How To Know If You Are Living With A Control Freak?

Living with a parent or grandparent who is a control freak isn't easy. The worst thing is they are not even aware that they are control freak. If they are not aware, they won't realise they have a problem. Without realising that they have a problem, they will not take steps to change their behaviour and thinking.

After a meet-up with a friends lately, talking to him about my problem with my grandfather, he pointed out that grandfather was a control freak. Indeed.

I didn't know how my mother managed to live with him for over twenty years without going crazy but in these 1 year and 8 months that I have lived with him, I have suffered a few mental breakdown. Not only that, some people criticised me as being too emotionally immature or too quick tempered. These people should live with my grandfather for one year before they think they know everything.

So, going back to the main question. How do you know if you are living with a control freak?

1. He wants you to be back home by a certain time every day. 

My grandfather used to call me at 10pm every day, asking me the same five questions every time: where are you now? what are you doing now? who are you with? what time will you be back? are you coming back soon?

Years ago, when I was living with my parents, he used to wait at the bus stop every day where my mother would alight after work. He would walk behind my mother until they reach my parents' apartment. Then he would leave.

My mother told me he's crazy. But actually, he's not crazy. He has a very serious need for control. It wasn't that he really cared about my mother much as he needed to see that my mother was back home at a certain every day.

2. He guilt-trips you by giving you pretty reasons for the things he does.

I asked my grandfather why he called me the same time every night and he said it was for my safety. It was a good reason but I was 29 years old, and going to be 30 years old. Surely he knows that I'm able to take care of myself? But, the reason would make you feel guilty about not being back home early because you are making him worry, But don't be fooled. He wasn't worried. He just wanted to make sure you were back by a certain time. It's a kind of control!

Because I tutored almost every single night, so when I reached home, it would be almost 11pm. And he would always tell me he hadn't eaten. He was waiting for me to eat. I would always tell him to eat earlier when he's hungry. There's no need to wait for me. And he would always tell me he wasn't hungry. And if I told him I don't want to eat, he would be unhappy and say, "I waited for you for so long to eat yet you don't want to eat."

3. He doesn't allow you to do anything at home.

I like to water the potted plants outside my grandfather's apartment. But he would always stop me. He said he had already watered the plants and I didn't need to do it again. Or he would tell he he would water it later and there's no need to trouble me.

When I wanted to wash the dishes after a meal, he would also  tell me that he would do it later.

When I wanted to wash my clothes, he would also tell me that I didn't need to do it.

On the surface, he seemed like a good grandfather. But he's just a control freak. He's telling me not to do it not because he loved me but as a control freak, he couldn't stand anyone doing things their own way.

Are you living with a control freak?

Good Parenting Brings Good Karma

www.social-consciousness.com 

Good parenting brings good karma. If you sow good seeds today, you not only benefit your children. You also benefit your grandchildren and their children and so on.

My mother warned me before I moved in to live with my grandfather, her father, about one year and eight months ago.

Initially I thought my mother was wrong. I thought she was simply prejudiced due to her experience with her father.

But she was right.

About six months after I lived with with, he started to call me every night at 10pm asking where I was, who I was with, what was I doing, and what time would I reach  home. This lasted for about a year and finally came to a stop after I had a breakdown in my neighbourhood park and complained to my father that I couldn't take it anymore. It was a torture. At the worse, he called 15 times within an hour because I didn't pick up his call.

He even had a good reason for it. He was worried about my safety, he said. On the surface it seemed a good reason, but I was 29 years old, going towards 30 years old, and being treated like a child. No wonder my mother felt suffocated.

But the worse thing that he could ever do to a child was to lie and lie again, and refusing to admit he was telling lies. I told him not to bring my clothes out to dry by direct sunlight. I told you to just leave my clothes indoor. He refused. Every day, he would promise that he heard me but every day, he would bring out the clothes as if he had never understood what he promised. For one year, I kept telling him nicely not to hang the clothes out. Eventually, several of my clothes faded because of the strong sunlight and some were lost as they were dropped onto the ground floor (we lived on the 8th storey) without his knowing.

And still, he insisted that he didn't bring the clothes out to dry. He even said that he didn't touch my clothes and he didn't know how my clothes were lost. What a blatant lie! I threw a very bad temper that day, and thereafter, he stopped doing it completely.

Recently I was trying to see if I can successfully grow garlic from a bunch of garlic cloves that I had. I put these garlic cloves in a small bowl and added quite a substantial amount of water to the bowl, but for two days, the bowl was surprising totally dried up after I came home at the end of each day. I knew my grandpa had drained the water. I confronted him about it and he said he didn't know. So for the third day, I continued my routine and added the same amount of water before I left home for work but this time, the water that remained in the bowl at the end of day was substantial. It meant that my grandpa had actually been draining the water. It wasn't that I didn't place enough water in the bowl.

After so many such episodes for the past one year and eight months, I couldn't bring myself to trust him again.

Only then I realised why my mother didn't trust anyone, including me. I wondered how she live twenty over years of her life with my grandpa. This lack of trust has seriously undermined my relationship with my mother. I often wondered and was angry with her for not believing in me.

I told my grandpa that was exactly the reason why his daughter and son didn't want him anymore. He simply shut me up, and told me if I was so unhappy with him, he would call the police and ask me to talk to the police. Instead of reflecting on himself, he simply insisted that the problem was me, not him.

Calling the police was his habit. In the one year and eight months I lived with him, I had seen more policeman coming to his house than for the past 29 year I lived with my parents. In face, I have never seen any policeman before at my house. He called those policemen because I threw my anger at him over his behaviour.

If the only thing that he could do was to call the police when his children or grandchildren made him very unhappy, what good could he do?

And I also had reason to believe his bad karma affected the career of his children.

No wonder his children, my mother and my uncle, forsook him. And now, I am ready to do the same as well.

He had to reason to blame anyone for not caring about him. This is karma.

The Rules of Parenting - Don't Guilt-Trip Them

Is this an Asian culture?

My Vietnamese friend told me because Asian parents are unlike western parents. Asian parents invest a lot time, money and effort to groom a child but western parents don't really care whether their children study or not. (I think this is not always true.) Western parents take a lassez faire approach towards the education of their children but Asian parents are very invested. Western parents don't save up for their children's university education but Asian parents do. (Again, I think this is not always true.) That's why Asian children often feel indebted to their parents. There's always the thought of paying back. 

I have no problem with the idea of filial piety. But if it becomes an obligation to meet certain standards set by the parents, it becomes such a burden. Some parents also unknowingly want to make their children feel guilty. Then the relationship becomes something not made of love, but a transaction-based relationship where everything is measured based on cost and benefit. If they don't get their expected return, they use guilt to trap you.

Both my parents set a standard for me to adhere to show that I'm filial to them. For my father, it was a monthy allowance of $500, while for my mother, it was $1500 per month. Since I couldn't afford that kind of allowance, I gave a sum which I felt comfortable but much lower. They weren't very happy naturally and I was labelled as unfilial and they told many relatives about that. Strangely, even though my sister did not give them that kind of allowance, she wasn't labelled as unfilial. I wondered if 'filial piety' was just a smokescreen for favouritism. They said the allowance I gave was not enough and I was so stingy. They thought I was earning 5-figure income per month. I told them I didn't earn that kind of income but they didn't believe. To them, I seemed to be trying to lie my way out so that I could escape from the obligations they set for me. Our relationship has evolved into a business relationship. There's no love to talk about other than monetary benefit.

In short, I have only a lot of guilt.

I didn't earn enough to give them the kind of income they expected.
I didn't feel I'm good child.
I didn't do as good in life as they expected me to.
I didn't play my role properly as the elder child to take care of them.

But I was doing okay for my career.
I was giving them an allowance.
I was helping with household chores.
But no. No compromise is allowed.

A lot of tensions arose.

That's when I snapped, and sort of ran away from them to stay with my grandfather. Finally I could have some peace and quiet to think of my own life instead of just revolving my life around my parents' needs. 

Have you experienced this kind of treatment from your parents? Or if you are a parent yourself, are you finding yourself doing this?

It is not a good idea to continue the relationship this way. You need to sit down and think of a better way. You need to be open-minded to allow a compromise to happen. At least both parties can win a little.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Or download my book from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

Grown Up Rule 97: Don't Guilt-Trip Them

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

The Rules of Parenting - Leave The Strings Off

Do you use money to control your children or thinking of using money to control them?
Do you use other means to control them too?

I moved out of my parents' house last year after a communication breakdown with them, and stayed with my grandfather. Occasionally, my grandfather gives me some allowance even though I am already 30 years old. I told him that I was working and had my own money and he would keep it for himself. But he would become angry if I refused. If I didn't accept the money today, he would pester me the next day and the day after  next and so on until he finally passed the money to me. I believed he did it because all he wanted was for me to be happy. But whenever disagreements arise, he would use this as a way for me to back down. He would say something like, "I give you money. You don't have the right to say anything."

The same kind of thinking goes for my parents. Because they have spent the time, money and effort to bring me up, they think they "own" me. I wasn't allowed to have my own life, to have my own thinking. If I need to set myself free, they told me I needed to repay them one million dollars, inclusive of interest. There was once I retaliated and I said they could kill me because my insurance policy can pay them half a million dollars if that's what they wanted. After hearing their philosophy, my understanding of my parents is that I am nothing to them but a money making machine. Frankly speaking, I still love them as my parents yet I don't find that I have the same level of respect for them as I was younger. I may not be able to raise one million but I have a lot of focus now to earn money, to redeem myself.

Do you do this kind of thing? Please stop.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view instead of mobile version view to see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Or download my book from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

Grown Up Rule 96: Leave The Strings Off

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

The Rules of Parenting - Treat Them As Adults

As I have shared in a previous post, The Rules of Parenting - Everything Comes With String, many parents want their teenage children to grow up and start to behave more responsibly and think more maturely in an adult-like manner but at the end of the day, it is the parents who end up doing the thinking for the children, and some even end up doing homework for them and marking their mock test papers. These same parents also "threaten" to confiscate their children's mobile phones, laptops, and console games and other gadgets if they don't study but will often give in. Such behaviour sends the contradicting signals to the children, and so , when will they start to learn?

My mother's approach towards my upbringing has been very off-handed. She always told me, since I was very little, that my sister and I need to be as independent as possible and as early as possible because she would be working and nobody would be taking care of us, except ourselves. I have been carrying housekeys since 6 years old. I went to a music school by myself since maybe 7 years old to have piano lesson. I went to abacus class by myself when I was 11 or 12 years old. I learned to use the knife and cook (not instant noodles but proper meat and vegetable dishes) since 15 years old. She didn't supervise me on my homework a lot since I was primary one. She always said the future was our individual responsibility. If we wanted to have a better, we should take the initiative to study harder and longer, But if we did not want to have, you could have it your way as well. I chose all the subjects and schools that I went to all by myself as my mother believed in letting us decide what we wanted for ourselves.

Take buying food or eating food as an example. 

I always had to help out in buying food for the family for lunch or dinner, and also the groceries. My mother would also let my sister and me serve rice ourselves from the rice cooker. But in the course of tutoring, these teenage children that I tutored often had food bought back by their parents or maids. They also have maids to serve food for them. They also don't need to wash the dishes after eating. 

Yes, we are treating these children like adults, or more specifically, "pampered adults". 

What's my solution for you?

JUST DO IT!

Just push them, bit by bit.

Remember:

A stone will become a jade only after polishing.

Check out also my post on how Japanese raise independent kids.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view by clicking the link at the bottom so that you can see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Or download my book from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

Grown Up Rule 93: Treat them as adults

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

The Rules of Parenting - It's Better To Agree Than To Be Right

Parents, do you find yourself always wanting to prove to your children that you are right? Even to the extent of insisting you are right when the evidence is pointing to the opposite?

This is your ego.

Where does your ego come from?

There can be many reasons. One of the biggest reasons was what you had experienced when you were young.

After living with my grandfather for more than a year, I can finally understand why my mother acts the way she does. My grandfather is a very stubborn person, always insisting he's right. My dgrandfather is nearly blind. When I told him that the bread he bought had tuned mouldy, he became overwhelmed and told me that "it is not possible for bread to turn mouldy." When I told me I didn't want to hang my clothes out in the balcony to be dried and instead wanted to clothes to be hung indoors, he told me, "I'm stupid and my clothes will NEVER dry." When I told him that the floor was dirty, he told me he had already mopped a while ago and the floor was not dirty. Initially, I used to insist what I said, but nowadays, I just told him, "Up to you. If you don't want to believe my words, it's okay."

I can imagine my mother living with this kind of father, he's always right and the child's always wrong. Their relationship is extremely bad. My relationship with my mother is equally bad as my had knowingly or unknowingly taken on her father's persona. 

So ask yourself, if it's just a small matter, would it be worth scarring the relationship between you and your child by insisting you are right?

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view by clicking the link at the bottom so that you can see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Or download my book from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

Crisis Rule 87: It's better to agree than to be right

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

The Rules of Parenting - Tell Them What's Going On?

Six years ago, in 2009, when my younger sister announced her decision to marry to a man I met for the first time, I questioned my mother,

"Why have you agreed to let them get married when the guy has only worked in Singapore for only a few years and have very little CPF to buy a house, is a S-Pass holder who can be asked to go back to his country every two years?"

My mum was very angry about why I didn't want my sister to get married?

She replied, "They have known each other for a very long time. And your sister is very keen and eager to marry him."

"How long have they known each other?"

"1 year."

"You called that 'long'?"

I didn't know that I wasn't being told the whole truth until last year, in 2014. My mum told me that before I saw that guy who was to become my sister's husband, she had already talked with him for hours and she was convinced of his sincerity in marrying my sister. She also assured him that it's okay if he didn't have the money to buy the air tickets and accommodation for his parents to fly here for the wedding dinner as she would pay for all those expenses. It's also okay if he didn't have the money to buy a house yet as she would let him and my sister stay in her master bedroom while she moved to a common bedroom. They could stay as long as they need to save the necessary amount of money for them to buy a flat. They would not need to pay any rental or allowance to my mother.

Only then I understood how that guy was able to marry my sister, despite having no financial means. I have been kept in the dark for years, including my father, who was also not aware of her doings.

In August 2013, I loaned out a rather big sum of money to that guy, my sister's husband. I did it because he had been so insistent and seemed so sincere. He was thanking me a lot and said that he would "forever" remember my kindness and be forever indebted to me. He also asked my sister to come and beg me for money for days. I also did it because I wanted to support my sister, to let her know I did not have ill intention of opposing her marriage and that as her sister, I would support her when she needed help. So I gave. 

In February 2014, during Chinese New Year, I shared this my father and he was shocked. He then revealed to me that that guy had also borrowed money from him a few years back. The loan was about four thousands dollars. My father did not charge any interest yet it took him about four months to pay back. My father said he took his money back from my mother and he suspected that it could be money from my mother, not from that guy. It seemed very likely to be so because my mother told my father not to mention that matter anymore to anyone, including me. When I confronted my mother about this matter, she again told me to shut up, saying it's none of my business and I didn't need to know anything. I was feeling unhappy about it because I didn't feel I'm a part of the family. It seemed that there are two factions. One consisting of my father and me and the other made up of my mother, sister and her husband.

Those are just a few instances of how my mother wasn't open to discuss matters that affect everyone in the family. Don't be mistaken. I love my mother. I admire her for her determination in raising me and my sister up. But I am very frustrated about being treated as second-class member in the family. Her decision to keep quiet about important matters alienated me and bred in me a distrust of her. 

No matter how hard it is to say, always tell your children the truth. Now, not later.

(If you are using a mobile phone, please switch to web version view by clicking the link at the bottom so that you can see the opt-in box to subscribe to my updates which will deliver to your mailbox straight download box for the first chapter or my book. Or download my book from Amazon to read how I lived through my mother's iron hand. Or please provide me with your name and email address in the opt-in box at the side or bottom of this page to read the first chapter for free.)

More Links:

Crisis Rule 85: Tell them what's going on?

The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar

Download the book at Amazon.

Read my review on the book, The Rules of Parenting, by Richard Templar