The Phenomenon of Retail Therapy

Retail therapy is not a medical term. It is a popular term to refer to using shopping as a way to make yourself happy when you go through difficult emotions or events.

Whenever I see posters with the words "Retail Therapy", I just feel like throwing up. I'm wondering, why are there people or organisations who encourage people to spend more money in order to be happy. This is similar to what many countries' top leaders are telling their citizens: when GDP grows, we will struggle less and we will all become happier. But we know: this is just plain fart.

The logic is just plain wrong. Doing shopping to feel happy and relieve stress is akin to smoking and gaming. You will be addicted to it sooner or later and you will find that you haven't solved the root problem. Some people say it works for them. Hopefully it does. But if they are merely denying their problems and their real emotions, I don't think it's the best thing to do. Furthermore, it hurts the wallet. In the worst cases, the sufferers are bogged down in debt and ended up even more miserable.

This made me recall the conversation that author Kim Wong Keltner (http://www.kimwongkeltner.com) wrote in her book, "Tiger Babies Strike Back":

I desperately pressed the button to open the window for some air, but my dad had the child safety mechanism in place.
"I need to open the window!"
"What for?"
"Because I need air."
"I'll just turn on the vent."
"Can you please just press the button that unlocks the back window?"
"Hold on. The vent is on low. Can you feel it?"
"No, can I please just open the window?"
"I'll just turn the vent on medium."
"Please just let me open the window."
"You'll feel the vent any second."
Sweltering and breathing recirculated air, I reverted, once again, to pretending I was dead... ... I embodied the collective soul sickness of adult children in backseats everywhere. There was no escape.
- by Kim Wong Keltner, author of "Tiger Babies Strike Back"

You can clearly feel that the child's root problem is not solved. The root issue is that the child needs fresh air. However, the people around the child ignored her real plea and started throwing her solutions that didn't solve the real issue.

Solving the root problem is the most important thing to do.

Do you know what's your real problem? If you can't figure because you are no longer in a clear state of mind, talk to someone you know and trust. If not, why not find a psychologist and get some counselling and advice?

Or share your problems here in our forum. Simply letting out your problem is a milestone reached for solving the root problem because it is part of acknowledging honestly to yourself that something is wrong and needs to be fix. So sharing is healing. Don't be afraid . I've been through similar pain as you.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight. Download my book too from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Websites:

Why "Retail Therapy" Works
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-why-behind-the-buy/201305/why-retail-therapy-works

Is Retail Therapy Good for You? Why that Shopping Buzz Isn't Worth It
http://addictions.about.com/od/glossar1/fl/Is-Retail-Therapy-Good-for-You.htm

To get Kim's book, visit the More Resources page.

Character Development for Children Today

In a recent "Speech Development and Creative Drama" class that I was enrolled in, a classmate of mine, who was a teacher of a childcare centre, shared her experience about a difficult four-year-old child she had to deal with:

On a particular day, this four-year-old child was particularly uncooperative and refused to join in with the rest of the class to learn a new lesson. She even unfairly told the teacher that "my mum paid you to teach me new things but you are not doing your job!"

Being a very experienced teacher, this classmate of mine has dealt with her in a very professional manner. She told the girl that she had done her job. She was teaching but she would only teach those who were willing to learn. She would not be able to teach those who were not willing to learn. In order to continue the lesson with the rest of the class, she told the girl to do her own activities in a nearby table and also told her that she could tell her mum to write a letter to her, stating clearly that with effective from the next day onwards, the girl needed not come to the centre anymore for lesson. The girl was dumstruck and kept quiet.

I was shocked. I thought my experience with a fourteen-year-old teenage girl a few years ago was already bad. The teenager was my tutee and one day, for whatever reason that I had already forgotten, she made it clear to me, "I paid your salary. Without me, you would lose your job. So you listen to me!" I was shocked then, because she told me she was a devoted Christian and would never miss any weekly service, rain or shine. So, I would never understand how a four-year-old child could even grasp the concept of money, I was still muddleheaded when I was four years ago. Indeed children today are much smarter then those in the past.

But it's disappointing and scary to know that they are smart in the wrong way. Some children today are smart and think that they know everything and disrespect their teachers and other figures of authority. What is worse is money is placed above all else. A child might think that people who had their meals in a high-class restaurant are better than those who have to eat at open-air food centres. A child may also not care about the environment, and care more about whether money can be made than environment degradation and loss of biodiversity.

As academic education progresses, character development has declined. We need to start teaching our kids other important aspects of life.

Appreciation and Respect for All Kinds of People and Professions
No man is an island. Even if you are very capable, you depend on the efforts of others to succeed. Let them live for a month without a maid.

Appreciation and Respect for Environment
Ask your child to hold their breath for as long as possible. Ask them how they feel. If they feel suffocated, ask them this: what do you think you will feel if no trees are left in this world and oxygen level getting lower and lower?

Reiterate Religious Lessons
This point is for religious families. For example, for Christians, do note that there is a difference between going to church and learning the bible and actually applying them in real life. If they are the same, then I wouldn't be unfairly pointed at by my Christian student. Parents, I think you can help a lot in this. Teach them the lessons from the bible. For other religious, I believe you have your scripture. Have regular conversations with your child about lessons to be learnt from the scriptures.

The key is to nurture them to have a big heart. Think Dalai Lama. Think Mahatma Ghandi.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight. Download my book too from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

A Better Way Towards Child-Rearing

11 Positive Words To Tell Your Child

As a tutor for the past ten years, I hear many ugly things that parents say to their children.

"Why are you so stupid?" 
"You are not that stupid, right?"
"You are so lazy!"
"Where are your brains?"

I, as a third party, can feel how ugly the words are. What effects would they have on the child? Read my post "Words Matter! - What We Can Learn From Dr. Masaru Emoto's Water Experiment".

You may want to brush me off and say, "Hey, it's okay! Kids are resilient! Look! They are back at playing again."

But I assure you, for some kids, the scars will be there. For so many years, my mother was always telling that I'm not good in this and I'm not good at that. Like many children, I would forget about that and after a night's rest, I would be fine the next day. But as the years went by, I did come to see myself as not good enough. Coincidentally, I also attracted many people into my life who added no value to me because all they do were to criticise me for being not good for this and that.

There are better ways to raise your child. There are other aspects of raising your child other than increasing his or her intelligence. Here are my suggestions:

Emotional Development

• Use positive words, always!
• Have time to have pure rest and pure leisure. Just to have fun and not to learn things.

Character Development

• Show by example what is meant by compassion, kindness, gratitude, be true to one's word, and personal integrity.
• If your kids are bullied, show they how they can be more assertive without being aggressive.
• Assure your kids it is fine to be unique. They do not always have to follow what their friends are doing or have the things their friends have.

Self Management

• Teach your kids how to organise their time, activities and school work. Restrain yourself from helping to organise because the objective is for your kids not you to learn organisation. This will teach them to be independent.
• Teach your kids methods of learning, such as by writing summary notes, reflection notes, drawing diagrams, creating mnemonics, doing comparisons and contrasts, doing chronological charts, talking and discussing, listening to music, audios and education radio programs, watching education videos, using drama techniques. In this way, they find it easier and more interesting to remember information and will be more motivated to study better.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight. Download my book too from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Websites:

300 Positive Words to Describe Your Children
http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/300-positive-words-to-describe-your-children/

Emergency Landing

You are your most important person in the world!

If you have been attentive when you are onboard a plane, you would have known that in the case of an emergency, you must always put on your oxygen mask before helping others. Even if your child is right beside you, that is something you must adhere to. The reason is simple: you have to make sure you have been taken care of before you can help others. As the saying goes, you can only give what you have. If you can take care of your safety, you are more likely to help others to safety. If you cannot even take care of yourself, who are you to take care of other people's lives?

I really like many of the things that Kim Wong Keltner wrote in her book, "Tiger Babies Strike Back:. She wrote:

A baby bird grows up and eventually leaves the nest. It was simply time for me to spread my wings, and fly away.

Sometimes, when a relationship doesn't work out, the best thing to do is to walk out. Are you facing a bad romantic relationship right now? Or a worsening family issue that strains your relationship with your family members? Or a bad relationship in your workplace? You don't have to feel guilty about it. You should be happy for yourself.

In my previous job as a Senior System Analyst in a healthcare firm, I was expected to be on call twenty fours a day, seven days a week. We had a whatsapp group and every hour, strangely enough, there will be updates. The CTO could be asking for work progress and the manager could be assigning work to individual analyst and following up with work progress. The whatsapp update the last thing to make a sound before I slept and was first sound I would hear when I awoke. During the night while I slept, there were also updates made by the CIO, manager and other analysts who worked on certain projects and bug fixes. Every evening, at about six, the business development people would also come round and ask for urgent work to be done for them in an hour's time. When I fell sick, my manager also whatsapped me to tell me that if I was feeling a bit better, can I work from home? Finally I gave it up. I quitted and found another better job.

Do I feel a sense of regret and guilt? Yes, a bit. Because I was doing quite different stuff from my previous engineering job and I really liked to do healthcare domain. But it was too much of a pressure cooker and my health was adversely affected, having to visit doctor at least once per month. But I really felt so much better now! Sometimes, you just have to decide to walk out and better could be waiting for you. Save yourself first before you can start contributing to other people's lives.

About one and a half years ago, I decided to move out from my parents' house. Too much unhappiness. Why did I have to contribute allowance to my parents alone? Why do I have to take care of my sister's financial well-being after she has a child even though she's already married and has a job? Why would I want to wash plates only to let my mother criticise me for being pretentious? I decided to walk away.

Do I feel a sense of regret and guilt? Yes, a bit. Because in Chinese culture, the elder has to bear all family responsibilities. I was under tremendous pressure to do for others, and put myself last. That's when I saw the whole unfairness of it. When all others have advanced in their lives, whether it's marriage or career, a bell started to ring in me. I must leave as I can no longer deal with so many issues. To day, I'm so much more happy now without the obligations. It isn't that bad after all.

So, are you in a difficult circumstance now and don't know what to do? You may very light need to walk out of it.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight. Download my book too from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

Living on The Expectations of Others

In primary school, I was expected by my teachers to teach my younger sister well, and ensure she did as well as me in her studies.

In my secondary school, because it was a girls' school, all students (including me of course!) were expected to be good in the working world and good in kitchen. This was enshrined in our school motto.

During application of scholarship for university studies, I was expected to showcase how unique I was yet I didn't know I needed to do that. Pretty stupid huh. Of course I did not make it.

Growing up, the government told the nation my country is a place where if you worked hard, you would do well in life.

In my family, as an elder sister, I was expected to take full responsibility for my sister: her safety, her studies, even after some of the financial obligations my sister would have to undertake after her marriage such as housing and children expenses.

After graduation from university and stepping into the corporate world, I was expected to go beyond my job scope, to be smarter and more diligent than all of my peers, so that I could climb the corporate ladder faster.

After earning an income, I was expected to pay monthly rental for my room in my parents' house, I was expected to give a stipulated a amount of allowance to each of my parents, not meeting which would result in me being labelled as unfilial.

During a heated family argument, my uncle expected me to let me be scolded by my mother; he also expected me to allow myself to be killed if my mother wanted to kill me. In other words, he expected me to have complete obedience to my mother.

I found some of these expectations were not so bad for self-development but many were unfair.

Think about your life. Are you here on earth living on your own terms or living to meet the expectations of others? If you are, STOP doing it for a moment. You really have got to re-examine your way of life. Some of the expectations of us are good for our self development but many others has not much real value. 

So choose the way to want to leave.

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Follow The Usual Path or Follow Your Dream?

This is a question as old as the universe. (Well, not that old but it's old)

Have you pursued a degree just because all the people around you expected you to take up? Like studying for medicine, law or architecture? But in the end, you found it wasn't what you wanted and you felt really empty inside you?

Or, like me, perhaps you have studied for a subject you really like but found that the work that the society has for you is not that stimulating after all? 

Then, just like me, you want to strike out on your own. You want to do something you are good at or are passionate about. You find that it is time to do so because you realise there isn't much point working all your life making the company your work for becoming richer. Maybe, like me, you want to live a more purposeful life. You want a more flexible work schedule. You want to leave a legacy behind.

If you have the aptitude, good for you, because you will most likely succeed. However, for the rest of us ordinary people, you must have been warned by your loved ones that it's too risky.  

I am going to tell you the truth. Yes, they are right. But that doesn't mean it should stop you from pursuing your passion, your dream. Although we see many businesses succeeding, the truth is that a lot more do fail. Out of 10 businesses, only 1 may eventually succeed. You have a 90 percent chance of failure, so to say.

Trust me. I've been through it. When I stopped myself from pursuing my passion and asked myself to concentrate just on my day job, I found terribly empty. When I quitted my job to pursue my passion, I found I couldn't sustain myself and had to go back to the job market to look for a job.

So what's my answer to you?

Keep your job and start a sideline pursuing your passion, until you are able to replace what you are earning at your day job with what you earn in your sideline. Follow both the conventional path and your dream at the same time. But not for too long. Always find ways to automate your business so that you can scale up your sideline without you becoming more busy. And now, you can step back more and focus even more on areas that you truly care about. For me, it has always been access to good education and healthcare for the less privileged people in the world.

What's your decision?

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Time To Define Yourself

You go through the motions of living.
You go through the busyness of life.
You work hard to climb the levels of education.
You take part in all sorts of after-school activities to make sure you are ahead of others.
You graduate from a good university.
You then work hard to climb up the ladders in the corporate world.
You then start a family and ask your children to do the same.
Your children grow up and you retire.
And you wonder what you have given your life to.

If you truly go through all of it only because you are interested in it, good for you.

But if you go through all of it to impress your parents, to get their approvals, impress your bosses and shareholders, impress your friends and relatives, what's the point?

At the end of the day, what do you really gain? What true value can you bring with you to the grave?

After working so hard, in studies and in work, I finally stopped myself in the frenzy of it. I feel so empty inside and begin searching for answers three years ago. I kept asking myself what my life is for, what is my purpose here and what can I leave behind so that my trip on earth is worthwhile?

It took me three years to figure out. But it's definitely worthwhile. I know why I jump out of bed everyday. I really and truly wants to build develop myself in the education, healthcare and entrepreneurship fields. And I'm doing step by step, one day by one day, and I know I will eventually reach there. Now this truly feels like it's me!

Now the important question is: Have you figure out who you really are and what you are here on earth for?

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Who Are You Really? Who and What Have You Been Living For?

When you were young, did you live for your parents?

If you live in a Chinese family, like I am, or in a typical Asian family, you might have done so.

Did you listen to your parents and were always busy studying to make sure you score those A's?

Did your parents keep telling how important it is to go to university and you tell yourself you got to make it?

Did you have to do well in studies so that your parents would have enough 'face' to show to your relatives?

Did you have to endure slapping and beating all the way till adulthood and being told you couldn't and shouldn't retaliate because the perpetrator was your mother?

Did you have to be an obedient kid and go home every day to do housework because your mother told you to?

Did you try very hard to please your mother but you always did not get any recognition?

Were you always not good enough for your parents even though you have tried hard and tried many times to improve?

I would answer 'Yes' to all those questions above.

As the elder of two children, I felt I had to do well to improve the living conditions of my family. I learn to do housework, cooking, studies, extra-curriculum activities very well. I sacrificed all the idle time that I had, and even social life. All because I wanted my mother to be proud of me. But my mother couldn't remember that I had contributed to the household at all.

Although I don't feel a strong emotion now, I was very devastated for a time back then. What was I sacrificing for? Who was I doing it for? I was lost for a while. I kept asking myself what was I born for? What is my mission here? Why didn't the universal god just take my life? Why must I suffer for nothing? Why did I have to miss out so much in life just to hear my mother say, "I forget that you have ever helped in the house"?

I read self-help books. I read autobiographies and biographies. I read history. I went from one success seminar to another one, taking down detailed notes of what each speaker had to say about being successful. I wanted to find myself back. After about five or six years, I seemed to know myself better and that was why blog was born. Because I have gone through similar sufferings as many others, I feel I am in a very good position to understand what you are going through. I also introspect myself to see what I'm good at and passionate about. And I'm very happy to tell you I have clarified what I want to do for the rest of my life.

What have you been living for? Have you found the real you?

Feel free to leave your comments.

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Emotional Rescue

Has our society truly progressed?

Why is it that even when our society has made tremendous progress in terms of economy, technology and material objects, more and more people face emotional and social issues?

There maybe three reasons why we shun emotional problems:

1. It's an embarrassing subject. Too much of a taboo.

Yes, talking about emotions may be seen as weak. But not talking about it and suppressing it is just removing the symptoms without solving the root problem.

2. Positivity is superior. Negativity is to be swept under the carpet.

Advertisements, and social media updates tend to portray people as positive and successful. Nothing wrong with that. We should encourage people to be upbeat about life.

But when it comes to negative emotions, we tend to sweep aside and dare not face it. Or we suppress and say that we forget about it. Why? Is it too painful? Or is it  a sign of embarrassment and weakness? If we are unable to face our negative emotions, how can we ever be able to let go since we need to be aware of your negative emotions before we can release them?

3. Emotions are secondary to our lives.

What's the point of talking about emotions? The most important thing in your life should be a list of achievements and possessions that you have. If you have all those things, you will be happy. Do you still believe in this?

Why are people living in some of the most developed and progressive societies less happy? Look at America, Singapore and some parts of China? In China, there is even less concerned about human lives. Think about the harmful products that have been produced: poisoned milk powder, waxed apples, poisoned toys, fake meat. Lack of compassionate emotions must have led people to conduct these immoral businesses.

Stress, competition, less social support due to fragmented family structure, financial problems due to poor money management (this again may be due to the emotions of handling money is not developed well enough) or poor income due to nature of job or lack of qualifications or opportunities, and society's emphasis on achievements and possessions and neglect on the emotional well-being of an individual are some reasons why we have all backtracked on our emotional management. This has also led us to neglect the elders and the underprivileged in our society.

What we need is emotional rescue ... ... Chinese thinking is very practical. No one asks you questions about your emotions. Or if they do, it's very direct, and impatient like, "What do you have to be sad about?" ... "Why you need to talk?"

- Kim Wong Keltner, Author of "Tiger Babies Strike Back"

I believe we need to look into emotional and social issues. Everything in this universe is made up of vibrations, basically. As more emotional and social problems surfaced, more negative vibrations are sent into this world, and will affect everyone else. This is not just speculation. It has been shown in quantum physics that everything consists of vibrations and these vibrations interact and affect one another. If we do not resolve these issues, we will send more negative vibrations into our world and made this world a less desirable place for everyone.

That is why this blog is created. I have lived through many negative words that people gave me, including my mother. I have lived through very negative emotions, such as feeling worthless, useless and even wanted to commit suicide. And how did I live through all that?

I am grateful that there are so many inspiring individuals in the public. I read their quotes and books and my spirits would always be uplifted. Now I want to make the same difference to your life that these people had on me. 

How can I help you? Feel free to leave your comments. Sharing is healing!

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight.)

More Websites:

China’s Top Fake Foods
http://iombie.com/chinas-top-fake-foods/

10 Bizarre Food Scams That Could Only Happen In China
http://listverse.com/2015/03/15/10-bizarre-food-scams-that-could-only-happen-in-china/

Suicide rates doubled for children of 5-14 years old over the past 20 years!   Research by James W. Prescott, Ph.D.
http://www.antidepressantsfacts.com/2004-09-22-suicide-rates-doubled-5-14.htm

Male Vietnamese suicides triple rate of females in Vietnam: WHO
http://www.thanhniennews.com/society/male-vietnamese-suicides-triple-rate-of-females-in-vietnam-who-30750.html

Youth at Risk: Suicidal Thoughts and Attempts in Vietnam, China, and Taiwan
http://www.researchgate.net/publication/221838444_Youth_at_Risk_Suicidal_Thoughts_and_Attempts_in_Vietnam_China_and_Taiwan

Distrust Destroy Guatemala Indigenous Communities

When I was a student in junior college (in some countries you call it the high school or pre-university college), I had to study a subject called "General Paper". It was an English subject that tested us on a broad range of topics from war, politics, economics, social issues, environmental issues, relationships, to arts and culture. It was during the time when we studied about war and conflicts that I became aware about this country called Guatemala and the issue of violence among its people. However, it was just a shallow understanding then. Recently, when surfing the internet looking for information about human behaviour, I came upon another view about the Guatemalan violence and I would like to share with you because it has disturbed me and opened up my mind. I hope it opens yours too.

Before militancy took over their daily lives, the Guatemalan indigenous people have lived as close-knitted communities with strong family relationship and strong kinship with other members of their communities. They trust one another and depend on another for social and economic support. These strong ties form a firm resistance against intruders and is the foundation of their existence.

However, when the military took over the daily lives of the indigenous people, the controls that they instituted broke that all-important trust. The military came up with a civil patrol system where they picked young boys and men to serve as foot soldiers in their communities. Sounds good and harmless right? 

But NO! These males were often implicated as accomplices in the violence and death of their own people when the real perpetrators were the official military. As a result, people within the same community could not trust one another and that fabric that holds them together fall apart. That is why the kind of violence that has happened in Guatemala is different from other kinds of violence. The distrust and suspicions among people have made them turn against one another so that even without much interference from the official military, the communities collapse spontaneously. What is most disheartening to learn is that widowed women and children suffered the most.

In the book "The Rules of Parenting", the author talked about the importance of being open and frank so that trust can be built between parents and children. He said that if you want your children to come to you for guidance, you have to let them trust you and you do that by being open and honest to them. I agree with him completely.

My distrust for my parents has led to the breakdown of relationship between us. If you have read my book, you would have read that after my sister was married, I found that my mother desire to keep more things to herself. When I started to question why she treated me differently from my sister's husband, she decided to avoid answer me and questioned me back about my motive. When I asked her to tell me more about the background and history of my sister's husband, she was also unwilling and said it was not for me to know. In my ebook, I also talked how how my father's lapses in what he promised made it difficult for me to trust him. I found it absurd that why we couldn't be open with one another as family members. I grew more and more distrustful of them and felt no motivation to talk to them. Eventually, this culminated in my leaving them to seek accommodation from my grandfather. 

I have released a lot of my anger against my parents but I haven't yet felt ready that I could trust and depend on them again. I hope our trust will build up again. As for the Guatemalan indigenous people, there are many voluntary organisations on the ground helping them to rebuild their communities once more. I salute them for their effort and pray that their good work pay off soon.

What are your experiences? Feel free to share. Sharing is Healing!

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight.)

More Websites:

The Paradoxes of War and Its Aftermath: Mayan Widows in Rural Guatemala
http://www.culturalsurvival.org/ourpublications/csq/article/the-paradoxes-war-and-its-aftermath-mayan-widows-rural-guatemala

Words Matter! - What We Can Learn From Dr. Masaru Emoto's Water Experiment

In the 1990s,  Dr. Masaru Emoto, a doctor of Alternative Medicine, from Japan, did a series of water crystal experiments.

He learned how to capture the images of water crystals formed by frozen water, and began to use his technique on many different types of water.

He found that tap water did not form any crystal. Instead, he found that water from natural sources such as waterfalls and rivers always formed beautiful crystals.

He then began to show words to water. When he showed positive words like "Love", "Gratitude", "Eternal", "Thank you", "Truth", "Harmony", and "Angel", beautiful, exquisite water crystals were observed. However, when he showed negative words such as "Evil", "Fool", and "You disgust me", the crystals formed were ugly.

He also exposed water to prayers. In all cases, the crystals formed were all elaborately intricate.

He also used music. Loud irritating music such as heavy metal music did not yield beautiful crystals. But pleasant music such as classical music, church songs and folk songs produced very nice crystals; some even exhibit intricate patterns.

Many people who were sick came to him for help when traditional medicine failed. They were cured, and many traditional doctors could not believe that water can cure patients. This is yet another miracle of the world.

This experiment showed us that the words we uttered have life forces, strong enough to alter the state of water. If water crystals can be deformed just by exposing them to negative words, what will happen to our children when we criticise and yell at them? Not only for a while but throughout their lives?

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More Information:

Dr. Masaru Emoto's Official Website
http://www.masaru-emoto.net/english/water-crystal.html

Words Matter! - Lesson from the Curse of the Solomon Islands

Solomon Islands is a sovereign country consisting of a group of a hundred over of small islands located to the east of Papua New Guinea and Australia in the southern part of the Pacific Ocean. It is said the indigenous people who live on the islands live far from civilisation. They do not have powerful modern tools like chainsaws to cut down big trees. They only have primitive tools like an ax. When there is a huge tree that needs to be felled, primitive tools are inadequate. 

So what do they do?

The indigenous people will gather around the tree that they want to fell every morning. They curse at the tree, yell at it and hurl all kinds of negative words at using very negative energy. They do this for 30 days. Slowly, the tree starts to rot from the inside and finally on the last day, the tree fell down by itself. 

I first knew about the Solomon Islands when I watched the award-winning Hindi film, "Taare Zameen Par" (Like Stars On Earth: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nbkMDS7y1I8). And I felt an immediate impact the story had on me as soon as I heard it. 

Words are double-edged swords. Words can inspire. Words can uplift spirits. But words can hurt too. Have you ever felt so happy after someone said something positive about you and you felt you could do anything in the world? And have you ever felt so lousy about yourself that you thought you should just die and disappear from this world?

I have my share of those moments. Since young, I have been exposed to these words for many years:

"You are useless!"
"You are good-for-nothing!"
"Why are you so stupid?!"
"Why can't you even do a small thing right? How can I expect you to do big things in future?!"
"Did you eat shit to grow up?!"
"Asshole!"
"Go and die!"
"You are better off dead than living!"

And many more.

Many people think and say you will eventually grow out of all these negativities. I thought the same, but I was just lying to myself. After I have begun working and started to be independent, I found that I was a very unhappy person. I thought very lowly of myself. I had no confidence. I may look happy and confidence on the outside but that's just because I told myself to put up a facade. It was only recently I became aware of these issues within me after I went for my mentor Suria Mohd's Soul Detox class. I am much more happy now as I am more aware of my emotions and how to manage it.

Have you had similar experiences?

Let's make an effort to use positive words 100% of the time! Let's make this world a better place for ourselves and our next generation.

(Get my full book from Amazon, or get your first chapter free by providing me with your name and email at the side box. Please download my book to get the link to find out more information about Soul Detox.If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight.)

More Websites:

Do trees die of cursing in Solomon Islands?
http://skeptics.stackexchange.com/questions/23231/do-trees-die-of-cursing-in-solomon-islands

Blessings and Curses
http://www.tparents.org/moon-talks/hyungjinmoon/HyungJinMoon-071013.htm

An Island where trees are not cut but cursed.
http://snoopymind.com/trees-are-brought-down-by-curse-magic-in-solomon-islands/

Is it true that people of Solomon island curse the trees if they want to clear the trees?
http://www.answers.com/Q/Is_it_true_that_people_of_Solomon_island_curse_the_trees_if_they_want_to_clear_the_trees

Do You Validate Yourself Through Your Parent's Approval?

Quote from Kim Wong Keltner's "Tiger Babies Strike Back":

... now that we're older and a little wiser, we may still never fully feel our parents approval, get the attention we deserve, or achieve pinnacles of success good enough for their specifications ... ... ... ... we can rewrite the scripts for our own lives and become where we want to be

Have you been living your life always wanting to be approved by someone else and that person is your parent?

I have been one. That's why when I read the above quote from Kim's book, I felt so connected with what it was saying.

Since young, I have always wanted to make my mother happy.

I studied hard and scored excellent grades, because it meant a lot to my mother and to me. To my mother, it meant relief as it showed that I was getting a good education and would be able to find a good job in future and support myself adequately in terms of finances. It also meant a lot to me, not only it meant I would find better prospects, it also meant I would be the most highly educated within the family. I graduated with a degree in computer engineering and is the first degree holder in my family.

My mother also cared about survival skills. She taught me and my sister how to sew our school uniforms for minor patches and buttons that were dropped. She also taught us to do housework and to buy ingredients, prepare ingredients, and how to cook. She also cared about our expanding our horizons. She paid for our overseas vacation to Thailand, Hong Kong, China, and the USA. She talked to us about current affairs, ancient Chinese history, western history, literature, economics, and politics. She also left me with a love for music.

However, what was lacking was praises. I kept working harder and harder to score better grades but I hardly receive any praise from my mother. Finally at my university convocation that I invited her to, she had pulled a long black throughout the day and I was so mad. Why was she still not happy with me?

Whenever she commented that the floor was not swept clean enough, or the dishes were not washed cleanly enough, or the ingredients I bought were not fresh enough, or that I did not cook nice enough, I would strive to do better and better next time. I like to be recognised by my mother and I wanted her approval so that she would feel happy. But it was like a race without end.

In my book, I also talked about the two years of financial hardship that followed after my mother's retrenchment from Compaq as an assembly worker. For two years I had to endure the daily reprimand that she hurled at me and the occasional beating as well. I tolerated. Why? I understood that she was going a difficult period and the best I knew that I could was to help out in whatever she wanted me to do. She complained to me that I contributed too little to the family and she really liked my sister's husband who bought her a new microwave oven. So I reminded her how I helped her through those two years after she was retrenched. But she told  me she could not remember anything about it. I was devastated. Two years of hardship for nothing? I wanted her to recognise that I had done something important for her.

Recently, because of my disapproval of my sister's marriage, I fell out with my mother. Subsequently we went into more serious loggerheads. Once, she told me that if my sister needed money to buy a new house, then I had to help her. And if my sister needed financial help to buy milk powder for her kid, I had to help out too. I turned her down. I felt it was too much for me to bear. Those demands were on top of taking care of my parent's retirement as well. Our conflicts were so serious that when I finally asked her for forgiveness, she told me sternly that she would never forgive me. At that point of time, I had already moved out to stay with my grandfather. Later, she relented and told me that if I moved back with her, she would forgive me. 

By this time, I had already felt I had no need to seek her approval for everything. I don't care if she forgive me because I felt I didn't need her to like me. It was also very devastating to know that after giving in to her so much, not only I did not get any goodwill back but she had turned the table against me and claimed that I did not do much.

Finally, after doing a series of emotional cleansing at my mentor Suria Mohd's Soul Detox class, I was finally able to release myself of much of these negative emotions inside me. And now, what do I focus on? As you might have read in the "About Me" section on the right sidebar, I am focusing on making a positive change in the world, focusing on education, health and entrepreneurship. I want to leave a positive legacy behind, both for my family and the rest of the world.

What about you?

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Tired of Feeling Kicked Around?

Do you feel you have been treated badly by your parents? Or by your siblings or relatives? Or worse, do you feel you have been bullied by them? How long have they treated you this way? How do you feel about it? If you still feel frustrated about them, how long has it been this way?

It is okay to feel frustrated and angry, because I have been through the same emotions like you. It wasn't always that I felt I was treated badly by my parents. In fact, my mother did a great job bringing up me and my younger sister. My mother was multi-talented: sewing, cooking, budgeting, traditional chinese medicine, grocery shopping, history, hokkien dialect, teochew dialect and many more. So I learn a lot from her.

However, in the past 7 years, I felt she had come to judge me more and more by numbers: how much allowance I gave to her, how much was the allowance relative to how much our neighbour's son was giving to his parents, how much rental my room was worth, how much products I had bought for her, such as microwave oven, television and computer, and to support my younger sister in buying her first house and her kids when she has children. All these were too much to bear. I was feeling very frustrated and angry that these were the things she was evaluating me on.

There was once I bought a set of health supplements for her to improve her cholesterol level and lower her blood pressure and blood glucose level. After a few days, it didn't work for her and she criticised that I had bought for her things that were not meant for humans but ghosts to eat. 

Even a simple thing such as washing the plates has evolved to be a big issue. If I was washing the dishes, I would be scolded by my mother that I was pretentious and a hypocrite. If I was not washing, I would again be scolded that I was a selfish person that did nothing to contribute to the household. So what could I do?

I have been living miserably with these demands for a long time, and always feeling sad about life. So I began to read many self development books to improve my mindset, attend positives mindset classes. The final one was the Soul Detox class that I went to that helped me realised all the pains I had suppressed within me. I was able to let it all out and till today I am still practising the technique that I have learned in the class for letting go bad memories and emotions and inviting positive emotions to come and stay within me. I also learned about the importance of forgiving and I went to my mother to ask her for forgiveness. It was just too bad that she decided not to forgive me for eternity. I was devastated and I moved out of my parents' residence to stay with my grandfather. And life finally became better!

Many years ago, an ex-colleague of mine shared with me that she helped to support her brother's overseas education at an Australian university. She had to do all the housework while her brother did none. When her brother got married, her parents also help to support all the necessary finances. Even after marriage, her parents continued to support financially while she continued to take care of all the nitty gritty details of managing the household and receive nothing from her parents. Not that she needed their allowance, but she felt unfair about the different ways her parents treated her and her brother.

So, what are your circumstances? If you feel you have been kicked around enough, stand up for yourself and demand to know the reason why. Take charge! If you are not able to talk sense to the other party, maybe it's time for you to change your environment.

(Get my full book from Amazon, or get your first chapter free by providing me with your name and email at the side box. Please download my book to get the link to find out more information about Soul Detox.If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight.)

Can The Tiger-Parented Adult Love Their Children Unconditionally?

Are you a tiger-parented adult?

As I was reading Kim Wong Keltner's (http://www.kimwongkeltner.com/) book "Tiger Babies Strike Back", she asked a question similar to this.

Was she assuming that these adults who have lived with tiger parents, especially tiger moms, are incapable of love? Also, are they able to love their children with no strings attached?

The problem with tiger parenting is that parents, especially the mothers, devote a lot of their time to groom their children, and they made children feel indebted to the investment made onto them.

From my own experience, this can lead to parents using guilt and emotional blackmailing to trap their children. I was brought up having absolute obedience to my mother. However, when I have grown up and started to have my own opinions, my mother would start to bring up how much she had invested in my studies, including both time and money, and how she didn't expect that I would go against her will. This made me feel miserable too, because I was brought up for almost twenty years conditioned to please my mother, but when I started to see the world differently from her, I felt bad because I couldn't please her anymore. Like what the author did, I moved out eventually from my parents' residence. I also felt disappointed that I was treated like an investment, being expected to obey her every wish in exchange for the investment she had put in on my upbringing.

Also, love is subjective as well. In western countries, caning children is seen as an unloving act, but in Chinese culture, it is seen as a loving act. So how do you resolve which is the best? It depends on the temperament of the child and also your intention and this is important. Do you cane your child because you are inclined to hurt your child? Or because you love your child and want him or her to learn their lesson fast?

So, can the tiger-parented adult love their children unconditionally? 

Yes. Absolutely! Both authors Amy Chua (amychua.com) and Kim Wong Keltner have done it. Remember the ABC rule.

Awareness: Be aware of whether you expect your child to give you back certain things in exchange for your investment in their development. Do you know if you have given any physical pain and emotional encouragement to your child on a regular basis?

Before: Having had the awareness, assess yourself. If you do attach conditions towards loving your children, have a talk with your inner self to gradually reduce or eventually to eliminate all those conditions. How much physical pain and emotional encouragement do you give? Are they the right mix for your child? If not, how would you adjust it?

Change: Action leads to result. Having done an assessment of how you behave towards your child and the steps to talk to improve it, implement them right now! Waste no time, as the longer a parent-child issue lingers, the worse the relationship can become.

It takes a conscious decision and deliberate effort to improve your relationship with your child, if it is currently not doing well, but you definitely can do it. It's definitely worth it too!

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What is Tiger Parenting?

"Tiger Parenting" is a term coined by author Amy Chua (amychua.com) in her book "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" to describe how she was brought up in a strict manner by her mother, how she benefited from that kind of parenting, and how she applied the same kind of parenting style on her two daughters.

As defined at American Psychological Association (http://www.apadivisions.org/), tiger parenting is a kind of strict parenting that involves both negative and positive parenting. Tiger parents impose strict rules on the day to day habits of a child and expect excellent (not just good) academic achievement. Not only that, tiger parents also resort to shaming when their children do not meet their expectations. However, tiger parents are also warm and supportive in all ways that can help the child to succeed.

Tiger parents are most of the time tiger mothers, who are themselves brought up in a strict manner by their parents. They feel they have benefited from that style of parenting, so they impose the same style of parenting onto their own children.

There are pros and cons using tiger parenting style. The strictness instill discipline in children from a young age. Parents can also drive home the message that one needs to work and study hard in order to have any achievement in life. Such parents also groom children from a young age which their children may very likely be grateful when they have grown up due to the fact that some disciplines such as art, music and dance require practice from a young age.

However, as Chinese like to have 'face', their children's achievements are their score cards to boast to other relatives and friends. Therefore, Chinese parents are very anxious to see that their children are smarter and better than every other child. Due to their anxiety, tiger mothers resort to yelling, slapping, shaming, blaming, and comparison to "encourage" their children to buck up. Depending on the temperament of the children, some can take it while some get discouraged constantly and may lose self-esteem.

In generally, extreme positive parenting or extreme negative parenting is rare. Most parents adopt a parenting style that is in between. The question of what is the right amount of positive parenting and negative parenting to have must depend on the individual child and that is something that you, the parents, know the best. Try different ratios until you find the most supportive one to the development of your child.

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More Parenting Websites:

American Psychological Association's Article on Tiger Parenting
http://www.apadivisions.org/division-7/publications/newsletters/developmental/2013/07/tiger-parenting.aspx

Stanford News: 'Tiger moms' vs. Western-style mothers? Stanford researchers find different but equally effective styles
http://news.stanford.edu/news/2014/may/asian-european-moms-052014.html