Can The Tiger-Parented Adult Love Their Children Unconditionally?

Are you a tiger-parented adult?

As I was reading Kim Wong Keltner's (http://www.kimwongkeltner.com/) book "Tiger Babies Strike Back", she asked a question similar to this.

Was she assuming that these adults who have lived with tiger parents, especially tiger moms, are incapable of love? Also, are they able to love their children with no strings attached?

The problem with tiger parenting is that parents, especially the mothers, devote a lot of their time to groom their children, and they made children feel indebted to the investment made onto them.

From my own experience, this can lead to parents using guilt and emotional blackmailing to trap their children. I was brought up having absolute obedience to my mother. However, when I have grown up and started to have my own opinions, my mother would start to bring up how much she had invested in my studies, including both time and money, and how she didn't expect that I would go against her will. This made me feel miserable too, because I was brought up for almost twenty years conditioned to please my mother, but when I started to see the world differently from her, I felt bad because I couldn't please her anymore. Like what the author did, I moved out eventually from my parents' residence. I also felt disappointed that I was treated like an investment, being expected to obey her every wish in exchange for the investment she had put in on my upbringing.

Also, love is subjective as well. In western countries, caning children is seen as an unloving act, but in Chinese culture, it is seen as a loving act. So how do you resolve which is the best? It depends on the temperament of the child and also your intention and this is important. Do you cane your child because you are inclined to hurt your child? Or because you love your child and want him or her to learn their lesson fast?

So, can the tiger-parented adult love their children unconditionally? 

Yes. Absolutely! Both authors Amy Chua (amychua.com) and Kim Wong Keltner have done it. Remember the ABC rule.

Awareness: Be aware of whether you expect your child to give you back certain things in exchange for your investment in their development. Do you know if you have given any physical pain and emotional encouragement to your child on a regular basis?

Before: Having had the awareness, assess yourself. If you do attach conditions towards loving your children, have a talk with your inner self to gradually reduce or eventually to eliminate all those conditions. How much physical pain and emotional encouragement do you give? Are they the right mix for your child? If not, how would you adjust it?

Change: Action leads to result. Having done an assessment of how you behave towards your child and the steps to talk to improve it, implement them right now! Waste no time, as the longer a parent-child issue lingers, the worse the relationship can become.

It takes a conscious decision and deliberate effort to improve your relationship with your child, if it is currently not doing well, but you definitely can do it. It's definitely worth it too!

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