic lady and she has a thirteen-year-old son who is currently studying Secondary 1. Especially now, since it's end of year examination period, the intensity and frequency of her scolding her son has increased. She would yell at her son almost after every two hours. The son became angry too and yelled back at his mother. The mother also keeps comparing other students in her boarding school to her son. Her son was inevitably unhappy about the comparisons.

I have taught her son for a few lessons. He's a nice son just that one has to be firm as he can be rather argumentative. For example, there was once my lesson with him was to take place at 4pm until 5.30pm. But he was late and when 5.30pm came, he argued that since I started lesson with him at only 4.15pm, we should end at 5.45 pm. He was also at the age vulnerable to distractions such as computer games and smartphone messaging apps. He can also be rather irresponsible for his schoolwork such as not doing any preparations and coming up with questions for clarifications during tuition lessons. But other than that, he was fine. He is a very social boy who is always mingling with other students in the boarding school.

So parents, it's really up to you. At the end of the day, please make the best long-term decision for you and your child. No parties ever lose out by being more appreciative of each other.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight. Download my book too from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Trust Nourishes Relationship Above All Else

The basis of all relationships is TRUST. No doubt about that. Stephen Covey (https://www.stephencovey.com/) really puts it well when he says:

Trust is the glue of life. It's the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It's the foundational principle that holds all relationships.

Mother

Before moving out from my parents' residence (actually I should say it's my mum's place because she was and is still the one making all the final decisions in the household). I respect my mum a lot because she is such a tough woman, yet very well-read too. No matter how she criticise for not being good enough, I take it positively to improve myself, whether it's my studies or housework or relationship with classmates. I trust her that all the things she told me was for my benefit.

And so, I couldn't believe it when just a few years ago she admitted that she loved my younger sister a "bit" more than me. She has always drilled into me that she treated my younger sister and me equally.

In another instance, she complained that I didn't contribute enough allowance to her and that my $1800 red packet during Chinese New Year was too little! Yet in the following year, when my younger sister gave her a mere $260 as red packet, she was delighted and didn't complain.

As a result, I talked to my mother lesser and lesser because I didn't trust her.

Father

As for my father, he has never had my trust for decades. Yes, ever since I was a child. But still I convinced myself to trust him still because he was my father.

"Tomorrow I will bring money home."

But he never did.

"Tomorrow I will fix the light bulb."

Yes, but only one week later will he remember about the light bulb. Meanwhile, usually my mum or my younger sister or me would get it fixed by ourselves.

"I don't like the way your mother treats me and you. I will stand by your side. Don't worry."

The reality was that when conflict broke out on the next day, he dared not even speak a word against my mother.

So eventually the trust between us eroded. Our conversations are mostly superficial.

Sister

I have a younger sister and we used to be close until she was married 6 years ago. The incident that broke all trust between us was two years ago in Aug 2013 when she borrowed thirty thousand dollars from me on behalf of her husband for investment purpose. My sister told me she would return the money exactly one year later on time. I decided that I would trust my sister. But nearly one year later when I reminded her that she needed to return my money she asked me when she had to repay.

I had not expected her to forget the due date but she did. I was even accused by her that I had given her too much pressure to return the money. 

I don't trust my sister thereafter.


Maggie Gyllenhaal puts it well:

Who can I trust? You have to invest in somebody and chances are you're probably going to invest in somebody who's going to deceive you. I've been conned a couple of times, but now I'm a little more savvy.

For now, I have largely unplugged myself from my parents and sister. It's scary though because suddenly I felt I had lost an ecosystem of family support that I had taken for granted.

But I feel better now. No more quarrels. No conflicts. I'm choosing an avoidance strategy. This may be the worse strategy to take, as I have learned in a human resources management class because it does not solve the root problem. But it does quench all the conflicts at once. The next step to do is of course to solve the root problem.

How about you? Do you have trust issues with your family members? Care to share with others? Remember, sharing is healing!

Download my book too from Amazon at a special rate. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight. Download my book too from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Websites:

Stephen Covey
https://www.stephencovey.com/

Maggie Gyllenhaal
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maggie_Gyllenhaal

Who Are You Really? Who and What Have You Been Living For?

When you were young, did you live for your parents?

If you live in a Chinese family, like I am, or in a typical Asian family, you might have done so.

Did you listen to your parents and were always busy studying to make sure you score those A's?

Did your parents keep telling how important it is to go to university and you tell yourself you got to make it?

Did you have to do well in studies so that your parents would have enough 'face' to show to your relatives?

Did you have to endure slapping and beating all the way till adulthood and being told you couldn't and shouldn't retaliate because the perpetrator was your mother?

Did you have to be an obedient kid and go home every day to do housework because your mother told you to?

Did you try very hard to please your mother but you always did not get any recognition?

Were you always not good enough for your parents even though you have tried hard and tried many times to improve?

I would answer 'Yes' to all those questions above.

As the elder of two children, I felt I had to do well to improve the living conditions of my family. I learn to do housework, cooking, studies, extra-curriculum activities very well. I sacrificed all the idle time that I had, and even social life. All because I wanted my mother to be proud of me. But my mother couldn't remember that I had contributed to the household at all.

Although I don't feel a strong emotion now, I was very devastated for a time back then. What was I sacrificing for? Who was I doing it for? I was lost for a while. I kept asking myself what was I born for? What is my mission here? Why didn't the universal god just take my life? Why must I suffer for nothing? Why did I have to miss out so much in life just to hear my mother say, "I forget that you have ever helped in the house"?

I read self-help books. I read autobiographies and biographies. I read history. I went from one success seminar to another one, taking down detailed notes of what each speaker had to say about being successful. I wanted to find myself back. After about five or six years, I seemed to know myself better and that was why blog was born. Because I have gone through similar sufferings as many others, I feel I am in a very good position to understand what you are going through. I also introspect myself to see what I'm good at and passionate about. And I'm very happy to tell you I have clarified what I want to do for the rest of my life.

What have you been living for? Have you found the real you?

Feel free to leave your comments.

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Distrust Destroy Guatemala Indigenous Communities

When I was a student in junior college (in some countries you call it the high school or pre-university college), I had to study a subject called "General Paper". It was an English subject that tested us on a broad range of topics from war, politics, economics, social issues, environmental issues, relationships, to arts and culture. It was during the time when we studied about war and conflicts that I became aware about this country called Guatemala and the issue of violence among its people. However, it was just a shallow understanding then. Recently, when surfing the internet looking for information about human behaviour, I came upon another view about the Guatemalan violence and I would like to share with you because it has disturbed me and opened up my mind. I hope it opens yours too.

Before militancy took over their daily lives, the Guatemalan indigenous people have lived as close-knitted communities with strong family relationship and strong kinship with other members of their communities. They trust one another and depend on another for social and economic support. These strong ties form a firm resistance against intruders and is the foundation of their existence.

However, when the military took over the daily lives of the indigenous people, the controls that they instituted broke that all-important trust. The military came up with a civil patrol system where they picked young boys and men to serve as foot soldiers in their communities. Sounds good and harmless right? 

But NO! These males were often implicated as accomplices in the violence and death of their own people when the real perpetrators were the official military. As a result, people within the same community could not trust one another and that fabric that holds them together fall apart. That is why the kind of violence that has happened in Guatemala is different from other kinds of violence. The distrust and suspicions among people have made them turn against one another so that even without much interference from the official military, the communities collapse spontaneously. What is most disheartening to learn is that widowed women and children suffered the most.

In the book "The Rules of Parenting", the author talked about the importance of being open and frank so that trust can be built between parents and children. He said that if you want your children to come to you for guidance, you have to let them trust you and you do that by being open and honest to them. I agree with him completely.

My distrust for my parents has led to the breakdown of relationship between us. If you have read my book, you would have read that after my sister was married, I found that my mother desire to keep more things to herself. When I started to question why she treated me differently from my sister's husband, she decided to avoid answer me and questioned me back about my motive. When I asked her to tell me more about the background and history of my sister's husband, she was also unwilling and said it was not for me to know. In my ebook, I also talked how how my father's lapses in what he promised made it difficult for me to trust him. I found it absurd that why we couldn't be open with one another as family members. I grew more and more distrustful of them and felt no motivation to talk to them. Eventually, this culminated in my leaving them to seek accommodation from my grandfather. 

I have released a lot of my anger against my parents but I haven't yet felt ready that I could trust and depend on them again. I hope our trust will build up again. As for the Guatemalan indigenous people, there are many voluntary organisations on the ground helping them to rebuild their communities once more. I salute them for their effort and pray that their good work pay off soon.

What are your experiences? Feel free to share. Sharing is Healing!

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More Websites:

The Paradoxes of War and Its Aftermath: Mayan Widows in Rural Guatemala
http://www.culturalsurvival.org/ourpublications/csq/article/the-paradoxes-war-and-its-aftermath-mayan-widows-rural-guatemala

Do You Validate Yourself Through Your Parent's Approval?

Quote from Kim Wong Keltner's "Tiger Babies Strike Back":

... now that we're older and a little wiser, we may still never fully feel our parents approval, get the attention we deserve, or achieve pinnacles of success good enough for their specifications ... ... ... ... we can rewrite the scripts for our own lives and become where we want to be

Have you been living your life always wanting to be approved by someone else and that person is your parent?

I have been one. That's why when I read the above quote from Kim's book, I felt so connected with what it was saying.

Since young, I have always wanted to make my mother happy.

I studied hard and scored excellent grades, because it meant a lot to my mother and to me. To my mother, it meant relief as it showed that I was getting a good education and would be able to find a good job in future and support myself adequately in terms of finances. It also meant a lot to me, not only it meant I would find better prospects, it also meant I would be the most highly educated within the family. I graduated with a degree in computer engineering and is the first degree holder in my family.

My mother also cared about survival skills. She taught me and my sister how to sew our school uniforms for minor patches and buttons that were dropped. She also taught us to do housework and to buy ingredients, prepare ingredients, and how to cook. She also cared about our expanding our horizons. She paid for our overseas vacation to Thailand, Hong Kong, China, and the USA. She talked to us about current affairs, ancient Chinese history, western history, literature, economics, and politics. She also left me with a love for music.

However, what was lacking was praises. I kept working harder and harder to score better grades but I hardly receive any praise from my mother. Finally at my university convocation that I invited her to, she had pulled a long black throughout the day and I was so mad. Why was she still not happy with me?

Whenever she commented that the floor was not swept clean enough, or the dishes were not washed cleanly enough, or the ingredients I bought were not fresh enough, or that I did not cook nice enough, I would strive to do better and better next time. I like to be recognised by my mother and I wanted her approval so that she would feel happy. But it was like a race without end.

In my book, I also talked about the two years of financial hardship that followed after my mother's retrenchment from Compaq as an assembly worker. For two years I had to endure the daily reprimand that she hurled at me and the occasional beating as well. I tolerated. Why? I understood that she was going a difficult period and the best I knew that I could was to help out in whatever she wanted me to do. She complained to me that I contributed too little to the family and she really liked my sister's husband who bought her a new microwave oven. So I reminded her how I helped her through those two years after she was retrenched. But she told  me she could not remember anything about it. I was devastated. Two years of hardship for nothing? I wanted her to recognise that I had done something important for her.

Recently, because of my disapproval of my sister's marriage, I fell out with my mother. Subsequently we went into more serious loggerheads. Once, she told me that if my sister needed money to buy a new house, then I had to help her. And if my sister needed financial help to buy milk powder for her kid, I had to help out too. I turned her down. I felt it was too much for me to bear. Those demands were on top of taking care of my parent's retirement as well. Our conflicts were so serious that when I finally asked her for forgiveness, she told me sternly that she would never forgive me. At that point of time, I had already moved out to stay with my grandfather. Later, she relented and told me that if I moved back with her, she would forgive me. 

By this time, I had already felt I had no need to seek her approval for everything. I don't care if she forgive me because I felt I didn't need her to like me. It was also very devastating to know that after giving in to her so much, not only I did not get any goodwill back but she had turned the table against me and claimed that I did not do much.

Finally, after doing a series of emotional cleansing at my mentor Suria Mohd's Soul Detox class, I was finally able to release myself of much of these negative emotions inside me. And now, what do I focus on? As you might have read in the "About Me" section on the right sidebar, I am focusing on making a positive change in the world, focusing on education, health and entrepreneurship. I want to leave a positive legacy behind, both for my family and the rest of the world.

What about you?

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Tired of Feeling Kicked Around?

Do you feel you have been treated badly by your parents? Or by your siblings or relatives? Or worse, do you feel you have been bullied by them? How long have they treated you this way? How do you feel about it? If you still feel frustrated about them, how long has it been this way?

It is okay to feel frustrated and angry, because I have been through the same emotions like you. It wasn't always that I felt I was treated badly by my parents. In fact, my mother did a great job bringing up me and my younger sister. My mother was multi-talented: sewing, cooking, budgeting, traditional chinese medicine, grocery shopping, history, hokkien dialect, teochew dialect and many more. So I learn a lot from her.

However, in the past 7 years, I felt she had come to judge me more and more by numbers: how much allowance I gave to her, how much was the allowance relative to how much our neighbour's son was giving to his parents, how much rental my room was worth, how much products I had bought for her, such as microwave oven, television and computer, and to support my younger sister in buying her first house and her kids when she has children. All these were too much to bear. I was feeling very frustrated and angry that these were the things she was evaluating me on.

There was once I bought a set of health supplements for her to improve her cholesterol level and lower her blood pressure and blood glucose level. After a few days, it didn't work for her and she criticised that I had bought for her things that were not meant for humans but ghosts to eat. 

Even a simple thing such as washing the plates has evolved to be a big issue. If I was washing the dishes, I would be scolded by my mother that I was pretentious and a hypocrite. If I was not washing, I would again be scolded that I was a selfish person that did nothing to contribute to the household. So what could I do?

I have been living miserably with these demands for a long time, and always feeling sad about life. So I began to read many self development books to improve my mindset, attend positives mindset classes. The final one was the Soul Detox class that I went to that helped me realised all the pains I had suppressed within me. I was able to let it all out and till today I am still practising the technique that I have learned in the class for letting go bad memories and emotions and inviting positive emotions to come and stay within me. I also learned about the importance of forgiving and I went to my mother to ask her for forgiveness. It was just too bad that she decided not to forgive me for eternity. I was devastated and I moved out of my parents' residence to stay with my grandfather. And life finally became better!

Many years ago, an ex-colleague of mine shared with me that she helped to support her brother's overseas education at an Australian university. She had to do all the housework while her brother did none. When her brother got married, her parents also help to support all the necessary finances. Even after marriage, her parents continued to support financially while she continued to take care of all the nitty gritty details of managing the household and receive nothing from her parents. Not that she needed their allowance, but she felt unfair about the different ways her parents treated her and her brother.

So, what are your circumstances? If you feel you have been kicked around enough, stand up for yourself and demand to know the reason why. Take charge! If you are not able to talk sense to the other party, maybe it's time for you to change your environment.

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Can The Tiger-Parented Adult Love Their Children Unconditionally?

Are you a tiger-parented adult?

As I was reading Kim Wong Keltner's (http://www.kimwongkeltner.com/) book "Tiger Babies Strike Back", she asked a question similar to this.

Was she assuming that these adults who have lived with tiger parents, especially tiger moms, are incapable of love? Also, are they able to love their children with no strings attached?

The problem with tiger parenting is that parents, especially the mothers, devote a lot of their time to groom their children, and they made children feel indebted to the investment made onto them.

From my own experience, this can lead to parents using guilt and emotional blackmailing to trap their children. I was brought up having absolute obedience to my mother. However, when I have grown up and started to have my own opinions, my mother would start to bring up how much she had invested in my studies, including both time and money, and how she didn't expect that I would go against her will. This made me feel miserable too, because I was brought up for almost twenty years conditioned to please my mother, but when I started to see the world differently from her, I felt bad because I couldn't please her anymore. Like what the author did, I moved out eventually from my parents' residence. I also felt disappointed that I was treated like an investment, being expected to obey her every wish in exchange for the investment she had put in on my upbringing.

Also, love is subjective as well. In western countries, caning children is seen as an unloving act, but in Chinese culture, it is seen as a loving act. So how do you resolve which is the best? It depends on the temperament of the child and also your intention and this is important. Do you cane your child because you are inclined to hurt your child? Or because you love your child and want him or her to learn their lesson fast?

So, can the tiger-parented adult love their children unconditionally? 

Yes. Absolutely! Both authors Amy Chua (amychua.com) and Kim Wong Keltner have done it. Remember the ABC rule.

Awareness: Be aware of whether you expect your child to give you back certain things in exchange for your investment in their development. Do you know if you have given any physical pain and emotional encouragement to your child on a regular basis?

Before: Having had the awareness, assess yourself. If you do attach conditions towards loving your children, have a talk with your inner self to gradually reduce or eventually to eliminate all those conditions. How much physical pain and emotional encouragement do you give? Are they the right mix for your child? If not, how would you adjust it?

Change: Action leads to result. Having done an assessment of how you behave towards your child and the steps to talk to improve it, implement them right now! Waste no time, as the longer a parent-child issue lingers, the worse the relationship can become.

It takes a conscious decision and deliberate effort to improve your relationship with your child, if it is currently not doing well, but you definitely can do it. It's definitely worth it too!

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What is Tiger Parenting?

"Tiger Parenting" is a term coined by author Amy Chua (amychua.com) in her book "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" to describe how she was brought up in a strict manner by her mother, how she benefited from that kind of parenting, and how she applied the same kind of parenting style on her two daughters.

As defined at American Psychological Association (http://www.apadivisions.org/), tiger parenting is a kind of strict parenting that involves both negative and positive parenting. Tiger parents impose strict rules on the day to day habits of a child and expect excellent (not just good) academic achievement. Not only that, tiger parents also resort to shaming when their children do not meet their expectations. However, tiger parents are also warm and supportive in all ways that can help the child to succeed.

Tiger parents are most of the time tiger mothers, who are themselves brought up in a strict manner by their parents. They feel they have benefited from that style of parenting, so they impose the same style of parenting onto their own children.

There are pros and cons using tiger parenting style. The strictness instill discipline in children from a young age. Parents can also drive home the message that one needs to work and study hard in order to have any achievement in life. Such parents also groom children from a young age which their children may very likely be grateful when they have grown up due to the fact that some disciplines such as art, music and dance require practice from a young age.

However, as Chinese like to have 'face', their children's achievements are their score cards to boast to other relatives and friends. Therefore, Chinese parents are very anxious to see that their children are smarter and better than every other child. Due to their anxiety, tiger mothers resort to yelling, slapping, shaming, blaming, and comparison to "encourage" their children to buck up. Depending on the temperament of the children, some can take it while some get discouraged constantly and may lose self-esteem.

In generally, extreme positive parenting or extreme negative parenting is rare. Most parents adopt a parenting style that is in between. The question of what is the right amount of positive parenting and negative parenting to have must depend on the individual child and that is something that you, the parents, know the best. Try different ratios until you find the most supportive one to the development of your child.

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More Parenting Websites:

American Psychological Association's Article on Tiger Parenting
http://www.apadivisions.org/division-7/publications/newsletters/developmental/2013/07/tiger-parenting.aspx

Stanford News: 'Tiger moms' vs. Western-style mothers? Stanford researchers find different but equally effective styles
http://news.stanford.edu/news/2014/may/asian-european-moms-052014.html