The Rules of Parenting - Treating Your Child With Respect

Many books and articles have taught parents how to discipline their children and how to teach their children how to respect people. Many parents also did a lot of searches on the Internet to look for guidance on how to discipline them and teach them about respect.

But in the book "The Rules of Parenting", by Richard Templar, under Attitude section, there is a Rule 14: Treat Your Child With Respect

This is totally different. It's not just about reversing the conventional mindset that many parents have. It is about adding this mindset to your existing set of beliefs and values.

Conventional wisdom or family culture may have inculcated in you that parents are superior and have authority over children and children are to listen to parents whatever the parents say to their children, no matter how unreasonable it is. This is not being respectful as respect should be a quality that comes from the heart, not forced. Respect is about being equal parties. By forcing your will over your children, how do you to expect the so-called respect that is exhibited by your children to be genuine and is made from a comparable position as you?

Holding on to an authoritarian position may be important when children are younger so that by conditioning they know that there are certain limits to doing certain actions that may be detrimental to them or to others. For example, if they mess up a place and do no wish to clean up, parents have the responsibility and the authority to discipline the child to clean up a place. Being authoritarian may even be necessary when the child is being unreasonably rebellious.

But in many daily activities, do parents also fall into the trap of not showing respect to your child?

Back to the time when I was between fifteen and sixteen years old, my mother has been retrenched from a Compaq during the time Singapore was undergoing a major economic restructuring period. She was moving in and out of odd jobs. Money was hard to come back and my parents still had to service mortgage payment while supporting my and my sister's studies. It was a very stressful two years, and every day, my mother would vent her anger, stress and worries on me, beating me sometimes as well when I retaliated. Why did she scold me every day? It's mostly because I left a strand of hair after sweeping the floor or had not cooked as good as my mother.

Instead of showing appreciation of the housework and cooking that I did every day for those two years, I had endless scolding and formulating thoughts of suicide in my head. 

Last August, after a major conflict with my mother, my uncle called me up to continue bashing me. he said, 

"You owe your life to your mum. Without your mum, you wouldn't be here. If she wants you dead, you better listen to her and kill yourself in front of her. If she wants you to jump down from the twelfth floor, you better do it and no question should be asked. Do not retaliate. You should be grateful to your mum for bringing you up. You should be filial, not rebellious and ungrateful."

After telling me such things, I would be shocked if he thought that I would continue to listen to them and show respect to them.

Parents, do you... ... ...?
Treat your child as a channel for you to pour out your sorrows and vent your anger?
Treat your child as an object?
Behave in a way that deserves respect from your child?
Appreciate your child enough?
Recognise the strengths in your child instead of only the flaws?

It's time for a review of your relationship with your child and take action to improve it.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight. Download my book too from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Character Development for Children Today

In a recent "Speech Development and Creative Drama" class that I was enrolled in, a classmate of mine, who was a teacher of a childcare centre, shared her experience about a difficult four-year-old child she had to deal with:

On a particular day, this four-year-old child was particularly uncooperative and refused to join in with the rest of the class to learn a new lesson. She even unfairly told the teacher that "my mum paid you to teach me new things but you are not doing your job!"

Being a very experienced teacher, this classmate of mine has dealt with her in a very professional manner. She told the girl that she had done her job. She was teaching but she would only teach those who were willing to learn. She would not be able to teach those who were not willing to learn. In order to continue the lesson with the rest of the class, she told the girl to do her own activities in a nearby table and also told her that she could tell her mum to write a letter to her, stating clearly that with effective from the next day onwards, the girl needed not come to the centre anymore for lesson. The girl was dumstruck and kept quiet.

I was shocked. I thought my experience with a fourteen-year-old teenage girl a few years ago was already bad. The teenager was my tutee and one day, for whatever reason that I had already forgotten, she made it clear to me, "I paid your salary. Without me, you would lose your job. So you listen to me!" I was shocked then, because she told me she was a devoted Christian and would never miss any weekly service, rain or shine. So, I would never understand how a four-year-old child could even grasp the concept of money, I was still muddleheaded when I was four years ago. Indeed children today are much smarter then those in the past.

But it's disappointing and scary to know that they are smart in the wrong way. Some children today are smart and think that they know everything and disrespect their teachers and other figures of authority. What is worse is money is placed above all else. A child might think that people who had their meals in a high-class restaurant are better than those who have to eat at open-air food centres. A child may also not care about the environment, and care more about whether money can be made than environment degradation and loss of biodiversity.

As academic education progresses, character development has declined. We need to start teaching our kids other important aspects of life.

Appreciation and Respect for All Kinds of People and Professions
No man is an island. Even if you are very capable, you depend on the efforts of others to succeed. Let them live for a month without a maid.

Appreciation and Respect for Environment
Ask your child to hold their breath for as long as possible. Ask them how they feel. If they feel suffocated, ask them this: what do you think you will feel if no trees are left in this world and oxygen level getting lower and lower?

Reiterate Religious Lessons
This point is for religious families. For example, for Christians, do note that there is a difference between going to church and learning the bible and actually applying them in real life. If they are the same, then I wouldn't be unfairly pointed at by my Christian student. Parents, I think you can help a lot in this. Teach them the lessons from the bible. For other religious, I believe you have your scripture. Have regular conversations with your child about lessons to be learnt from the scriptures.

The key is to nurture them to have a big heart. Think Dalai Lama. Think Mahatma Ghandi.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight. Download my book too from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)