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	Title: Mum, You Broke My Heart! Author: Sharon Lin ISBN: 978-981-09-6917-2 Format: Ebook Published: 2015 What it is about: A personal reflection on family relationship Get Your Copy Now from Amazon! (Currently available in all Amazon markets including UK, France, Germany, India, except USA)

Asian Parenting vs Western Parenting

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Singapore is an Asian society with a Western outlook.

Increasingly, the upbringing of kids here follows the western way. Some parents still look to caning as a way of discipling their children, many young parents are resorting to reasoning with their children when dealing with their disciplinary issues.

I want to write about what happens in my Traditional Asian Chinese family versus what goes on in other families who adopt the Westernised parenting approach.

In my Asian Chinese family...

Filial piety is of the utmost importance. 

In my family, this means absolute obedience to what my parents say. You can never say No to them because saying No means being disrespectful to them. There is no room for open discussion and reasoning when there is a difference in thought between the parents and children. Parents do not have to give a reason to their children in order to cane them. It is always assumed that parents know things better and kids better listen to them or they will regret their whole lives.

In Asian families, parents sacrifice a lot, financial, mentally and emotionally, in order to push their children to achieve the greatest that they can. This, in itself, is not a wrong thing to do and in face, it looks very noble of them to do so. However, there's a catch. You must repay all that your parents gave to you. You owe your parents the hard work that they put in to raise you. You are forever indebted to them. Even when you become an adult, you are not allowed to have your own ideas and still must continue to obey all that they dictate to you. Any form of disobedience is unfilial.

In my family, my parents and relatives even take it to the extreme. I even owe my life to my parents. My uncle was explaining to me some time last year that if my mother wants to beat me or kill me, I must not run away. I must stay put and let myself be beaten or killed by her.

You see, it's not weird that he thinks this way because our parents owned our lives and we owe our lives to our parents.

So, I have disobeyed my mother and an labelled an "unfilial" child. When she asked me to jumped off the windows of our kitchen, I didn't do it. When I run away from home and now lives in a rented room outside, I receive threats from my uncle who told me that children are supposed to live with their parents and not stay alone by themselves outside the family. What I did is seriously unfilial, so unfilial that my uncle threatened to put me in jail should I continue to live outside.

However, they did give me one survival route. That is, if I give my parents $1 million, they will stop all their threats and will give me the freedom that I want and that is what makes me tick every morning, every night, and virtually every waking moment. I wanted to have my ideas and freedom more than any other in the world! So be it, I'm an unfilial kid.

I don't have a good opinion of holding on to filial piety after going through all the unhappiness associated with it.

See my previous post: Who Is The One With The Real Issue? Who Actually Has Fault?

Parents want to have "face".

That's why there are Tiger Moms. Parents want to brag about their children's achievements during Chinese New Year gatherings. By itself, there's nothing wrong. What can be wrong with wanting our next generation to become better their parents' generation? I was happy that in a Chinese family, if I want to learn something, my mother supports me without question.

But, as I grew up, I think parents should take the positive approach to achievement rather than the negative. For my mother, she would always compare me to others and tell me how much better others were compared to me. For example, she always talk about how our neighbour's son gave their parents so much allowance each month.

I don't like the way she did the comparison without realising our situation was different from theirs.

Taking this positively, she might want me to become a better person. But somehow, I felt it was more of she wanting to have more "face" in front of others. She wants to feel more superior than others.

This is another concept, apart from filial piety, that I don't really like to talk about at all. It didn't work for me and has made me feel utterly adequate of forever not meeting what my mother wants.

Strict adherence to family rank.

Parents have the ultimate say in their children's lives, even when they are adults (which I mean over 21 years old). Children will always be ranked below their parents and have no say in their lives.

I have been tutoring for over 10 years. I find it quite amusing in so many families that the parents always have to ask their children for permission to clean up their rooms or throw away their rubbish or what they would like to eat for dinner and lunch.

In my family, I was expected to eat anything that my mother cooked or bought. I was expected to praise that all the dishes that my mother cook were perfectly done. There was once I honestly told my mother that a dish was not nice and she flared up, scolding me for not being grateful to her and said that if I'm so good in my cooking skills, I could cook next time.

Many times, my mother just cleaned up my room and she would throw away my things without asking me, telling me later that I should thank her for keeping my room free of clutter. She had thrown away things that I wanted to keep and I still had to thank her.

You see, in her view, she was doing a great deed for her children by labouring to clean up the room and throwing out what she thought was unnecessary stuff. It didn't matter if the stuff are still important to the children. The fact is as a parent she had laboured hard and the children shouldn't and mustn't complain at all. Children have to no say in things.

In Western families...

I don't have the chance of seeing how a western family works. But from the many articles I read about, it seems that the following generally holds true:

• Westerners favour love for parents rather than being nice to parents as a form of indebtedness.
• Westerners tend to reason with their children allowing two-way communication and mutual understanding instead of demanding the children to do things according to the parents' wishes without letting know the reasons.
• Westerners tend to treat children as equal, especially after they turn 18. Children can talk to their parents as equal and can have their own mind and express their own opinion.

At the end of the day, I feel there are advantages and disadvantages from both Asian and Western parenting methods. There are great men and women raised up from both cultures.

I think it is to your advantage if you can merge both the Asian and Western ways of parenting 

Who Is The One With The Real Issue? Who Actually Has Fault?

Recently, the worst thing that has ever happened in my life was played out on me. I crossed path with the police and the mental institute. All because of the worst man I have ever seen in my life: my own father.

A few weeks ago, my father sent an SMS to me, informing that my mother was about to throw all my books away. I met with my father personally to find out more details. At the end of the meetup, I told him to go back and save my books.

Never would I have expected that he went back home and initiated the greatest argument with my mother. My mother went into the kitchen and brought out a kitchen knife with her, threatening to either kill herself or my father.

After my mother was arrested by the police and placed into policy custody, my father then sent an SMS to inform me what had happened and told me he didn't think he was wrong and blamed my mother. I asked him why he did such a thing. "You said I didn't have the guts so I wanted to show you that I gave the guts to save your books!". Simpleton. Period.

So I went berserk upon hearing ridiculous news and that's how I landed up with the police.

This is not the first time my father did this kind of stupid thing.

My Father:

Quarrels and arguments almost every day since I was 5 years old, about money, about how he didn't care about her or us, my sister and me.

When I was about 5 or 6 years old, my mother would ask me to go and ask my father to bring home salary. From what my mother told me, my father was working for his brother and he didn't dare to ask for a salary.

He simply told me, "If you don't do well enough, you can go to polytechnic. It's just another three years anyway. If not, go to ITE. Then if you still cannot go into ITE, learn driving and drive taxi for a living just like me."

When the light bulbs went faulty, we had to ask him over and over again over several days before he would remember to change them. Gradually, my sister and I or my mother would change the light bulb ourselves and never wanted to ask him again.

For the past 20 years, he had never brought the family out for meals or gathering.

There were two things I am still extremely angry with him till this day. One happened after my A levels examinations. I was worrying whether I could do well enough to get into a local university. I told my father about my worries. He simply told me, "If you don't do well enough, you can go to polytechnic. It's just another three years anyway. If not, go to ITE. Then if you still cannot go into ITE, learn driving and drive taxi for a living just like me." ITE stands for Institute of Technical Education, a post-secondary vocational school for students who are less academically and more adept with hands-on work.

Fortunately, I did well to go into a local university. There was once I asked my father to fetch me back home with a lot of my belongings because I needed to vacate my hostel soon as the term would soon end. He missed a turning and couldn't find my hostel. I called him to find out where he was after waiting for a long time. After asking him a few questions, I knew where he was certainly and gave him directions to my hostel. He was not that far from my hostel. But he insisted that it was too troublesome and asked me to go back home myself. That's what I really did. Till this day, I found this episode ridiculous because he was already in the vicinity of where I stayed and yet I had to go back home myself.

My Mother:

I asked her why didn't she stop her brother and whether she really wanted me to go to jail, she just said, "Suit yourself."

When I was a bit older, I asked my mother why she didn't want to divorce since my father had a useless man all his life and had created endless troubles for the three of us.

The only reason she gave was: she wanted to give us a complete family.

She wanted us to have a father and a mother, even when the circumstances had already shown  that we weren't happy. She wanted my sister and me to have both parents, at all costs, regardless of all the quarrels and arguments that happened almost every day for the past 30 years.

Even now, my father still hasn't grown up to be a mature man and is still not showing care and concern for us all, she still didn't want to divorce him.

I don't understand her.

I really want my father to leave the house. My sister and I want a happy and peaceful home to live in. But the final decision has to be made by my mother.

She used to tell us very often how grandmother died when she was very young and how grandfather did not care about her and her younger brother (my uncle) and even beat them up often, and how her parents-in-laws and my father ill-treated her. Those may be true. But then, if she's suffering so much, why don't she just insist on moving away to a new place? Why is it that when she is aware that she is suffering she still insists on suffering in it?

Recently, I told her that her brother, my uncle, has been sending me SMSes to threaten me and sue me. I thought she didn't know. But when I showed her the messages, she said she already knew. Then I asked her why didn't she stop her brother and whether she really wanted me to go to jail, she just said, "Suit yourself."

My Uncle:

He said if I didn't move back to live with my mother, I will be deemed unfilial and will make my mother very unhappy.

Ever since April 2014 when I first moved into my grandfather's house to seek a more peaceful life, my uncle has been sending me threatening SMSes to force me to move out of my grandfather's house, even though the house doesn't belong to him. He has also dictated to throw all my belongings out from my mother's house if I didn't move back. He has crossed the line. That's my parents' house, not his. Yet, he talked as if he owned the house.

On the day that my grandfather died, I went to the hospital ward to see my grandfather one last time. I didn't make any noise even though I don't want to see him. Yet he yelled at me and threatened me to move out of my grandfather's house immediately. I pointed my middle finger at him and he ran over and pushed me against the wall several times. It was stupid of me not to go and make a police case. He went one step ahead of me and make a police report against me about the middle finger gesture.

He even now expected me to apologies to him when he was the one who first yelled at me.

He said, "If your mother wants you to die, you better die immediately, if not you are unfilial!".

From what he said and all the information I could gather from my mother and father, he did all these in order to force me to move back with my mother. He said if I didn't move back to live with my mother, I will be deemed unfilial and will make my mother very unhappy. And if I don't move back, he will continue to threaten me. He told me to treat my mother better, or I will have to watch out for him. When my mother faced retrenchment 16 years ago, she scold me every day and beat me regularly and I didn't even make a police report against her or ran away from home. How many children nowadays will suffer like that? I asked so many of my friends what they will do. Most of them tell me they will leave the home or make a police report. But I didn't, simply because she's my mum. And he's now telling everyone how ungrateful I was to leave home.

One year ago, on the phone, he told me that my mother owns my life. Whatever she said, I must listen if not I am unfilial. He said, "If your mother wants you to die, you better die immediately, if not you are unfilial!".

All over the world, children move out temporarily or permanently to live on their own, why am I the only one faulted?

Besides, did he know why I didn't want to move back? My parents till this day are still quarrelling. Even after 30 years of marriage, my father still hasn't grown to become more mature. He is still irresponsible with words. Every thing that he can promise he will break it. He still doesn't care about us. The only thing that he understands what care and concern is about is buying some food home. It's not about asking how you feel when you fall sick. It's not about listening to you attentively.

In family problems, it is very easy for us to slip into the habit of pinpointing one person to blame for all the misery experienced by other family members. But after analysing all that had happened, everyone did have fault, some more, some less.


My Grandfather:

So I guessed it all started with my grandfather. My mother said he didn't care about her and her brother. He was always scolding them with vulgarities and beating them. He was always spending his money on alcohol and women. Life was tough. After marriage, my mother had to deal with my father's parents who again, as she told me, ill-treated her. Most of all, My father, the husband that she finally chosen, is a Mama's boy and didn't stand up for her and protect her when his parents were bashing her. But then, why my mother insisted on staying with such a man and torturing herself with it?

Many people, except my father, that originated all the troubles my mother faced for the past 30 years have already passed away. I have let go. But my mother is still holding onto her bad memories. She is still scolding me how I don't understand her despair in her past.

Who's at fault now? Am I causing her misery now or she is the cause of her own misery?

This May Be The Reason Why You Are Being Hated And You Just Don't Know Why and Love Is The Solution

The solution to my mum's hatred of me is LOVE!!!

It was a restless night last night.

I couldn't sleep until 4am. I woke up a mere 4 hours later at 8am.

It was a slow morning. I brushed my teeth slowly, washed my face slowly, changed into my work attire listlessly, all the while with all sorts of thoughts spinning at the speed of light in and around my brain.

Why and how did I end up that way?

Last night, I received an unexpected phone call from my father and we talked for a full 40 minutes. He shared so many things with my regarding the circumstances surrounding my grandfather's death this Wednesday morning on 27 April 2016.

One of the things that kept me awake last night was the photograph he had taken from one of the many photo albums that my grandfather had kept in his wardrobe. He told me that was a photo of my mum's younger self with her father, which is my grandfather. My father said I looked exactly like my mum when she was younger.

I was a split image of my mum!

This is so eerie!

Last year, I shared with a good friend of mine all the unpleasant things my mum did to me. As we chatted, he suddenly asked about how my mother looked like. I told him we were very alike. When we went out together, people often thought we are sisters. At that time, my friend told me that could be exactly the reason why my mother hated me!

Because I looked exactly like my mother, every time when we saw me, those nasty thoughts about how her father treated her filled her up completely and she couldn't help but hate me whenever she looked at me. At that time, I only took what he said with a pinch of salt. I had doubt if it could be true.

But now, there's evidence.

My friend advised me to take a look at the photo as soon as possible to verify if I was the split image of my mum.

And my friend added on that if that was the case, I need to love my mum, not hate her, because she probably went through a bad time with her father and she couldn't help but take her anger on me, and always dissatisfied and unhappy with me.

Now I sort of understand.

Yes, I will not hate my mum. She couldn't help it. I need to love her even more, and help her walk out of her shadows.

Bless me and my mum. Wouldn't you?

How To Know If You Are Living With A Control Freak?

Living with a parent or grandparent who is a control freak isn't easy. The worst thing is they are not even aware that they are control freak. If they are not aware, they won't realise they have a problem. Without realising that they have a problem, they will not take steps to change their behaviour and thinking.

After a meet-up with a friends lately, talking to him about my problem with my grandfather, he pointed out that grandfather was a control freak. Indeed.

I didn't know how my mother managed to live with him for over twenty years without going crazy but in these 1 year and 8 months that I have lived with him, I have suffered a few mental breakdown. Not only that, some people criticised me as being too emotionally immature or too quick tempered. These people should live with my grandfather for one year before they think they know everything.

So, going back to the main question. How do you know if you are living with a control freak?

1. He wants you to be back home by a certain time every day. 

My grandfather used to call me at 10pm every day, asking me the same five questions every time: where are you now? what are you doing now? who are you with? what time will you be back? are you coming back soon?

Years ago, when I was living with my parents, he used to wait at the bus stop every day where my mother would alight after work. He would walk behind my mother until they reach my parents' apartment. Then he would leave.

My mother told me he's crazy. But actually, he's not crazy. He has a very serious need for control. It wasn't that he really cared about my mother much as he needed to see that my mother was back home at a certain every day.

2. He guilt-trips you by giving you pretty reasons for the things he does.

I asked my grandfather why he called me the same time every night and he said it was for my safety. It was a good reason but I was 29 years old, and going to be 30 years old. Surely he knows that I'm able to take care of myself? But, the reason would make you feel guilty about not being back home early because you are making him worry, But don't be fooled. He wasn't worried. He just wanted to make sure you were back by a certain time. It's a kind of control!

Because I tutored almost every single night, so when I reached home, it would be almost 11pm. And he would always tell me he hadn't eaten. He was waiting for me to eat. I would always tell him to eat earlier when he's hungry. There's no need to wait for me. And he would always tell me he wasn't hungry. And if I told him I don't want to eat, he would be unhappy and say, "I waited for you for so long to eat yet you don't want to eat."

3. He doesn't allow you to do anything at home.

I like to water the potted plants outside my grandfather's apartment. But he would always stop me. He said he had already watered the plants and I didn't need to do it again. Or he would tell he he would water it later and there's no need to trouble me.

When I wanted to wash the dishes after a meal, he would also  tell me that he would do it later.

When I wanted to wash my clothes, he would also tell me that I didn't need to do it.

On the surface, he seemed like a good grandfather. But he's just a control freak. He's telling me not to do it not because he loved me but as a control freak, he couldn't stand anyone doing things their own way.

Are you living with a control freak?

Good Parenting Brings Good Karma

www.social-consciousness.com 

Good parenting brings good karma. If you sow good seeds today, you not only benefit your children. You also benefit your grandchildren and their children and so on.

My mother warned me before I moved in to live with my grandfather, her father, about one year and eight months ago.

Initially I thought my mother was wrong. I thought she was simply prejudiced due to her experience with her father.

But she was right.

About six months after I lived with with, he started to call me every night at 10pm asking where I was, who I was with, what was I doing, and what time would I reach  home. This lasted for about a year and finally came to a stop after I had a breakdown in my neighbourhood park and complained to my father that I couldn't take it anymore. It was a torture. At the worse, he called 15 times within an hour because I didn't pick up his call.

He even had a good reason for it. He was worried about my safety, he said. On the surface it seemed a good reason, but I was 29 years old, going towards 30 years old, and being treated like a child. No wonder my mother felt suffocated.

But the worse thing that he could ever do to a child was to lie and lie again, and refusing to admit he was telling lies. I told him not to bring my clothes out to dry by direct sunlight. I told you to just leave my clothes indoor. He refused. Every day, he would promise that he heard me but every day, he would bring out the clothes as if he had never understood what he promised. For one year, I kept telling him nicely not to hang the clothes out. Eventually, several of my clothes faded because of the strong sunlight and some were lost as they were dropped onto the ground floor (we lived on the 8th storey) without his knowing.

And still, he insisted that he didn't bring the clothes out to dry. He even said that he didn't touch my clothes and he didn't know how my clothes were lost. What a blatant lie! I threw a very bad temper that day, and thereafter, he stopped doing it completely.

Recently I was trying to see if I can successfully grow garlic from a bunch of garlic cloves that I had. I put these garlic cloves in a small bowl and added quite a substantial amount of water to the bowl, but for two days, the bowl was surprising totally dried up after I came home at the end of each day. I knew my grandpa had drained the water. I confronted him about it and he said he didn't know. So for the third day, I continued my routine and added the same amount of water before I left home for work but this time, the water that remained in the bowl at the end of day was substantial. It meant that my grandpa had actually been draining the water. It wasn't that I didn't place enough water in the bowl.

After so many such episodes for the past one year and eight months, I couldn't bring myself to trust him again.

Only then I realised why my mother didn't trust anyone, including me. I wondered how she live twenty over years of her life with my grandpa. This lack of trust has seriously undermined my relationship with my mother. I often wondered and was angry with her for not believing in me.

I told my grandpa that was exactly the reason why his daughter and son didn't want him anymore. He simply shut me up, and told me if I was so unhappy with him, he would call the police and ask me to talk to the police. Instead of reflecting on himself, he simply insisted that the problem was me, not him.

Calling the police was his habit. In the one year and eight months I lived with him, I had seen more policeman coming to his house than for the past 29 year I lived with my parents. In face, I have never seen any policeman before at my house. He called those policemen because I threw my anger at him over his behaviour.

If the only thing that he could do was to call the police when his children or grandchildren made him very unhappy, what good could he do?

And I also had reason to believe his bad karma affected the career of his children.

No wonder his children, my mother and my uncle, forsook him. And now, I am ready to do the same as well.

He had to reason to blame anyone for not caring about him. This is karma.

The Rules of Parenting - Don't Guilt-Trip Them

Is this an Asian culture?

My Vietnamese friend told me because Asian parents are unlike western parents. Asian parents invest a lot time, money and effort to groom a child but western parents don't really care whether their children study or not. (I think this is not always true.) Western parents take a lassez faire approach towards the education of their children but Asian parents are very invested. Western parents don't save up for their children's university education but Asian parents do. (Again, I think this is not always true.) That's why Asian children often feel indebted to their parents. There's always the thought of paying back. 

I have no problem with the idea of filial piety. But if it becomes an obligation to meet certain standards set by the parents, it becomes such a burden. Some parents also unknowingly want to make their children feel guilty. Then the relationship becomes something not made of love, but a transaction-based relationship where everything is measured based on cost and benefit. If they don't get their expected return, they use guilt to trap you.

Both my parents set a standard for me to adhere to show that I'm filial to them. For my father, it was a monthy allowance of $500, while for my mother, it was $1500 per month. Since I couldn't afford that kind of allowance, I gave a sum which I felt comfortable but much lower. They weren't very happy naturally and I was labelled as unfilial and they told many relatives about that. Strangely, even though my sister did not give them that kind of allowance, she wasn't labelled as unfilial. I wondered if 'filial piety' was just a smokescreen for favouritism. They said the allowance I gave was not enough and I was so stingy. They thought I was earning 5-figure income per month. I told them I didn't earn that kind of income but they didn't believe. To them, I seemed to be trying to lie my way out so that I could escape from the obligations they set for me. Our relationship has evolved into a business relationship. There's no love to talk about other than monetary benefit.

In short, I have only a lot of guilt.

I didn't earn enough to give them the kind of income they expected.
I didn't feel I'm good child.
I didn't do as good in life as they expected me to.
I didn't play my role properly as the elder child to take care of them.

But I was doing okay for my career.
I was giving them an allowance.
I was helping with household chores.
But no. No compromise is allowed.

A lot of tensions arose.

That's when I snapped, and sort of ran away from them to stay with my grandfather. Finally I could have some peace and quiet to think of my own life instead of just revolving my life around my parents' needs. 

Have you experienced this kind of treatment from your parents? Or if you are a parent yourself, are you finding yourself doing this?

It is not a good idea to continue the relationship this way. You need to sit down and think of a better way. You need to be open-minded to allow a compromise to happen. At least both parties can win a little.

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More Links:

Grown Up Rule 97: Don't Guilt-Trip Them

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar